Shared Life Experience
by Perfection Inc
Summary: Story takes place after CA:TWS- This is a Steve and Natasha story. Follows them as they draw closer after Peggy's death, getting to spend some unexpected time alone. References to Agent Carter episodes. A little Tony/Pepper, Clint/Natasha friendship and a whole lot Romangoers.
1. Chapter 1

_I have been working on this story for several months. I wanted to finish it before AOU came out and I came in right under the wire. No matter what happens in the MCU, I will always believe in Romanogers. Somewhere out there in the Marvel universe the soldier and the spy fall in love and they have a baby!_

_This story takes place after TWS and in this story Natasha knows who Peggy is. I didn't find it believable that Natasha (Knower of all things S.H.I.E.L.D) would not know who she was in TWS._

_Also, in this story Natasha and Pepper have a good relationship._

_I did not use a Beta so please forgive any spelling errors or grammar mistakes._

_Fanfiction is a way for us to control the strings. If some of this story seems unbelievable or out of character, remember is it just for fun. In some cases this ship has consumed many aspects of life and controls just about everything. MARVEL has ruined my life! :)_

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters and no infringement was intended._

_I hope you all enjoy it!_

* * *

_Chapter 1_

Steve loosened his tie as he took a heavy seat on the end of his hotel room bed. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair and gently picked up the piece of paper that was lying next to him.

"In Loving Memory," Steve read the words across the top. He held the paper and stared at it for a long time. As far as funerals go, it was a lovely one. There were so many people there who had wonderful things to say. Of course they were all wonderful things; Peggy had been a wonderful person.

Steve knew he was never going to have a normal life. He had accepted that when Dr. Erskine had selected him for Project: Rebirth. He had sacrificed his own life to save everyone. It had all changed in almost the blink of an eye for him. He woke up and everything was different and he wasn't prepared for that. He still sometimes felt like he wasn't supposed to be in the modern world. Today was hard, and he felt as if he had been robbed of being a part of her life.

It had taken him several months to even think about calling or visiting Peggy when he found out she was still alive. He was scared of what he might find. He didn't want to spoil his memory of her, the Peggy he knew. He finally got the courage to go and visit her. Every time he went to see her it filled him with love and heartache at the same time. He was still in love with her. Steve had imagined that he and Peggy would live a happy life together and have children, but Peggy did all those things with someone else. Steve was happy for her that she had lived a full life, but it was a life she was supposed to have lived with him.

He had been looking for Bucky when he had gotten the call. He had dropped everything to make it back for the funeral. Now that it was all over, he felt like a hollow shell. He didn't want to face the feelings of loss because he knew it was a rather large dam that would come crashing down. He wasn't prepared to confront those feelings yet.

A knock on the door startled him. He rose and made his way to the door and looked through the tiny hole to see who was on the other side. His body relaxed when he saw her vibrant red hair. He pulled the door open and their eyes met.

"Hey, Steve," She said softly as she took in his expression.

"Natasha," He pulled her close to him and hugged her tightly. The door closed behind them as Natasha dropped her bag. The hug had caught her off guard but she wrapped her arms around Steve.

"I came as soon as I heard." She whispered. "I am so sorry."

He held her tightly, she smelled like a combination of shampoo and leather. Her tiny frame felt warm against him and he wanted to just stay there. Natasha let him hug her for as long as he needed. After a few moments Steve slowly released her but he held his gaze.

"Steve," Natasha placed a hand on the side of his face. "Talk to me." She was worried for him. She knew he had lost someone very close to him and she knew he would be upset but she didn't know how he was dealing with the lose. He just continued to look into her eyes.

"Can we not talk about it right now?" He asked quietly.

"If that's what you want." She replied and Steve took her hand from his face and held it tightly. He hadn't realized how much he had missed her and the warmth of her touch. It was just a simple thing, but it was already helping him. He had not voiced his feelings for Natasha to anyone. He wasn't sure she felt the same for him and he didn't want to risk the friendship that had blossomed in the wake of the Winter Soldier. She had tried over and over to set him up, help him have a relationship with someone, but he always felt guilty for any feelings he had for any woman that wasn't Peggy. It was always easier to just play like he wasn't interested in having a relationship than to explain his real feelings about it. He felt guilty for having feelings for Natasha. Now that Peggy was gone he didn't know how to move forward.

Natasha was watching him and Steve could feel his cheeks flushing red as he realized he was still holding her hand. He dropped it shyly and moved back. He pulled his suit jacket off and hung it up in the closet. Natasha quietly took a seat on the edge of the bed as it was the only place to sit in the small hotel room. Steve removed his tie and unbuttoned the top of his dress shirt.

Steve leaned against the small dresser, leaving an obvious distance between himself and Natasha. She was waiting for him to speak first. "What have you been up to?" Steve asked crossing his arms over his chest.

"I'd rather not talk about that." She raised an eyebrow and smirked at him. "You have any leads on Bucky?"

Steve frowned, "I had one flimsy trail that was practically a wild goose chase. Sam offered to keep looking while I came back for the…" His voice caught in his throat, "...the funeral." Steve cleared his throat and continued. "We decided to just come back together. I need some stronger leads before I leave again. I need some time to clear my head."

Natasha nodded, "That makes sense." She studied him, he looked tired. He looked lost, and almost disheveled. That was probably what bothered her the most. She hated to see him like this. Maybe if she could take his mind off things he could relax long enough to collect himself. She slowly rose off the edge of the bed and walked towards him. She gently pulled his arms free so they hung at his sides. She slowly began unbuttoning the buttons of his shirt, his muscles tense beneath.

"Natasha," Steve felt his face flush. "What are you doing?"

"I know you have a lot on your mind," She stood on her tip toes and held her face close to his, "Maybe I can help clear it for a bit." She tried to kiss him, but Steve stopped her. He pulled her hands away from him and shook her off and crossed the room. "Steve," Natasha immediately apologized. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I'm sorry."

Steve just stood in silence. Natasha studied him. She felt anger and shame rising in her as she could see a look of pity across his face. "What?" She snapped.

"You don't have to do..._ that_." Steve looked at her.

"Do what?" She asked.

"Look," Steve held up his hands. "Can we just forget it happened and move on?"

Natasha felt her jaw set in a hard line. "You want to give me a lecture on how I use my sexuality? Is that it? You don't approve?"

Steve shook his head, "Natasha. No, I just…"

"No!" She cut him off. "I'm sorry. I don't want to have that conversation Rogers." She made her way to the door.

Steve caught her by the arm and spun her around. "Natasha. Please listen to me."

She tried to pull her arm free, but knew he was too strong. "If you don't let go of my arm I will have to hurt you." She glared at him with hard eyes.

"Please, listen to me." His eyes were bright blue and piercing. "Please?" He added softly.

"Just spit it out Rogers!" She snapped back at him.

He took a deep breath and began to speak. "I don't want you to feel like you have to do.." He hesitated, "...to do those things... I don't want you to do those things to make me forget the heartache. I respect you." He paused, "I would want _that_ to happen between us because we have feelings for each other and want to express them." Steve could see Natasha's expression softening. She did not resist when he gently placed a hand on her face and pulled her closer to him. Her eyes watched him as he hesitantly leaned down and gently kissed her lips.

Natasha was an expert in kissing. She had been kissed by more men than she cared to count, but none of them felt the way this kiss felt. It was soft, not invasive or demanding. This was not the same kind of kiss they had shared on the escalators. Steve was tender and confident. She closed her eyes and allowed herself this one perfect kiss. She moved closer to Steve and placed her hands on his firm back.

Natasha could not deny that she had feelings for Steve. They had experienced some intense situations when S.H.I.E.L.D fell and they had become closer. She had not ever allowed herself to entertain the idea of being romantically involved with Steve because she thought he deserved better. She honestly cared for Steve and had wanted to help him, but she had made a mistake in offering sex. She should have known that Steve would not have gone for that. She almost hated herself for immediately going to that and felt guilty as a friend that she didn't know him well enough to know what would help him. Her head was spinning from the thought that Steve wanted her to be more than 'just a friend' as he had so plainly put it during the drive up to New Jersey several weeks before.

Steve broke off the kiss and backed away from her. He ran both his hands through his hair and closed his eyes. "I can't believe I just did that…" He crossed his arms over his chest again. "I'm sorry, my head it so fuzzy right now." He backed farther away and hit the wall.

Natasha stood there in silence for a moment, and then made her way towards Steve. "Steve," She placed a hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

His head snapped up and his eyes looked into hers. "I, uh…" She could tell he was conflicted but he ended up just saying. "I'm gonna take a walk." He pulled himself away and made his way across the room.

"Steve," Natasha tried to grab his arm as he went past her, but he dodged her.

"I just need to clear my head," He called over his shoulder, and the door shut behind him.

She was alone. They had barely been with one another for 5 minutes and Steve had and left. She took in the silence and decided to crawl onto the bed. She was so tired. She didn't want to deal with anything right then. Steve obviously needed some time to himself and she would let him have it. She stretched out and closed her eyes. It had been two days since she had slept and she had only intended to close her eyes for a few minutes, but she slipped into sleep easily.

* * *

She woke gently, not knowing how much time had passed. She oriented herself and remembered where she was. She scanned the room and pulled herself from the bed and made her way to the bathroom. She placed her ear to the door and knocked gently. "Steve, you in there?"

There was no answer, she slowly opened the door. The room was empty. Natasha pulled her phone from jacket pocket and sent Steve a text.

"WHERE ARE YOU?"

She waited and watched the screen until a message appeared.

"WENT TO GRAB SOME FOOD. I WILL BE BACK SOON."

She pulled her jacket and boots off and grabbed her bag from by the door. She made her way back to the bathroom. She wanted to take a shower and wash off the grime of traveling. She smiled when she studied the counters in the bathroom. Steve was ever the soldier, everything was neat and orderly. She turned the shower on and stripped off her clothes and dropped them to the floor. She stepped under the stream of hot water. The water pressure was weak but the heat felt good on her muscles.

Natasha finished her shower and turned the stream of water off. There was a gentle knock on the door as she wrapped a towel around her.

She cracked the door open and saw Steve's face flush, "...uh…," he stammered as he saw her standing there in a towel.

"Yes?" She smirked.

"I got some food," his eyes averted away to the floor, "if you're hungry."

"I'll be right out." She smiled to herself as she closed the door behind her. She dried herself off and pulled on some yoga pants and tee shirt. She towel dried her hair and allowed the damp curls to hang loosely around her face. She hung up the towel to dry and made her way out of the bathroom. Steve was seated on the side of the bed with the open take out containers in the middle of the bed.

He looked up at her and a smile flashed across his face, "You hungry?"

"Yes," She sat on the other side of the bed and crossed her legs, "I am starved. Thank you." Steve handed her a white take out box and she opened it to find a burger and fries. "Oh this smells so good."

"I figured this was safe. Who doesn't like burgers and fries?" He smiled, seeming to be in better spirits.

"Are you feeling any better?" Natasha asked as she took a bite of fry and studied his face. "You kind of ran off on me."

He nodded gently as he finished chewing his bite of food. "Yeah, I'm sorry." He wiped his mouth, "Like I said, I just needed to clear my head."

"Is it cleared?" Natasha asked.

"Enough," Steve replied. "I'm sorry for before. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."

Natasha smiled gently back at him, "It seems you've had a little practice since our last kiss." She smirked back at him.

He blushed and his eyes became very focused on his food. They sat and ate in silence for a while. Steve finished his third burger and began clearing away his empty food containers. "You can really pack it away, huh?" Natasha teased as she closed her own empty box.

"Oh," Steve seemed embarrassed, "It's the serum. I have to eat a lot to..."

"I'm only teasing," Natasha interrupted him. "I've read your file. I know all about your high metabolism." Her words were meant to reassure him but they seemed to embarrass him more. "What?" She asked.

"It seems you know a lot more about me than I know about you." Steve replied as he dumped the trash in the can by the dresser. He made his way back to her, "You finished?"

She nodded and handed the empty container to him. "Thanks." He moved back to the trash can and threw it away. He leaned against the dresser, not sure if he should return to sit on the bed.

Natasha sighed and said, "You know I won't bite you if you come near me."

Steve seemed to be thinking things through in his head before he made his way back to the bed and took a seat and leaned against the headboard. They sat in silence before Natasha began, "Steve, I have somethings to say and I want you to hear me out before you respond ok?"

Steve gulped, "Ok."

Natasha watched her hands as she collected her thoughts, "I want you to understand why I am the way that I am. I was trained to use seduction so I could kill people.."

"I didn't mean for you to think I was judging you before, that was more about me than you.." Steve interrupted her.

"I asked you to let me finish." Natasha's eyes flashed a stern look.

Steve shrunk back, "Sorry. Go ahead." He waited for her to continue.

"I don't have a healthy understanding of love and intimacy." She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, "I was trained at a young age to use it as a weapon. I know that there is a difference between sex, love, and intimacy, not because I have ever experienced it myself but I can see it in other people's relationships." She paused, "I was married once. Did you know that?"

Steve was surprised, "No, I didn't."

"It wasn't love by any means," She explained, "Not that I really believe in love anyway, but it was arranged. I was never under the impression that he loved me and I knew I didn't love him, but it was the closest thing to a normal relationship I had ever had."

Natasha was quiet for a long time so Steve prompted her, "What happened?"

"He was killed." She answered quietly. "Anyway," She moved on quickly, "I didn't know what caring for another person really was until Barton found me and brought me into S.H.I.E.L.D."

"Oh," Steve raised his eyebrows, "So, you two?"

"No," She replied flatly. "I tried to sleep with him several times because that is what I thought I was supposed to do when someone showed the slightest interest in me, but he wasn't interested in me in that way." She cut her eyes towards Steve, "I care about Barton a great deal and he is very important to me, but we have never slept with each other."

The muscles in Steve's back seemed to relax a bit and Natasha smiled to herself. "It has taken me years to come as far as I have, but I still make mistakes. I don't have friends, at least I didn't...Now I have a few I like to think of as friends, and I was offering sex with you as a way to help you clear your head. I know now that it was a mistake and I'm sorry. I still have a long way to go." Steve raised his hand, but Natasha gave him a look to tell him not to interrupt her again and he remained silent. "As much as it would make me happy to be with you, not just sex, but to have a healthy relationship with you, I am certain that I couldn't keep my end of the relationship. Even though I care about you a great deal, you deserve better than me."

Steve quietly took Natasha's hand in his and shifted to sit up closer to her. "Natasha," he began. "You can't say that about yourself."

"You don't really know me." She snapped at him, "The things that have been done to me...The things I was forced to do...The things I've done." She felt a surge of emotions rise up in her chest. "You wouldn't say that if you knew...Steve," her voice now void of emotion, "I would prefer you not know that part of me. You will never be able to have the type of relationship you want or deserve with me. I am damaged goods and I know that, but I don't want you to think me uncaring. I am giving you my honest opinion, which I would hope you would understand."

Steve let his shoulders fall as he knew there was no more discussing it. Steve knew to stop pushing. "Ok," He sighed, "If that's what you want. I would still like to be friends?"

"That I can do," Natasha replied. She moved to pull the sheets down and slip under the covers. "Now, if you don't mind I am exhausted and it's late." Steve went stiff and just stared at her. "Oh, please!" She said over her shoulder. "I am not going down to the lobby to get another room. We can share a bed. No big deal." She snuggled into the pillow and closed her eyes. "Turn the light out will ya?" The lights went out and she heard Steve mumble something under his breath but she was too tired to care what it was a fell asleep quickly.

Steve sat on the bed until he heard Natasha's breathing even out and knew she was asleep. He lifted himself off the bed and went to the bathroom and got ready for bed. He made his way back to the bed and stood for a moment debating on whether he should sleep on the floor or share the bed with Natasha. He decided the floor was where he would be comfortable and pulled a pillow from the bed and a spare blanket from the closet and made himself a place to sleep. He stared at the ceiling for a while before he felt his eyes droop.

_He opened his eyes and found himself in the graveyard. He had been standing there for what seemed liked forever, his hands and face were cold from the biting wind but he couldn't leave Peggy there all alone. He crouched down and placed the flowers that were in his hands on her headstone. When he caught sight of his hands he dropped the flowers. His hands did not look like his own. They were withered and soft. He caught sight of his face in the reflection of the headstone and fell back on the ground. He was old, his face was sagging and pale, his hair was grey and thin. _

"_Steve," Peggy's voice called to him and he looked frantically around the graveyard. _

"_Peggy!" Steve shouted, "Where are you?"_

_He looked around in earnest but could not find her. "I am waiting for you Steve." _

"_Peggy!" Steve shouted again. "I can't find you!" Steve spun around when he felt a firm hand on his shoulder and came face to face with the Winter Soldier._

"_Bucky," Steve tried to speak to him but he felt cold metal fingers grasp tightly around his throat. Steve pulled up his weak hands to try and pry off Bucky's grip, but it was no use. He couldn't breath and he couldn't stop him. Bucky's face swam in and out of Steve's field of view. _

"_You deserve this." Bucky's voice was hollow. _

_Steve watched helplessly as the world around him transformed into that speeding train in the snowy mountains. Steve could feel the cold wind tugging him out as Bucky pushed him hard against the chest. _

_Steve felt a cry escape his throat as he plummeted from the train above. _

Steve gasped for breath as he jerked awake. The room was dark around him and he was still on the floor with his legs caught in the blanket. His heart was pounding and he could feel sweat dripping off his face. He felt a soft hand on his chest and shoulder.

"Steve," Natasha's soft voice pulled him out of the fog. He turned towards her voice. "It's ok. You're safe." She was crouched next to him on the floor; Steve couldn't focus on her face. Everything felt fuzzy. Steve felt his stomach turn over and his mouth began to water. He pulled himself up quickly and ran towards the bathroom. He barely made it to the toilet before his stomach began to empty itself. Any food he had enjoyed earlier was forcing its way up his throat. Once his stomach was empty he slid down on the cold floor and tried to catch his breath.

Natasha appeared at his side with a small glass of water. "Can you sit up?" She asked softly. Steve nodded and she helped prop him against the wall, his bare legs extended and his arms loose at his sides. "Here," she placed the glass in his hand, "drink this." Steve obeyed and the cool water soothed his burning throat. He jumped a little as she placed a cool rag on his forehead. She ran the cloth down the sides of his face and placed it on the back of his neck.

They sat in silence for a few minutes until Natasha quietly asked. "You ok?"

Steve closed his eyes and replied, "No, I'm not."

"You want to talk about it?" She pulled the cloth off his neck and made her way to the sink and soaked it in cold water. She wrung out the excess water and sat back on the floor next to him. Steve caught her arm as she reached up to place the rag on his face again.

"Steve?" Natasha let him pull her hand to his chest and he held it tightly.

Steve tried to speak but only a sob escaped. He had not cried when he got the call, he had not cried at the funeral. He had not cried when he stood for hours at Peggy's grave earlier that day. All the unshed tears were now freely flowing down his face and he couldn't control them. His shoulders shook as he cried, and he cried for a long time.

Natasha just let him cry and held him close. After a while he slowly began to breathe easier but his eyes were red and his face was slightly swollen. Steve took a deep breath and wiped his face with his other hand. He cleared his throat and spoke softly, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break down on you."

"Steve," Natasha's voice was full of concern, "You just lost someone you care about and that is nothing to be sorry for."

A pained expression flashed across his face and Natasha lifted his face under his chin, "Steve, please tell me. Whatever it is, just say it."

He licked his lip and took a deep breath. "It's not just losing Peggy...it's everything. Bucky is out there somewhere, I can't find him. My friend is out there, confused and I can't help him. Now Peggy is gone, this piece of me from my old life and I couldn't be with her, she lived this wonderful life with some other person. I didn't get to be with her...and now she's gone...and I still love her…" His voice broke again, "I still love her and I feel guilty for having any feelings for anyone else…She is barely in the ground and I can't stop myself….I can't stop thinking about you." He felt more tears roll down his cheek.

Natasha was speechless. She had no idea that Steve was dealing with all that. "Steve," She began, "You feel guilty because you have feelings for me?"

Steve slowly nodded and then rested his head on his knees. Natasha didn't know what to say. She was not equipped to help him deal with those thoughts. She knew that Steve was a caring man and her heart ached at the thought of Steve losing the chance to be happy and then also feeling like he was betraying Peggy by having feelings for someone else. She wasn't sure she would know how to deal with those emotions and thoughts herself, let alone know how to help him. Natasha would just open a bottle and drink her troubles away, but she had read his file and knew that alcohol would not help Steve.

"I honestly don't know how to help you deal with that," She began, "but, you might at least feel a little better if you take a shower and get some sleep." Steve nodded. "Ok," She stood up and held her hand out to help him up. "Let's get you cleaned up."

She clumsily pulled Steve to his feet and turned the shower on and looked back at Steve. His hands were hanging limply at his sides and he was staring at nothing. She moved to stand in front of him and placed her hands on the side of his face. "Steve, it will be alright." She kissed his cheek and left the bathroom and shut the door behind her.

Steve stripped off his clothes, they were soaked with sweat. He dropped them to the floor and climbed in the shower. He stood and leaned against the wall and allowed the stream of hot water to flow over his head. He closed his eyes and tried to shake off the queasy feeling in his stomach. He hated nightmares. They made him feel out of control.

He lost track of time until he felt the water run ice cold. He turned it off and grabbed a towel. He dried off and wrapped the towel around his waist. He glanced at his pile of wet clothes and shrugged. He either had to put them back on or go out in front of Natasha in a towel. He sighed as he picked embarrassment over putting his wet clothes back on.

He slowly opened the bathroom door and squinted as his eyes adjusted quickly to the light. Natasha had turned the bedside lamp on and was perched on the bed. She glanced up as Steve came out of the bathroom.

"I'm just gonna... grab some...clothes," He gulped as he made his way to the closet.

"No need to be shy Steve," Natasha called. Steve blushed as he pulled out some fresh clothes. "I've seen you practically naked before."

Steve dropped his clothes as he spun around and cried "What?"

"You were asleep a long time after they pulled you out of the ice." She smirked.

Steve clutched his towel a little tighter as he scooped down to pick up his clothes. He could feel his face burning red, "Can't a guy get any privacy?" He stormed into the bathroom and closed the door behind him rather forcefully.

He got dressed and took a deep breath before he went back out. He exited the bathroom and made his way to the pile of blanket and pillows that were on the floor.

"Steve," Natasha began, "come up here with me." Steve stared at her in the soft glow of the lamp. "I'm sorry for what I said before. I was just teasing." She tried to lighten his mood. "Just come up here with me."

Steve face softened as he decided to take her up on the offer. He laid down and put one arm behind his head. Natasha curled up on her side and stared at him. "You want to talk about it?"

"About what?" Steve asked as he stared at the ceiling.

"Don't play with me." Natasha replied. "You know what I mean."

Steve sighed, "No, I don't really want to talk about it." Steve's eyes hardened. "Do you have nightmares?" He almost snapped the question off his tongue.

Natasha rolled over and stared at the same spot on the ceiling that Steve was staring at. "Every night." She replied quietly.

Steve's glance turned to watch her. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't pry." Steve apologized.

"No," She turned back towards him, "we all have our demons."

They were silent for a few moments before Steve began speaking quietly. "It was about Peggy. Not that it's surprising."

"You feel better now?" Natasha eyed him.

"Yeah," Steve replied, "A little."

He turned to face her and placed his head on him arm. They were facing each other and just stared quietly. Natasha cleared her throat and looked down at her hands, "Mine have been about children lately."

Steve studied her, "What do you mean?"

Natasha brought her gaze up to meet his, "I can't have children. The Red Room. They took that from me too." She expected to see a look of pity in his eyes, but she only saw his brow crease. She couldn't discern the look on his face.

"Is that something that you want?" Steve asked.

She was caught off guard by the question. She thought for a moment, and then replied, "I didn't use to...but now there is a part of me that wants that." She paused. "After what happened to S.H.I.E.L.D. I no longer have any place to go where no one knows who I really am. Not until I secure some new identities. How could I keep a child safe in the middle of all that? But I look at Peggy. She started S.H.I.E.L.D and also raised a child. I don't even know where those feelings are coming from. It has never been something I wanted. I'm not sure I am cut out for motherhood anyway, but there is a part of me that wants it so badly that it hurts sometimes. I just crush it down like everything else." She could feel a warm tear welling in her eye. She had not expected to show this side of herself to Steve but she couldn't stop it now.

Steve propped himself up on his arm and extended his other hand and gently took Natasha's chin in his hand to pull her face of towards him. "I think the greatest thing a woman can be denied is the opportunity to be a mother if she wants to be. I am sorry that we live in a reality where we can't have normal lives. That we can't have normal relationships and families. I hope that someday you get to have everything you want." Steve wiped the tear from her cheek with his thumb. "You say that you and I can't have a normal romantic relationship. I agree with you, but I think that you and I could have a romantic relationship that will work for the reality we live in. We have…" He paused, "...we have shared life experience." He smiled softly at her.

She felt a smile creep across her lips. Steve leaned down and Natasha left him press a soft kiss to her lips. Natasha felt a warmth creep across her body and butterflies in her stomach. She allowed her thoughts to wander. She didn't want her mind to be made up completely on her physical reaction. Steve was magnificent. He looked like he had been sculpted from stone, but he was also a beautiful person. He was probably the best man Natasha had ever known if she really thought about it. She was not denying that she was physically attracted to him, because she was. She didn't want to hurt Steve. That was important to her. She didn't want to put her needs and wants above his. She tried to clear her head. She leaned closer to Steve and opened her lips allowing their kiss to deepen. Her hand came up to his neck as his moved down to her hip. Steve let out a quiet moan as Natasha parted his lips with her tongue and pressed her body firmly against his.

Steve suddenly became very aware of the fact that Natasha was only wearing a thin tee shirt and he could feel her breasts pressed firmly against his chest. Steve broke the kiss off as Natasha's hand trailed down his back giving him goose bumps.

"Nat," He gasped quietly. "Stop."

She cocked one eyebrow at him. "What? You said that you would only want _that _to happen between us if we had feelings for each other and we wanted to express them."

Steve's own eyebrows shot up, "Well...I...uh..." he stammered.

Natasha pushed him on his back and leaned over him, "Now, let me express my feelings." She leaned down and kissed him again, her body fitting onto his like a glove.

"Natasha," his eyes almost pleaded with her.

"What is it?" Natasha eyed him, her hair spilling over her shoulders. Had he changed his mind?

She allowed Steve to roll them back over so they were lying on their sides facing each other. "I know I am from another time, and that things are different now." Steve blushed, "I am not ready to do this tonight. I know you are, but I'm not." He seemed embarrassed.

Natasha nodded, and then realized something. "Steve, have you never done this before?"

He shook his head slightly, "No." She could see his ears turn bright red.

"There's nothing wrong with that." She replied.

"I hope you're not disappointed." Steve studied her face.

"I'm not." She smiled back at him.

"Good," Steve leaned over her and moved in for another kiss.

"I thought you wanted to take things slow?" Natasha asked.

"Kissing is _slow_." Steve smiled and leaned in a kissed her firmly again.

* * *

Steve slowly awoke, his eyes adjusting to the morning light. He reached his arm across the bed but found it empty. They had kissed and caressed each other until the wee hours of the morning. They had talked more about the fears that creep up on them in the night and held each other close. He had listened to Natasha fall asleep against his chest. He hadn't even realized he fell asleep until his eyes fluttered open the next morning. He could hear the water running in the bathroom. He pulled himself out of bed and made his way across the room and knocked on the door.

"Come in!" Natasha's voice carried over the running water. Steve cracked the door but only stuck his head in. "Good morning." She called from behind the flimsy shower curtain.

"Good morning," He replied.

"Care to join me?" Steve could hear the smirk in her voice.

"Another time." He replied. "You want to go get some breakfast?"

"That sounds great." She called, "I'll be out in a minute."

Natasha exited the bathroom half an hour later dressed in her usual black jeans and tank top. She dropped her bag on the bed and began to pull on her boots. She eyed Steve who was fully dressed and pulling his things together. "You get any sleep last night?" She asked.

"A little." He zipped his bag closed and dropped it on the bed beside her. She allowed Steve to lean down and place a kiss on top of her head. He turned towards the bathroom but she grabbed his arm and stood, pulling him towards her.

"Hey," She squeezed his hand in hers. She stood on her toes and kissed him gently.

"What was that for?" He asked.

"No reason," She smiled back at him. "Now," She swatted his backside, "get a move on. I'm starved!" Steve gave her a mischievous grin and headed into the bathroom. She grabbed her bag and made her way to the door and pulled it open and almost ran into Sharon Carter.

"Natasha," Sharon was holding a box in her arms and almost dropped it in surprise.

"Sharon," Natasha's hands shot out and steadied the box in her arms. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

"That's ok," She smiled warmly.

"How are you?" Natasha gave her a warm look back.

"I'm doing ok." Sharon sighed.

"I was sorry to hear about Peggy." Natasha smiled softly.

"She was ready to go." They eyed one another for a moment then Sharon cleared her throat. "I was looking for Steve."

"Oh," Natasha moved to let her in, "Of course. Come inside."

Sharon moved past her to enter the room and Natasha followed and made her way to the bathroom. She knocked on the door softly, "Steve, there's someone here to see you."

Steve opened the door and slightly stiffened when his eyes fell on Sharon. It wasn't something anyone would notice, but Natasha saw it. "Hi," he said softly.

"Hi," She smiled back.

"Sorry," Steve began, "I didn't get to speak to you at the funeral yesterday."

"Please," Sharon shrugged her shoulders. "You don't have to apologize."

Natasha eyed them and suddenly wanted to get out of the room. She cleared her throat, "Steve I'll meet you outside." He grabbed her hand when she moved passed him. The night before that kind of tenderness would have sent a warmth across her chest, but in the morning light she felt overexposed. She removed her hand from his grasp and gave him a quick smile, "Take your time." She moved away from him, "Bye Sharon."

"Bye." Sharon nodded her head and Natasha felt a surge of emotion rise in her chest. She couldn't identify it so she just swallowed it and left them alone.

Steve motioned Sharon towards the bed, "Have a seat." He stood near the door.

"I have something for you." She took a seat and placed the box on the end of the bed. She couldn't help but let her eyes travel over the rumpled sheets in the bed, but she quickly moved back to look at Steve. "My Aunt asked me to give you this before she died."

Steve's eyes fell on the box on the bed. It was weathered and worn. A week after Steve had been released from the hospital Peggy had taken a bad turn and Steve had visited her again and was surprised when he ran into Sharon there. They decided to finally go get that cup of coffee and she spent an hour explaining herself. She had expressed that she took the assignment from Senator Pierce because she had grown up her whole life with stories of Captain America and she wanted to do her part to protect him. It had been a surprise when he found out that Sharon was Peggy's niece and at first it had made him even angrier with her that she had lied about who she was when they meet. Now that Peggy was gone he didn't know how to feel about the woman sitting before him. He wanted to offer his condolences because she had lost someone close to her, someone close to him. They shared that connection, but she had lied to him. His eyes moved from the box back to meet her gaze.

"Thank you," He didn't know what else to say.

"Steve," Sharon almost pleaded with him. "I'm sorry for what happened before, but I hope that you find some comfort and peace with the contents of this box. She wanted to you have this and I hope that you open it and look through it when you are ready." She stood, "I'm sorry things between us are strained but I will leave you with this in hopes that one day you can forgive me and we can at least have a friendship of some sort."

Steve felt guilt in the pit of his stomach, the better part of him knew he should forgive her and show some sort of comfort and he allowed it to spread through his chest. "Sharon," He stopped her as she reached the door. "Thank you for this."

"You're welcome." She grabbed the door and pulled it open.

"Be safe," he called out.

She turned over her shoulder, "You too." She smiled and then she was gone.

Steve's eyes fell back on the box on the bed. He moved closer to it, until he was standing directly over it. He felt frozen like he couldn't move to even open it. He knew he was being silly. It was just a box, but he feared the unknown. He forced his hand to reach out and open the box. He felt a surge of heartache when saw the box contained files, letters, diaries, and a framed photo. The photo was of before he had been given the super soldier serum. He instantly recognized Peggy's beautiful script on the outside of each of the letters. He picked one off the top and pulled it closer and he caught a whiff of Peggy's perfume and he felt memories and emotions rising to the surface. He put the letter back and quickly placed the top back on the box. He couldn't control himself as the tears began to fall again.

* * *

Natasha watched in the rear-view mirror as Sharon left the hotel lobby and got into her car and drove away. Natasha waited until Steve emerged almost 30 minutes later. She caught sight of his slumped shoulders and clouded expression as he loaded his bag onto his parked bike a few spaces from her. She pulled herself from the car and approached him.

"Hey," She slowly brought her hand to rest on the small of his back.

"It is ok to touch you now?" His words were quiet, but almost biting.

"What?" Her words soft.

"I just wanted to know if it was now ok to touch you." He turned to face her. "Before, with Sharon, it apparently wasn't ok to touch you. I reached for you and you pulled away."

"Steve," She looked into his face, "I…" But she couldn't find any words. She wasn't even sure why she had pulled her hand away from him. In the moment she hadn't thought about why Steve had grabbed her hand in the first place. He had obviously felt uncomfortable, she had noticed him stiffen; but, she had felt exposed and wanted to remove herself from the situation and she hadn't thought about what Steve needed. She had been selfish. It was such a small thing, but she had only thought of herself. She didn't know why it mattered to her if Sharon saw that familiarity between them. "I'm sorry." She pulled her arm away from him and placed them across her chest.

Any excitement she had felt the night before about having a relationship with Steve was now being replaced with doubt and regret. She knew she was broken and had told him that from the start. She had warned him that she couldn't hold up her end of the deal and she had not even made it a full 24 hours. Any shame or guilt she felt was replaced with anger and resentment. She couldn't be with him. She had decided right then that she needed to put an end to any fantasy she had about being with him. She raised her gaze to meet his. His eyes were not their normal piercing blue, but were dark and cloudy. She didn't want to hurt him and decided that this was not the time to discuss that with him so she forced her emotions down and became the Black Widow and used her skills to say whatever she needed to say. "Steve," Her voice was soft and sultry, "You're right. I shouldn't have left you before. I'm sorry. What can I do to help you now?"

Steve's stance shifted and he watched her. "Nothing," He softened and his shoulders slumped, "I'm sorry. I am letting my emotions cloud my judgement right now." He leaned in and pulled her into a hug. "I'm sorry." He kissed the top of her head. "My emotions are raw, but I shouldn't have made a big deal about it. I'm sorry." Natasha allowed him to hug her and even forced her arms to come up to his back and hold him tightly, but she did not to feel the warmth. "Let's go get you something to eat."

"Actually," She pulled herself from his grasp. "I've got to go."

"Natasha?" He looked at her.

"I got a message, I'm needed elsewhere. I can't give details." She leaned in to kiss his cheek. "Rain check."

"Ok," He followed her to her car and shut the door for her and leaned in through the window. "Be safe." He kissed her gently.

Her chest tightened as she tried to keep the warmth from reaching her heart. "Always." She started the engine and Steve pulled away from the car and watched her drive away.

Natasha waited until she was far from sight to allow any tears to shed. She knew she was broken. She had told him she was broken. How was she supposed to ever care for another person when she didn't even know how to care for herself? She would take a bullet for Steve without even blinking but she had no idea how to care for his emotions and to make sure she didn't allow her own twisted emotions and problems to harm him. Her training kicked in and she did not allow herself to feel anything romantic for Steve. She would have to have an unpleasant conversation with him later, but she would have plenty of time to figure out how to let him down gently before they saw each other again. Steve would grieve for Peggy and start back on his path in search of Bucky. Natasha allowed the windows down and pressed the gas pedal to the floor and pushed the engine to its limits and left the perfect night with Steve behind her.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Steve returned to DC after the funeral. He had driven back on his bike enjoying the freedom of the open road. His apartment felt cold and empty when he dropped his bags by the front door. The apartment next door was empty now, Sharon had left and he was truly free of the all seeing eye of S.H.I.E.L.D., at least what was left of it anyway.

He needed to clear his head. After everything that happened during the past few weeks he felt like he was being pulled in different directions and he didn't know which way was up. Losing Peggy had hit him hard, but he had found courage with Natasha. He scanned the apartment, not even sure what he was looking for, but decided to grab his gym bag and left again. He needed to hit something, and a punching bag seemed the safest thing.

He spent several days like that. He would spend the day at the gym and then go home and crash. He let out his frustrations and tried to fight off the nightmares. He tried to get a hold of Natasha, but she wasn't returning his calls or texts. He assumed she was out of contact for a reason and let it go.

Steve was seated on his couch with the files on Bucky spread out on the coffee table trying to figure out what his next step would be when his phone rang. He had hoped it was Natasha and was more than slightly disappointed when I turned out to be Tony.

"Cap," Steve could feel the smirk through the phone, "I'm surprised you knew how to turn your phone on!"

"What can I do for you Mr. Stark?" Steve ignored the jab.

"Listen, I hear you are looking for someone and I wanted to offer you my services. You could come by the tower and we can see if we can't get you a lead. What do you say?"

Steve eyed the stack of papers on his coffee table and weighed his options, "I would appreciate that, thank you."

"Good," Tony was obviously tinkering with something because Steve heard a small explosion which pulled a curse from Tony's lips. "I'll have the private jet pick you up tonight."

"Thanks," Steve declined the offer, "but I would prefer to drive myself. I'll leave first thing in the morning."

"If you're sure," Tony quickly changed his tone, "Uh, gotta go!" The line went dead.

Steve sighed and placed the phone back on the table. He paused for a moment and picked the phone back up. He typed out a message to Natasha.

'I WILL BE HEADED TO NEW YORK TOMORROW. TONY WILL HELP WITH SEARCH. I HOPE YOU ARE SAFE.'

He was satisfied with his message and hit send. He placed the phone back on the table and sat back in the midst of the files. A photo of Bucky, young, fresh and dressed in his uniform smiled back at Steve and it struck him to his core. He closed the file, unable to look at the photo any longer. He eyed the worn box sitting on the top of his book shelf, almost burning a hole in his chest. He had placed it there when he got back to DC and had not touched it since. He had this perfect image of Peggy, a perfect person, and he didn't want to dilute it with anything; even if it was the truth. He wanted to hold on to that idea of Peggy for as long as he could, then when he was ready, he would read through her letters and files.

That night he dreamed of Peggy and Bucky. He woke up drenched in sweat and shaking. After wrestling with sleep for a few hours, he pulled himself out of bed early that morning and packed a bag. He grabbed his shield and loaded his bike. He zipped his leather jacket to keep out the chill and started on his journey to New York. Even though it had changed so much during the time he was asleep, it was somehow still the same. Always busy, vibrant, alive. While he did not care for Tony's style, he was grateful for any help he was willing to offer. He was allowed entrance to the lower parking garage after a retinal scan at the gate. Steve left his bike between two of Tony's vintage cars and made his way to the elevator.

"Hello, Captain Rogers," Jarvis's cool voice was seeping through the elevator. The last time he had been in the tower was after the battle with Loki and the Chitauri. It was a different experience this time.

"Hello, Mr. Jarvis." Steve replied back.

"You can just call me Jarvis, Captain Rogers," The elevator began to rise.

"Then you can just call me Steve," He smiled to himself. This was going much better than the last conversation he had with a computer.

"I am sorry to hear about Agent Carter."

"Thank you," Steve fiddled with the strap on his bag to distract himself.

"Let me know if you need anything during your stay," J.A.R.V.I.S chimed as the elevator doors opened.

"Thank you," Steve left the elevator and found himself in a massive living space. There were couches, and chairs scattered about. There was a bar on one side of the room stocked with different types of alcohol. There were countless electronics that Steve couldn't even begin to imagine what they did. There was a fireplace in the center of the room with a roaring fire radiating heat all across the room. Steve dropped his bag on one of the couches and made his way to the one of the wall of windows. He smiled as he could see the entire city from that spot. He took in the busy city below him, people and cars making their way through the streets. It was warm and quiet high above all the hustle and bustle below. He was lost in thought when Tony burst out of the elevator.

"Welcome Cap!" Tony bounced around with his usual flair and made his way to the bar. "Can I fix you a drink?"

"No, thank you." Steve replied as he left the view at the window and took a seat at the bar as Tony poured himself a drink.

"I'd figure you'd be ready for a drink." Tony eyed him as he took a sip of his scotch. "I'm sorry to hear about Peggy."

"Thank you." Steve said quietly.

"You sure you don't want a drink?" Tony watched him from behind the bar.

Steve decided he would rather not explain that he couldn't get drunk, but wanted to take Tony up on his hospitality so he sighed and pulled his jacket off, "You have any beer?"

"What kind do you want?" Tony smirked.

"Surprise me," Tony was not an easy person to be around sometimes and Steve felt like he was too tired to play through the banter back and forth. Tony placed a bottle before him. Steve grabbed his beer and made his way to sit on the couch. "The Tower seems to be cleaning up nicely."

"Oh," Tony shrugged, "Pepper is making me clean up my mess. It's coming along, but you didn't come all this way to talk about my home decor. Let's get to the point." He took a sip and set his glass on the table and grabbed a tablet and used it to turn on the giant flat screen that hung on the nearest wall. The screen filled with dozens of images.

"What are we looking at?" Steve's eyes scanned over all the images on the screen. "It looks like surveillance footage."

"Right you are Captain." Tony eased back into the couch. "I have been looking for your buddy here through any and all active surveillance footage I could get my hands on."

"What did you find?" Steve pulled himself to edge of his seat and put his beer on the table.

"He's good." Tony seemed impressed as he talked. "I just needed to find him somewhere so I could track him, but he is a slippery devil. He popped up here and there, nothing recent so I have not been able to get a location on him yet."

"So," Steve raised his eyebrows, "You bring me all the way to New York to tell me...What?"

"I come baring gifts," Tony ran his fingers over the surface of the tablet and all the different images on the screen formed into one image. Steve instantly recognized the location as he had spent some time there recently. It was the museum that housed the Captain America exhibit. "It was only a 30% match, but you might be able to tell for sure if it's him."

Steve pulled himself to his feet and moved to stand closer to the screen. A small sense of hope began to rise in his chest. He instantly recognized the silhouette of his life-long friend. "That's him," The words came out almost breathlessly. Steve's mind began racing. He didn't know what to think; he didn't know how he felt or what it even meant that Bucky had gone to the museum. "What now?" Steve looked back to Tony. "Can you track him?"

"His current location is unknown." Tony shifted on the couch. "I am tracking him 24/7, if he surfaces again I'll know. It might take a while and you will have to get wherever he is quickly, but at least you will know where to start looking."

"This isn't going to be easy?" Steve's face seemed to fall slightly.

"Steve," Tony stood, "it's better than needle in a haystack. Listen," Tony jumped to his feet, "I've got plenty of space, so feel free to kick back until the computer gets a hit. If you need anything ask Jarvis."

Tony grabbed his drink and headed for the elevator.

"What?" Steve watched him, "you're leaving already?"

"Pepper and I have a _thing_..." His face did not seem to have it usual boyish grin. "We will be back late tonight, but don't worry. I have everything set up to notify me if the program gets a hit. Enjoy your stay." With that, Tony was gone.

Steve slowly made his way back to the couch and sunk deep into its cushions. There was at least a little part of Bucky still inside the Winter Soldier. Steve didn't think to ask Tony how long ago the surveillance had been taken at the museum. He would ask him later. Right now he was very emotionally drained. He wanted to talk to Natasha, but she had completely ignored him after she left him in the hotel parking long. He pulled out his phone and tried to call her again. It went straight to voicemail so Steve left a short message, "Natasha, it's me….Look, I'm in New York with Stark and he has a lead on Bucky. I really wish you were here with me now….Anyway, please just call me or something. Ok...I...uh….bye." Steve hung up the phone and sighed in frustration. His eyes fell back on to screen before him. "Where are you?" He mumbled.

* * *

Days passed with no hits. Tony was tinkering in his workshop and Steve had no interest in that so he would roam about the city at his leisure and then vent his frustrations out on Tony's state of the art sparring equipment. Steve had taken in the damage to the city during the battle with the Chitauri. Some places were still in need of lots of repairs, but he was amazed at how quickly the city had repaired itself. People were hustling about their days around him as he wandered the streets. He made his way to Time Square and thought back to moments after waking. It was one of the memories fresh in his mind when he had to entertain the idea that he had let Peggy down. It was such a small moment to the people all around him, but it had changed him profoundly. Fury had told him he had been asleep for almost 70 years and his mind has raced in those few seconds and went through several stages of thought. _'I missed our date….Did she wait for me long? Did I break her heart? Did she mourn for me? Is she even alive?'_ Steve felt a chill run through him and he wasn't entirely sure it was because of the cold wind biting on his back.

Steve made his way back to the Tower and warmed himself up by the fire and lazily read through a few books from Tony's library. He perked up when Tony came out of the elevator.

"You find him?" Steve was hopeful.

"Sorry," Tony shook his head, "Nothing yet."

Steve slumped back into the couch. Tony made his way about the room pulling various things he needed and eyed Steve. "You got cabin fever Cap? There is a whole city out there."

Steve acted like he didn't even hear him, "Have you heard from Natasha?"

Tony shrugged at the question. "A few days ago. Why?"

Steve perked up, "Do you know where she is?"

"Didn't say, she had a few questions about some of my old buyers and some other odds and ends, but we didn't really get into details." Tony studied Steve's body language and his face felt a smirk spreading. "Are you worried about our little old spider?"

Steve shrugged it off, but Tony had already picked up the scent. There was something there. Tony wasn't sure what _it _was but there was something going on there.

"Natasha can handler herself." Steve forced his shoulders to relax, but he was fuming underneath. Why had Natasha been ignoring him? He was mixed up with emotions. Grieving for Peggy, worried about Bucky, and he had thought there was a small ray of sunshine in that with Natasha, but now it seemed that a dark cloud had moved over that as well. "Thanks for the update." Steve pulled himself up and headed for the gym.

Tony headed back to his workshop and made a call to Natasha.

"What is is Stark?" Natasha's voice was usually cool, but today it was downright icey.

"So, I hope all is well." Tony began, "Hey, quick question. Why is Steve Rogers destroying my gym after I told him I spoke to you a few days ago?"

The line was silent on the other end for a few moments, "Is he alright?" She asked softly.

"Not really sure," Tony replied honestly. "I had a hit on the Winter Soldier from back when you guys had your adventure in DC without me. He showed up at the Museum. Seemed to shake Steve up a bit." Tony moved around his workshop. "He seems really on edge, even for him."

Natasha took a deep breath on the other end.

"Am I sensing something there Missy?" Tony teased.

"Stay out of it Stark." Natasha snapped and hung up.

"Well," Stark snickered to himself, "this is going to be fun." He made a second call and he heard Pepper's voice on the other end.

"Hello handsome," She purred and Tony smiled.

"Hey," He began, "So I got a question to ask you. Rogers and Romanoff?"

"Tony, what are you talking about?" Her voice was full of confusion.

"You know what I am talking about. Do you know anything? Any little details only woman discuss over alcohol and shoes shopping?"

"Does Natasha seem like the shopping type?"

"Far point, but you didn't answer my question. Do you know anything about that?" He felt a plan formulating in his head.

"No, she hasn't said anything to me since they fished him out of the Potomac. That really pushed her seeing him like that, but that's it." He heard her shift her tone, "Tony, if there is anything there you are under my strict instructions to _leave it alone._ Do you hear me? They don't need anyone else involved with any of that. You do your part with searching for his friend and stay out of the rest."

"Yeah, yeah," Tony smiled to himself, "Sure. Sure. Best behavior."

"I mean it!" Pepper warned. "You better be a boy scout on this!"

"Do I have to wear the outfit?" Tony teased.

"You better if you ever want to see me in any _outfit _again." Pepper's voice was sultry. "I'll see you tonight."

"Yes ma'am." Tony growled and hung up. He pulled up several screens of information and set to work.

* * *

Steve had punched and kicked and slammed everything until his anger had boiled down to a low simmer. Natasha was a grown woman and if she was ignoring him then he thought there must be a reason… he couldn't help but feel like she was leaving him out to dry. He had confided in her and they had connected on a new level. It seemed like an eternity had passed since they had shared that night together, draped in each other's arms to ward off the nightmares. He missed her, and wanted her to hold him and tell him they were going to find Bucky. He wanted to kiss her lips. He wanted her to help his heart to mend. After a hot shower he pulled out his sketchbook and began drawing her face. He wanted to see her.

He had done the same thing after they found him in the ice. It was part of the therapy he had been given to help him ease back into the world around him. He had notebooks filled with images of his former life. Peggy, Bucky, and the shadows of the war. Now that he had adjusted the best he could he tried to move forward. He still had nightmares, but he did not like putting them on paper, he just wanted to forget them. So, now he focused on things that made him happy. He drew for a few hours into the late of the night. He focused on different parts of her face. Her eyes. Her button nose. Her soft lips. He sketched her beautiful curls, her smooth back. He went back and forth through different pages adding details here and there. His hands were black and grey from smudging and caressing the pages, but he didn't care. He finished a portrait of her face and looked at the eyes. He had made them happy. It had helped him to calm down and he was able to not harbor resentment towards her. She would come to him in her own time. He wished she was there for him to hold tightly, but he just leaned back on the bed and eyed his work. Before he knew it he was asleep.

Natasha knew that Steve was upset, it didn't take a genius to figure that out. She felt guilty for ignoring him. She decided to go to New York to talk with Steve. She not only wanted to clear the air about their relationship, but she also wanted to check on him. She still cared for him even if she wasn't going to allow a romantic relationship to happen between them. She slipped in the tower easily and did not wake anyone.

"Hello, Ms. Romanoff," The cool voice met her at the elevator.

"Hi, Jarvis." She leaned against the wall. "Can you take me to Steve?"

"Yes ma'am. Captain Rogers is in the main bedroom suite on the right. Would you like me to announce your arrival?" J.A.R.V.I.S offered.

"No, that won't be necessary." She exited the elevator and made her way across the floor to a set of double doors. She hesitated. Steve was on the other side of that door, the Steve she had kissed. The Steve who wanted to be with her. The Steve who's warm smile made her heart flutter. The Steve who wanted more than a friendship. After she opened that door and said what she came here to say, he would not be that Steve anymore. He would still be that sweet and honorable Steve Rogers that embodies Captain America, but a part of him would hate her. She took a deep breath and opened the door.

The room was spacious and there was a living area and bathroom as well as a bedroom. Natasha wandered towards the bedroom. The door was open and a shallow light was creeping through the crack of the door. She almost called out to Steve until she caught sight of him asleep on the bed. She slipped closer to him. He was lying on his stomach on top of the covers. He wore only pants and his face was turned away from her. His hair was tussled and seemed even lighter in the soft glow of the bedside lamp. Natasha watched his torso rise and fall evenly in sleep. Her eyes wandered over the sculpted muscles of his back. He really was the embodiment of the perfect males specimen. Her eyes fell on the open sketch book next to him. Her breath caught in her chest when she saw her own face staring back at her. She gently lifted the book and examined herself. She wasn't quite sure she could identify the emotion rushing through her body. Steve had drawn her, over and over and over. There were pages of her. It was as if he had memorized her face. She traced the lines with her fingers. It was almost as if she could feel the power of the lines through her fingertips. He had drawn them with such care and tenderness.

A tear dropped and hit the edge of the page before her. She hadn't even realized she was been crying. She cursed under her breathe and quickly wiped the water away, smearing some of the lines slightly.

"Natasha?" Steve's soft voice startled her, feeling as if she had gotten caught with her hand in the cookie jar. He had turned to face her and was squinting against the soft light. She tried to stiffen the sniffle that escaped her but Steve could see she was crying. "What's wrong? Are you ok?" He pulled himself up and reached out for her.

"I...uh…" She felt herself backing away from him. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry." She extended her hand to give him back the sketchbook. She wasn't sure if she could say what she had planned on saying.

"Natasha," Steve pulled the book from her grasp and flung it on the bed. "Please. Is everything ok?" He caressed her arms before she could pull away from him any farther. He watched her face, his hand reaching up to gently wipe the trail of tears from her cheeks.

Natasha battled with herself. She felt like if she allowed him to caress and hold her, he would hate her even more late. She also wanted him to hold her so badly she felt herself being to shiver. She was weak and she hated herself in that moment. A quiet sob escaped her lips as she crashed into him and held him tightly. She buried her head in his chest and clutched him tighter.

"You're shaking!" One of Steve's hands came to rest on the back of her head and the other firmly in the middle of her back. "Can you tell me what's wrong?" Natasha felt fresh tears flood her eyes. She shook her head back and forth against his chest. He was such a good man and she was so angry with herself. How could she hurt him? He was already dealing with so much and she was about to add more to the pile. "Is there anything I can do?" Steve whispered softly.

"You're doing it," the words escaped her lips before she even realized it.

Steve smiled and kissed the top of her head. His hand on her back moved up and down in a slow pace. His fingertips brushed lightly on the exposed skin of her back where her pants and shirt met. It was like fire on her skin. It was the shock that pulled her out of that moment. She pulled back away from him and felt herself being released from the dizzying effect of his embrace.

"Did I do something wrong?" He watched her intently.

"Steve," She huffed, "No." He was always concerned for her. Even in this moment. She forced the anger at herself to rise and clear her desire out of her heart and get back to the matter that brought her there in the first place. "I'm...fine. I'm sorry, that...I don't know where that came from." She moved away from him and took a seat in the armchair next to the bed.

Steve crossed his arms over his chest and stood there silently, not entirely sure how to read her.

"Please, sit down." She wiped her face and collected herself.

"Why do I feel like I am being called to the principal's office?" Steve loosened his arms and sat stiffly on the side of the bed. "What's going on?"

"A lot apparently," She replied. "We have a lot to talk about and I have some things I need to say."

"Ok…"

She licked her lips and forced herself to remember what she had said in her head over and over. "I care about you a lot Steve, more than I can express." She swallowed hard. "I know what happened between us a few weeks ago was not something we expected to happen and I'm not sure we were ready for it. At least, I wasn't ready for it. I told you that night that I am damaged goods and I meant it. I don't say that to be melodramatic, I say it so you understand where this is coming from. I don't handle….emotions...well."

Steve's eyes watched her, but he remained silent.

Natasha continued. "I...even now...I am having a hard time dealing with what I am feeling. I've only ever been taught how to not feel things. I don't want to hurt you. It kills me when you are hurt. Physically or emotionally, it doesn't matter. I barely kept myself together when you were lying in that hospital bed. To know that I would be the one to hurt you is not something I can handle. I think I made a mistake opening up to you that night. I think I let myself be blinded by the idea that you would want me. Instead of thinking it through in my head, I acted quickly and rather embarrassingly I acted on my physical reaction to it…"

"Wait.." Steve interrupted her. "What are you saying?"

Natasha felt a pain in her chest. "I have faith in you Steve, but not in myself. I will end up hurting you one way or the other and if I end it now then it will hurt a lot less and I will be able to live with myself."

Steve scoffed, "I haven't heard from you in weeks. Natasha, I feel like I am going crazy...I have been floundering here on my own...I needed to talk to you….and now you show up in the middle of the night and say 'it's over' before it can really begin? I don't understand what is making you say this…"

Natasha's face crumbled. She wrapped her arms around herself and closed her eyes. "I'm sorry. I am...I never wanted to hurt you. You're a good person Steve. You affect the people around you. You crept into my life in ways I didn't even realize at first. I was a cold and functioning S.H.I.E.L.D. agent and now I can't…I don't even understand why you want me anyway. I am not a good person Steve. I'm not even a whole person. I am broken...Why do you want me?"

The line in Steve's brow had furrowed in confusion before but as she looked at him it slipped away. "You really don't see yourself like I do…" His words were soft and she almost didn't hear him at first. "Natasha, you are a good person. Whether you believe it or not, whether you understand how far you've come. I have watched you do things that would destroy a person yet you are so strong and fierce that you somehow keep going. You're beautiful on the outside yes, but you are also have a beautiful soul…"

Natasha felt a lump in her throat. "I'm not even sure I have a soul anymore…" She whispered.

"I know you do, and I know that it's..._damaged,_ as you put it..but you're a strong woman. You are gorgeous and we both know it, but I would be content to only have your heart. Please don't ask me not to.." He paused, "..care for you. Don't take that from me. I am asking you give me the freedom to risk my own heart."

Natasha wasn't sure what to say.

"Look," He left the bed and knelt in front of her, taking her hands in his. "I know that there are horrors from your past that I wish I could wipe away as easily as I can the tears from your face, but I can't. Those awful things are part of what made you the strong woman you are today. I can't even pretend to being to understand how hard it can be for you sometimes. We said we would take things slowly and we still can. I don't want to pressure you into anything you are not comfortable with, but please don't give up on this because you are scared you will hurt me. Please."

Natasha stared into his eyes. Why was this so hard? The woman she was 10 years ago would never have allowed herself to get into this emotional mess, but she had changed a lot over the past decade.

"Natasha," Steve's voice was soft and warm, "Part of happiness is knowing sadness. You have to know sorrow to truly appreciate happiness. I'm not saying it will be easy, I am saying it will be worth it. Please take a chance on this." Natasha felt new tears forming in her eyes. She closed her eyes and just cleared her head so she could listen to what her heart wanted.

She wanted Steve Rogers with every part of her damaged soul. She opened her eyes and leaned closer to him and brushed her lips lightly on his. "Yes." She uttered breathlessly.

With that one word Steve crushed her mouth with his and kissed her. She allowed all the warmth to wash over her. She kissed him back. He pulled her up with him and held her close. She broke off the kiss and buried her head in his chest.

"I've missed you." He whispered.

"Me too," She felt a smile spread her lips. "I'm sorry I left."

"Where did you go?" Steve's voice seemed small.

She thought for a moment. She wanted to be honest with him and she didn't want to keep any secrets from him, so she told him the truth. "I went looking for Barton."

"Oh," Steve's weight shifted slightly.

Natasha pulled her face up and met Steve's gaze. "I needed some time to figure things out and I needed to talk to someone I trusted. I also wanted to make sure he was ok. He was out in the field when S.H.I.E.L.D. went down and I couldn't leave him hanging."

"Did you find him?" Steve hooked his arms around her back.

"Yeah," She replied.

"Is he alright?" Steve's eyes expressed genuine concern.

"Yeah," Natasha leaned up and kissed him gently. "Are you? Stark told me about Bucky."

Steve huffed out a quick breath. "I'm better now you're here." He leaned down and kissed her, gently at first, then deeper. His hands roamed across her form and she felt her breath catch in her throat.

"Steve," Natasha pulled away slightly. "I thought you wanted to talk?"

Steve smirked and and raised an eyebrow. "No, Natasha. I don't want to talk right now." He leaned in again for a kiss but she stopped his mouth with her hand.

"I bet this place has an amazing shower." She said leading him by the hand towards the bathroom.

"Oh it does!" Steve replied excitedly. "It's huge! It has multiple shower heads!"

"Good." Natasha smiled over her shoulder.

"Oh," Steve gulped as Natasha's jacket dropped to the floor. "_Oh_." He followed her.

She had turned on the shower and the bathroom began to fill with steam. She kicked off her boots and stopped in front of Steve. She reached her arms out and ran them up his bare chest and let them rest there. "You want to join me?"

Steve cleared his throat and hooked his fingers in the loops on her jeans and pulled her closer to him. "I do."

"Quite the confidence there Captain Rogers." Without her boots on, her head only came to the middle of his chest. She had to stand on the tips of her toes to plant a heated kiss on his lips. Steve scooped her up under her bottom and raised her up to meet him. She wrapped her legs around his torso and Steve moaned. He shifted his kisses to the crock of her neck and down her chest.

Natasha gasped at his touch as she ran her hands through his hair. She leaned back to allow him to continue his trail of kisses. Steve swung her around and sat her down on the counter between the two sinks. She felt the heat of his touch along her sides and as he gently pulled her thin tank top up and over her head. Natasha smiled as her soft curls fell loose from the shirt and draped over her shoulder.

"You are so beautiful." Steve's eyes were roaming over Natasha's perfect form. She was toned and her skin was like porcelain. His eyes stopped when they fell on the scar on her stomach. He gently brought his hand to her stomach and ran his thumb over the scar. Natasha watched him; she could tell he was thinking.

"Hey," She brought her hands to his face and turned him to look at her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Steve smiled warmly. "Everything is so tangled up...I don't want to think about it right now. I just want to feel you….but, I don't want the first time...we…" Steve almost blushed, "..uh…"

"It's ok to say it you know." Natasha dropped her hands away from his face.

Steve straightened his shoulders. "When we make love for the first time I don't want it to be tainted by other things."

"What do you mean?"

"That's why I didn't want to after Peggy's funeral. I wanted it to be its own memory. It may sound cliché, but I want it to be special…"

"Steve," Natasha sighed, "You really are a romantic aren't you?"

"Is that a bad thing?" He eyed her.

"No," She scooted herself off the counter and made her way to the shower door. She unhooked her bra, dropping it to the floor, and effortlessly peeled her jeans away. She stepped out of the pool of clothes on the floor and watched Steve over her bare shoulder. "I can help you feel things without having sex. I am highly skilled you know." She smiled as she saw Steve's face blush. Natasha entered the shower and allowed the water to stream down her body. She wet her hair and arched her back against the strong jet of water coming from the shower head. She gasped when she felt Steve's strong arms snake around her stomach and his mouth against her shoulder. She turned herself around to face him and brought his face closer to hers, "I guarantee you will enjoy this."

* * *

Tony woke up slowly that morning. He groaned in disappointment when he found Pepper had already left. After lounging in bed a little longer he pulled himself up and made his way to the bathroom.

"Good morning, Mr Stark," The cool voice greeted him.

"Good morning, Mr Stark?" Tony mocked, "What's the matter with you Jarvis?"

"You asked me to inform you when Mrs Romanoff arrived…"

"Oh, let her in!" Tony turned on his shower. "Let her know I will be out in a bit."

"Sir," J.A.R.V.I.S explained, "She arrived early this morning."

"How early?" Tony smirked.

"Very early," J.A.R.V.I.S continued, "You were asleep when she arrived and she requested I not wake anyone."

"Uh huh," Tony thought to himself climbing into the shower. "Would I be correct is assuming she is in the suite with Captain Spangles?"

"If you are referring to Captain Rogers, yes. I have also been instructed by Mrs Romanoff to inform you to have inappropriate relations with yourself."

"Are you paraphrasing?" Tony laughed.

"I am sir," J.A.R.V.I.S replied.

"Well," Tony laughed. "It's about time!"

Natasha felt herself slipping from the grasp of sleep. She was lying on her side with the sheets draped over the middle of her body. She smiled when she found Steve's arm was wrapped loosely around her stomach. She could feel his warm breathes on her neck, he was still asleep. She lay still, not wanting to wake him. They had slept very little the night before, and she knew he was tired. She let her mind wander back to the heat of their shared shower the night before.

"What you thinking about?" Steve's scratchy voice startled her.

She smiled and found his eyes cracked open and watching her. "Morning." She rolled over to face him. She leaned and planted a kiss. Steve pulled her closer to him and rolled to hover over her, careful not to allow his full weight to crush her.

"You are so beautiful," Steve smiled and leaned down to kiss her lips. He gently trailed his kisses from her lips down her neck. He smiled when she moaned against his caresses. He slowly began making his way down her body and she was greatly disappointed when she heard Jarvis' voice.

"I am sorry to...interrupt...But Mr. Stark would like to speak to you both."

Natasha let out a frustrated sigh, "Tell him he can wait." She watched Steve hesitate above her.

"I am sorry, but Mr. Stark is attempting to open the door. I am overriding his attempts, but he is very determined." J.A.R.V.I.S was trying to be respectful.

Steve sighed and quickly rolled away. He grabbed his sweat pants from the floor and pulled them on. He went to the bathroom and emerged with a long white robe and handed it to Natasha. "He is really making me angry." Steve's brow was creased as he watched Natasha stand, allowing the sheets to fall away. She saw Steve's face fall slightly as she pulled the robe over her form.

"Steve," She tied a quick knot, "its fine."

"No," Steve began, "He's being disrespectful."

"Well, well," Tony's voice snaked into the room as he opened the set of double doors.

"Mr. Stark, "Steve stepped forward. "This is inappropriate." His voice was sharp and biting.

"Call down, Cap!" Tony raised his hands, "I come in peace. Nice to see you Red." Tony nodded to Natasha.

"What is so important that you couldn't wait?" Natasha shifted her stance and brought her hands to her hips.

"I got a hit." Tony replied quickly, dropping his hands.

"Wait," Steve's demeanor changed instantly. "You mean on Bucky?"

"Yeah," Tony explained. "He's in Dubai."

"Dubai?" Natasha repeated.

"Yeah," Tony sauntered around the room in his usual fashion. "I've had the jet on standby and it will take off as soon as you are ready to go. You can be there in about 20 hours"

"Why is he is in Dubai?" Steve looked to Natasha.

"You sure it's him?" Natasha eyed Tony.

"The computer does not lie," Tony pulled his tablet out and showed them a fuzzy security camera photo of Bucky. "86% match."

Steve took the tablet and saw Bucky's face, unshaven, disheveled. "That's him." He handed the tablet back to Tony and began grabbing clothes. "Thank you."

"I'll get you a hotel when you get there and you can coordinate the search with me here. Now that we know where to focus the search we might get lucky and pin him down when you are on the ground." Tony smiled at Natasha. "You gonna get dressed there Romanoff?"

Natasha eyed Stark. She couldn't put her finger on it, but he was a little too excited about this. She wasn't going to let Steve go alone, so she pushed down her suspicions for the moment and spoke, "We'll be ready in 20 minutes."

"Fantastic!" Tony made his way to leave, but called over his shoulder, "Doubt you have time for a shower."

Natasha wanted to reach out and smack him, but he had shut the doors behind him. "Steve," She turned to speak, but stopped when she saw him frozen, leaning on the dresser. "What is it?" She moved quickly, her arms found his back, he was trembling slightly.

"I uh.." He tried to find the words but he faltered. "It just hit me that we could find him tomorrow...We could find him tomorrow and…" He turned to Natasha. "What if he knows me..what if he doesn't know me? I don't know what we are walking into…"

"Hey," She grasped his hand in hers. "We don't know what to expect, but keep in mind that Dubai is a big place and it might be harder to find him that Stark is letting on."

"What are you saying?" Steve's hands were clutching hers tightly.

"I'm saying, don't let it affect you." She moved closer to him. "You are here, right here with me. Right now. This is the moment," She moved his hand to rest on her chest over her heart. "You are here. We don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, or whenever we find Bucky. Keep yourself grounded. You can't allow it to make you jittery. We have to stay sharp. No matter how much of Bucky, if any, is even left. He is still the Winter Soldier and you barely survived your last encounter."

Steve's shoulders squared. "You're right." He ran a hand down the side of her face, any signs of tremors were gone. He rested his hand on the side of her neck, rubbing his thumb gently across her cheek. He gently kissed her. The kissed was not filled with the desire or urgency of the night before. It was a simple, loving kiss. He pulled away and went back to filling his bag.

They were on their way to the airport within half an hour. They were sitting patiently on the private jet waiting for takeoff. Steve started to get twitchy after an hour.

Natasha snaked her hand into his, "We'll take off soon."

Steve turned to her and took a shallow breath. "I'm glad you're here with me." He pulled her hand to his mouth and laid a gentle kiss on the back.

Natasha smiled warmly. "Can you tell me about him?" She eyed Steve.

"You've read every file right?" Steve looked at her. "You know all about Bucky?"

"I know everything in the S.H.I.E.L.D files, yes." She rubbed his hand with her thumb, "But I want you to tell me about your friend."

Steve sighed, "Well," he seemed to be searching for his words, "how do I explain one of the only people who really cared about me before I became….this." He waved his hand down his body. "You read my file, you know what I was before Project Rebirth. Bucky was my best friend. He cared about what happened to me. He was the kind of person that looked out for the little guy. He was funny, had a wicked sense of humor." Steve smiled as if he were remembering good experiences. "He was always lucky with the ladies, but never took advantage of that. He was always looking out for me…" His voice trailed off.

They felt the jet roll forward, "Looks like we are finally moving." Natasha nudged him softly. "What you thinking about now?"

Steve looked into her eyes, "I keep talking about him in the past tense... Is _that_ Bucky gone?"

Natasha thought for a moment before answering, "I think that you suffered a loss when he died, and even though you know he is alive... breathing... you did in fact lose that Bucky. No matter how much of him is still in there, he is also the Winter Soldier. You can't change that, what happened to him after he fell from that train…" She trailed off when she saw a pained look flash across his face. "Steve," She began, "I don't believe you were responsible for what happened that day…"

"I do…" He interrupted her, and pulled his hand from her grasp. He seemed to fold in on himself slightly and his shoulders shrunk.

"Steve," Natasha shook her head and pulled herself from her seat and crawled into his lap. She placed her hands on his face and made him look at her. "This is going to kill you."

"What will?"

"The guilt," She spoke softly, "This guilt you feel. It will eat at you for the rest of your life. Even if we find him and we are able to help him, you will only ever see the hurt and damage. It will make you feel responsible for all of it."

"I do feel responsible," His eyes began to burn.

"You can't." Natasha hardened her tone. "Listen to me. You can't. You did everything you could to save him. Whatever happened to him after, that was the result of someone else's actions. None of that is your fault." Steve took her hands away from his face and held them. "Whatever happened to him, no matter how awful it was, that was not you."

Steve hung his head, "I don't know if I can just turn that off…"

Natasha thought for a moment. She would have been able to simply shut that part of her off, but that was normal to her. She could shut the door on guilt, and had so many times in her life. After Barton brought her to S.H.I.E.L.D she had changed over the years. She had become a softer person, even if it was only minimal by other's standards, Natasha could see it in herself. Even though she had softened, she could never truly understand how other people felt. That part of her had been beaten and crushed out of her years ago. She licked her lips, "If you can't turn it off, you have to figure out a way to work through it. What can I do?"

Steve studied her for a moment, "Can I get back to you on that?"

She smiled, "Yes, but don't think you can dodge me on this."

"I won't," he showed no signed of sarcasm, "I just need time to think…"

"Ok," Natasha moved to stand, but Steve held her there and pulled her closer to him. He didn't move in for a kiss, he just buried his head in her chest and held her close to him. She smiled and laid her hands on his head.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The flight was long, even with all the distractions Tony had packed away. Steve's mind wandered and he was nervous. Natasha tried to help him relax, even forcing him to lay down on the couch and instructed him to close his eyes. Steve obliged, but he didn't sleep and he knew she could tell. It was morning when they arrived in Dubai. The air was warm and Steve could feel himself begin to sweat slightly. Tony had made good on his promise to find them a hotel when they got there. A driver had been waiting for them at the airport. He had loaded their overnight bags into the trunk and drove them to the heart of the city.

Steve had tried to call Tony when they landed, but it had gone straight to voicemail. That never happened. Not even J.A.R.V.I.S was picking up. This made Steve even more nervous. The driver had explained that Mr. Stark had given him instructions to drop them at the hotel and remain on retainer for the extent of their stay and to call him if they needed a ride anywhere day or night. He left them with his and drove off.

Steve was speechless as they entered the hotel lobby. The hotel was exquisite. It was by far the most magnificent hotel Steve had ever set foot in. Natasha seemed unimpressed at his side as they made their way to the desk. He could tell she was scanning the lobby, probably planning out an escape route if needed. Ever the constant spy.

"Hello," Steve smiled at the man behind the desk. "I'm…"

"Mr. Spangles." The man smiled in return.

Steve was caught off guard. "Excuse me?"

"You are Mr. and Mrs. Spangles." The man explained. "Mr. Stark said you would be coming. He has set you up in the penthouse. He explained you are on your honeymoon and has expressed we are to take good care of you both." The man smiled and pulled himself from his seat. "If you will follow me…"

Steve's mouth was gaping open, but Natasha's face showed no sign of distress. She quietly followed the man to the elevator. Steve fumbled to pick up his bag from the floor and jogged slightly to catch up.

"My name is Mr. Fatima." He swiped a key card at the elevator and motioned them to enter. "I am here to serve you however I can. If there is anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable, please do not hesitate to call."

Natasha was silent the entire trip up, which took a few minutes as the hotel was quite tall. Steve answered with a simple, "Thank you."

The elevator stopped and the man swiped the key card again to open the doors. "You should be quite comfortable here." The man stood by the door and watched them as they entered.

They had the entire floor. Steve was beyond words. There were multiple rooms and each was filled with modern and sleek furniture. There entire floor was encased in windows. Very open, and there was a balcony that housed a private pool. Mr. Fatima handed Steve a set of key cards and explained that the elevator would not open to get in or out without the proper key cards so they do need to worry about being disturbed.

"Thank you," Steve said again as Mr. Fatima left them alone in the massive room.

As soon as he had left Steve was fumbling with his bag to pull out his phone. Tony did not answer. Steve threw the phone down on one of the couches in frustration.

Natasha still had not said a word. He turned to her, "What is Stark doing?"

She shook her head when the large flat screen TV turned on. Steve jumped when Tony's face appeared.

"How is the happy couple?" Tony smiled.

"Stark," Steve's voice was sharp. "What is going on?"

"Calm down," Tony began.

"Don't tell me to calm down," Steve shouted. "We came here to find Bucky, and you've got us playing husband and wife? What is with this hotel?"

"Do you like it?" Tony smirked. "I thought you might."

"Stark," Natasha approached the screen and stood right in front of the camera she knew was there. "What are you playing at?"

"Ok," Tony smiled, "Look, I may have fibbed a little…"

"What do you mean?" Steve barked.

"He's not here is he?" Natasha stated rather than asked. "He was never here was he?"

Tony shrugged. "I never got a hit. I faked it."

"What?" Steve shouted. "Why did you do that? Why did you send us here?"

Tony laughed, "You need a vacation, Cap."

Natasha could feel the anger seething from Steve's body. They were silent for a moment, then Tony spoke. "Look, it was doing you no good being held up at the Tower. I frankly could only take so much of your moody sulking. I figure you and Red could get some things out of your system and why not do it in the privacy of one hell of a hotel room at the other end of the world!"

Steve spoke quietly and directly. "This is ridiculous. We should be looking for Bucky not wasting time. We're leaving." Steve made his way to the elevator.

"Actually..." Tony chuckled.

Steve stopped and turned back, "What?"

"You sent the jet away didn't you?" Natasha once again stated rather than asked.

"Bing Bing!" Tony brought his finger to his nose to push the point. "You guys are stuck there until I bring you back, unless you want to fork over the money to pay for a commercial flight home?"

Steve was angry, and Natasha didn't blame him. He seemed to be choosing his words carefully. "What is wrong with you?"

"Ha!" Tony fanned hurt, "I send you to one of the most beautiful places on Earth and you don't even appreciate it! I knew I shouldn't have shelled out for the honeymoon package…" He trailed off.

"What is that about?" Steve demanded.

"Well," Tony looked to Natasha, "You want to answer or should I?"

Natasha sighed, "He booked us in as a married couple so that no one will be suspicious. If there are any HYDRA agents in the area, or anyone for that matter, they won't have any clue that Captain America and the Black Widow are here…"

"Right again!" Tony clapped his hands. "Listen, the program is still running. You can leave from Dubai just as easily as you can from New York if it gets a hit. The jet is still there, just not somewhere you can get to without my direct instructions." He smiled. "Take some time off. Blow off some steam."

Steve hung his head. Natasha knew that Tony had been up to something, she just hadn't been able to put her finger on it. She watched Steve as Tony continued. "It will be great. Go for a swim, order room service. You guys don't even have to leave the room if you don't want to." He raised his eyebrows, "Listen Spangles, alone with Red in the penthouse, why would you want to?"

"That's enough!" Steve warned.

"Don't worry about your performance," Tony teased, "I am sure Mrs. Spangles will fully enjoy herself..."

Steve made his way to smash the camera, but Natasha had found the controls and ended the call. Steve lowered his hand and stared at the black screen. Natasha watched him as he processed the situation.

"This is unbelievable!" Steve placed his hands on his hips. "What is wrong with him?" He wasn't really asking her so she didn't answer. She walked slowly to the balcony and looked out over the city. The sky was so blue and there were hardly any clouds that day. The air was warm and there were loung chairs around the pool that were shaded by umbrellas. She made her way to one of them and placed herself down. She stretched her legs out and closed her eyes.

She waited until Steve joined her. He flopped down next to her in a huff. She stayed silent and waited for him to speak.

"I can't believe he did this." Steve huffed again.

"Stark's a dick." She replied.

"That's it?" Steve turned to her.

"What?" She raised her head to look at him.

"That's all you have to say?" He asked.

"What do you want me to say?" She asked. Natasha was tired. She had been travel constantly for a month. She was always on the go. "Stark may be a dick, but he has money. He sent us here to satisfy himself. I am too tired to deal with him right now, but if you want to fly home I will go with you right now to the airport and we can get on a plane and head back. I will do whatever you want to do." She eyed him over her sunglasses. "Or, we can take a few days off and rack up a room service bill so high Stark will think twice about doing something like this ever again." She let that hang in the air.

Steve slumped even further into his chair. "It is very nice here." He said quietly.

Natasha nodded and dropped her head back down on the cushion on her chair. They remained silent for a long time. Natasha was almost asleep when Steve spoke again. "I thought we were coming here to find him…"

She sighed and swung her legs over the side of the chair and sat up. "We are no closer to finding him now than we were yesterday. It seems to be all I think about. It creeps into my dreams, forcing me out and Stark is playing games with us."

"Look," Natasha pulled her sunglasses off. "I have very little respect for Tony Stark, but we are here right now. There is nothing you can do to find Bucky on your own except start wandering the globe. Stark is still your best bet at finding him. When will you ever have a chance like this again? When will you have no other place to be? I for one vote we stay for a few days and enjoy ourselves." She eyed Steve.

He sighed and nodded. "You're right."

"Good." She pulled herself up and took off her ever present leather jacket and dropped it on the lounge chair. She kicked off her boots and then unzipped her black skinny jeans and shimmed them down her legs. She pulled off her tank top and stood before Steve in her panties and bra. She could see his eyes roaming over her body and his breath catch in his throat. "I am going for a swim, if you want to join me." She walked to the edge of the pool and dove in with perfect form. The water was cool and clear. She swam the length of the pool and popped up on the other side. She smiled as she watched Steve strip off his clothes down to his briefs.

She watched him dive into the pool with the same easy and agility as she had. He appeared next to her, water glistening off his broad shoulders and back. She leaned over the side of the pool and rested her chin on her crossed arms. Water sloshed around her as Steve came up close to her and she had chills run up her spin when he placed a warm kiss in between her shoulders.

"You are so beautiful." His words were just above a whisper. He moved and kissed one of her shoulders. "It's not terrible to be stuck here with you." He teased.

"Well," She chuckled, "with comments like that it's no wonder you wonder you struck out with the ladies." Steve moved to lean on the side of the pool next to her.

"Natasha," He said with all seriousness. "I am glad you are here with me. I can think of no better way to spend my time than with you."

"Much better Rogers," Natasha smiled.

"I want to spend the perfect day with you," He leaned over and kissed his way up her arm.

"Getting better," She sighed

"I want to shower you with kisses." He kissed up to her shoulder.

"Getting better," She gasped when he planted a kiss on her exposed neck. Steve's strong arms pulled her to face him and his lips found hers. She let a slight moan escape as he parted her lips with his tongue. She draped her arms around his neck and his hands rested on her hips. Steve's strong legs kicked to keep them afloat as they drifted away from the edge of the pool. Steve followed through with his intentions to shower her with kisses. They spent the late morning relaxing in the pool. Soon their stomachs began to groan in protest.

They left the hotel and made their way down the street hand in hand. Natasha let her hips swing a little more than usual, pulling Steve along behind her. They roamed around the city and stopped a few times to look through the many shops and tables selling souvenirs. They found some street vendors selling food and had a picnic seated on the side of a large fountain. They roamed the city for most of the day and headed back to the hotel when they were tired of the heat and the sun was getting lower in the sky.

Steve pulled the door open and allowed Natasha to enter the hotel lobby and followed her in. They were headed to the elevator hand in hand when they were stopped by Mr. Fatima.

"Pardon me sir!" He called from behind the desk. "Sir!"

Steve stopped short and they made their way to meet him midway between the elevators and the front desk.

"What can I do for you?" Steve asked.

"Oh," Mr. Fatima smiled, "Nothing sir, I just wanted to inform you that your bags had arrived."

Steve and Natasha exchanged a quick glance. "Oh," Steve nodded, "Thank you."

"I can bring them up with you now if you prefer?" Mr. Fatima smiled.

"Oh, of course" Steve replied. "You don't need to trouble yourself. I can carry them up."

"If that is what you wish." Mr. Fatima motioned a bellboy over. He made his way through the lobby pushing a shiny cart loaded with luggage over to the elevator.

Mr. Fatima swiped the card to open the elevator and held the door open as the bellboy struggled to push it inside. Steve and Natasha squeezed themselves in the elevator. "Your table in the hotel restaurant is reserved for 7:00pm each night of your stay. You will also find an extensive room service menu on the table by your bed should you choose to remain in your room."

"Thank you," Steve smiled sheepishly.

"Just leave the cart in the elevator once you are done and we will retrieve it later." Mr. Fatima added, "And as always, please let me know if you need anything."

"Thank you," Steve repeated.

Natasha and Steve waited for the elevator door closed before speaking.

"What on earth is Stark doing?" Steve sighed. He eyed the expensive mountain of luggage stacked on the rack between them.

"Who knows?" Natasha shrugged. "I for one am praying there is a hair straightener or curling iron in there. The humidity is killing my hair."

"I like your hair when it's wild," Steve smiled.

"That's one of us," Natasha grumbled under her breathe.

Steve thought for a moment, "It will be nice to have some extra clothes. I packed light."

He easily pushed the cart out of the elevator and began unloaded the bags. There were lots of them and some were quite heavy. Natasha began rummaging through them as Steve loaded the empty cart back on the elevator.

"Ah," She smiled, "He did not disappoint." She smiled as she grabbed a smaller bag full of makeup and hair care products.

Steve watched her as he opened another bag and found it was full of women's clothes. "I think this one is yours too." He moved to the largest and heaviest bag in hopes that it held some extra clothes for him. His eyes widen when he discovered its contents. He tried to quickly close the top without Natasha seeing what was inside, but her keenly trained eye had caught him stiffen.

"What's in it?" She asked with one eyebrow raised.

"If I said 'nothing', would you believe me and drop it?" Steve asked optimistically, but knowing the outcome.

"Of course not," She smirked and made her way over the open the bag. She crouched over Steve's shoulder and pulled the top back open. She began to laugh, loudly.

Steve's face blushed as Natasha pulled out a set of handcuffs and a whip. "I could find a use for these!" She teased. True to his rascally behavior, Stark had included a suitcase filled with sex toys and condoms. Steve didn't even know what half the contents of the bag were, let alone entertain the idea of using any of them.

Natasha chuckled to herself until she saw Steve's face, he looked positively mortified. "Oh, Steve!" She swatted his shoulder lightly, "Don't be such a baby." She returned the handcuffs and whip to the bag and closed the top. She slipped in front of Steve where he was crouched on the floor in front of the bag and took a seat on top of the closed suitcase. "Stark is just, once again, being an ass." She took one of Steve's hands in hers. "We were having such a wonderful day, don't let him ruin it." She leaned in a kissed his cheek.

"I won't," Steve replied back. "I just," He gulped, "I know you are…" he chose his word carefully, "...experienced...and I don't want you to be ...unsatisfied…" He trailed off.

"Steve," Natasha sat up straighter. "Last I check you were Captain America and I could never be unsatisfied with you. I told you before; sex and intimacy are two separate things. If sex is what you are after, then I can do things to you that will make your head spin so fast you won't know where you are for days." Steve's eyes widened slightly and his face flushed a deeper red. "But," She continued, "If it's intimacy you are after, then we don't need any of this stuff." She kicked the bag beneath her for good measure. "As far as I knew, you wanted to take things slowly. I'm not going to make you feel uncomfortable with any of this crap anyway. Stark is just having a laugh at your expense." Steve nodded. "Ok," She pulled herself up to stand. "I'm going to take a shower."

Steve watched her gather her bags and head to the bathroom. "Natasha," He stopped her. "Let's have dinner tonight."

"At the restaurant? Like a date?" She asked.

"Yeah," He smiled. "I hope Tony packed you something nice because I want our perfect day to continue into the perfect evening."

"Ok," She smiled; a light fluttering of butterflies took hold of her stomach. "No peeking at me in the shower." She called over her shoulder.

Steve chuckled and went back to rummaging through the bags until he found one that contained clothes for himself. He found a nicely tailored grey suit. Steve had no idea how Stark had gotten his measurements, but he didn't give it much more thought than that as he tried it on. It fit him like a glove. The jacket was not restricting, but it showed more of Steve's muscles than he thought possible. He found a dark blue tie, dress shirt, socks, and shoes. It had been a while since he had worn anything this nice. Stark might be an ass, but he knew how to pick out a suit. Steve eyed himself in the bedroom mirror and was satisfied with his reflection.

His breath caught in his throat when he saw Natasha's reflection. She was standing behind him in a flowy, knee length white dress. He turned toward her as she tucked a strand of softly curled hair behind one of her ears. She was stunning. The dress hugged her waist and bust in layers of soft white fabric. It stopped at her chest, leaving her perfect porcelain shoulders and upper back bare. The bottom of the dress flowed over her voluptuous hips. The dressed stopped at her knee and she was wearing a simple pair of red high heels. Her fiery red hair was curled and partially pinned up behind one of her ears with a soft light blue flower. Her blue eyes seemed to stand out more than usual and her soft lips were painted a pale pink. She smiled as she watched Steve eye her from head to toe.

"Well?" She waited.

"Wow," Steve was lost for words, "I mean….wow…" He took her in. "I take back anything bad I said about Stark today, because you look ...you look...like a million bucks."

"Thank you," Natasha smiled, "You don't look half bad yourself."

Steve shrugged, "I don't look nearly as amazing as you do." He moved towards her and took one of her hands and kissed the back of it. "Shall we go down to dinner?"

"I'm starving." She smiled as she let Steve loop her arm around his.

* * *

They made their way down in the elevator to the hotel lobby. They were greeted by the hostess in the hotel restaurant and were escorted to their booth. It was secluded enough so that they could have privacy if they wanted, but it had a clear view of the restaurant. All the other tables were full. Natasha couldn't keep herself from plotting an escape route should trouble arise. She didn't believe that there would be any trouble, but she always liked to be prepared.

They listened to the waiter list off the special menu and they were left alone for a moment. "This is nice," Steve looked around him. "I don't think I have ever been on a date with such a beautiful woman in such a beautiful place."

Natasha smiled, "Keep talking like that Romeo and you might end the night with a bang."

She expected Steve to blush but he just leaned closer to her over the table and lowered his voice, "I'm counting on it."

"Well," she lowered her menu and shifted in her seat. "I thought we were taking things slow?"

"That was before I saw you in that dress," He arched an eyebrow and gave her a devilish smile. "And I wanted.._that..._to be special and nothing would make today better than ending this day together."

"Oh, together, huh?" Natasha traced lazy circles on the back of Steve's hand with her delicate finger. "You mean, _together, _together_?" _She teased.

"I do," Steve replied back confidently.

"Well," Natasha retrieved her menu from the table and began eyeing it again. "Then let's enjoy ourselves the best we can."

Steve smiled and looked back at his menu. Natasha was satisfied when he slightly jumped at the gentle nudge of her bare foot along the inside of his thigh under the table.

"Natasha!" He gasped and straightened in his seat.

"What?" She asked, her eyes not leaving the menu. "Just making sure you I have an effect on you."

Steve's face grew slightly stern, "You have no idea the effect you have on me."

She smirked. She did know. Steve shifted in his seat again when the waiter returned. They ordered, and quietly sat and observed the other occupants of the restaurant. They began talking; enjoying the twists and turns the conversation took as they enjoyed their meal. They discussed politics, literature, music, the change in morality over the years. The conversation never got heated, just simply an exchange of ideas and opinions. After she had finished eating Natasha scooted closer to Steve on the bench of the curved booth. She knew Steve was enjoying the view as she craned her neck to expose her bare shoulder from her curtain of red hair. She wanted so badly for Steve to lean in a place a warm kiss on her neck, but he was being ever the gentleman.

They waiter returned to clear away their plates. "Can I interest you in dessert?"

"Oh, maybe.." Steve seemed interested, but Natasha had other plans. Under the table she snaked her hand up his leg and firmly grasped his thigh. "...maybe we should skip dessert." His voice shaky.

"Oh," Natasha smiled at the waiter, "I couldn't possibly eat another thing. I am stuffed." She made lazy circles, inching closer and closer to his belt.

Steve grabbed her hand under the table and smiled, "Thank you. That was a perfect meal. Do you have the bill?"

The waiter smiled back. "I am glad you enjoyed it. Your meal is being charged to your room. Unless, you are in need of anything else?"

"Oh, no." Steve shook his head, "Thank you. Enjoy your night."

"Thank you, sir." The waiter nodded. "You enjoy the rest of your evening."

"Oh," Natasha smiled wickedly, "he will." The waiter smiled as he walked away from the table.

"Natasha," Steve looked at her sharply.

"Come on," Natasha leaned in closer to him, pressing her chest against his arm. She wanted him to wrap his arm around her. "Kiss me."

"Public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable, remember?" Steve straightened his tie. She nuzzled his ear, Steve gasped slightly as Natasha's mouth made its way down to his neck. "Natasha," Steve tried to think, "You will make it very embarrassing for me when I need to stand up."

Steve could feel Natasha smiling against his neck. "Then let's go back upstairs," she replied.

Steve pulled Natasha behind him out of the booth. They waited patiently for the elevator doors to open. Once they were safely behind the elevator doors Steve grasped Natasha and braced her against the wall. His hands found their way to her plump bottom pulling up one of her legs as he attacked her neck with his mouth. Natasha gasped at his confident, firm touch. She wrapped her raised leg around him and pulled his body to hers with her hands at his back. Steve crushed her mouth with his as his hands continued to roam over her body.

The elevator door opened and Steve steered them into the bedroom. She pulled his tie loose and flung it aside as dropped on the bed. Steve hungrily kissed her neck and his hands rested on her exposed thigh. She roamed the firm muscles of his back with her hands and arched her back to raise herself to meet him above her.

"Steve," She found herself almost breathless.

"Yes?" He stopped kissing her and looked down at her with concern. "Is there something wrong?"

"No," She shook her head. He shifted to lie down next to her, his hand resting on her stomach. "I just wanted to say that you are not going to hurt me. I'm not fragile, and I don't want you to be afraid to touch me." Steve smiled sheepishly.

"Natasha," Steve leaned down and hovered to kiss her. "I would never think you fragile." He kissed her lightly.

She felt the heat in her growing. She pushed Steve up and quickly reversed their positions, pinning him down between her legs. "This is going to be fun."

They freed each other from their remaining clothing and crashed into one another, kissing, roaming, heated desire driving their natural instincts.

"You feel so good, Natasha," Steve looked up at her and took in her beauty. The perfect roundness of breasts, the flushness in her cheeks. Her fiery red hair was flowing over her flawless shoulders. She began to move herself slowly; feeling her rhythm Steve tried to match it. The moved in unison. She moaned and gasped as Steve suddenly flipped Natasha onto her back. She raised her legs around his middle as he moved his mouth to her neck.

Natasha moved against him, her fingers raked down his sweaty back. They moved and rocked and Natasha felt the pressure building. She gasped for breath as she felt herself hit that wall and rode the wave. He cried her name as he followed. They both gasped for breath as they came down from the high.

Natasha opened her eyes, her hands resting on his neck. "Steve," She looked into his eyes. "I would never have guessed that was your first time."

Steve smiled and leaned down to kiss her mouth. "I am so glad that it was with you."

"Me too," She laughed breathlessly as she ran her hands down his arms. He slowly pulled himself from her and flopped down on his back next to her. "Captain America did not disappoint." Natasha pulled herself up next to him and rested her head on his chest.

He wrapped his arm around her and held her closely to him. "Thank you," He said quietly.

"Are you thanking me for sex?" Natasha laughed. "You are taking the politeness a little too far."

"No," Steve sighed "Thank you for showing me that side of you. Thank you for being vulnerable with me so I could express to you how I feel about you. I wanted to make you feel pleasure."

"Well, you did that." Natasha smiled.

"I wanted to make you feel pleasure," he explained, "because I care about you a great deal." He held her closer to him and kissed the top of her head. "I don't think I could ever do that with someone I didn't have feelings for."

Natasha didn't want to spoil the moment by thinking of the countless other men she had slept with, none of which she had feelings for. She wanted to remember this experience with Steve. He gently played with her hair, running his fingers along the now loosening curls. Natasha sighed with contentment. It wasn't long before she found herself slipping into sleep.

She woke up a few hours later and discovered Steve had left the bed. He had covered her up with a blanket and she smiled at the thoughtfulness. She wrapped herself with the blanket and got out of bed to find him.

He was on the balcony, now wearing a pair of sleeping pants. He was leaning on the railing looking out over the city. Natasha crept up behind him and snaked her arms through his and wrapped hers around his torso.

"Hi handsome," She kissed his back.

"Hi there beautiful," Natasha could hear the smile on his face in his voice.

"You ok?" She asked.

"Yes," he smiled. He turned around to face her and wrapped her in his arms. "I am beyond ok." He leaned down and kissed her softly. Natasha stood on the tips of her toes and let the blanket fall away from her. "Natasha, someone might see you."

"I don't care," She shrugged. She moved her hands to his neck, "But, if you're so uncomfortable, you could just take me back to bed." She smiled with one eyebrow raised. Steve smiled as he scooped her up in his arms and carried her back to bed.

They spent the rest of the dark hours enjoying the experience that comes with exploration of new sexual desires. Natasha could only describe Steve as hungry. He was hungry to feel every part of her and she was more than happy to let him. She was not surprised by his stamina, but amazed at his level of affection. Steve was so strong and he was built like a truck. He was full of muscles that could easily tear someone in half, but he was gentle enough to kiss her and caress her in way that made her feel wanted; loved even. That was not something that she had ever experienced before.

* * *

The sun was high in the sky and it was almost noon before Natasha woke. She turned to find Steve lying next to her, watching.

"You look the most beautiful in the morning," He said softly.

Natasha laughed and pulled herself up into a sitting position. She stretched her arms up straight and arched her back, rolling her neck. The sheets had fallen down to reveal her luscious body. She hissed slightly at a sharp pain in her lower abdomen.

"What's wrong?" Steve was immediately up at her side.

"Nothing," Natasha's hand went to stomach. "I, uh…" She hissed again as the pain increased.

"Did I hurt you?" Steve's face fell.

"Steve," Natasha turned to him. "No, you didn't hurt me." She saw his body relax. "I'm sure it's nothing." Steve leaned over and kissed her shoulder. The pressure in her stomach was familiar and she had hoped it wasn't her period.

"Is there something I can do?" He asked.

"Not that I can think of right now." She smiled back. "But, maybe we can skip the morning sex."

"It's practically not morning anymore anyway." Steve teased. "I think you wore me out."

"I know that's not true." She teased back. "You can still move."

Steve chuckled and kissed her shoulder. "Well, we will have to see about that another time."

Natasha was about to say something witty in response, but another sharp cramp coursed through her abdomen. She bit down on her lip.

"Natasha," Steve placed a firm hand on her shoulder, "lay back down." He eased her back onto the pillow and brought the sheet back up to cover her body. "Where is the pain?" His face was full of concern.

"It's just cramps," Natasha tried to ease his mind. She never had regular periods and they were so inconsistent. Sometimes they were very painful, and other times they passed without much notice. She hoped she wasn't about to start, that would put a damper on the rest of their trip. "It's nothing I'm sure." She placed a hand down over her stomach.

"Oh," Steve's faced seemed alarmed.

"Don't worry about it Steve," She ran a hand along his arm.

"Can I run you a hot bath?" Steve offered. "I've heard that can help you relax."

Natasha smiled, "That sounds really nice." Steve leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her lips.

"Ok," Steve pulled himself up from the bed. "You wait here. After I get you in the bath I will run down to that pharmacy we passed yesterday and see if they have anything that can help." He called over his shoulder as he made his way into the bathroom.

"No," She waved her hand. "Don't trouble with that. I'm sure it will pass after a nice hot bath." She doubted Steve had heard her over the roar of the water filling the tub. Her phone began ringing and she sighed as she pulled it from the bedside table. She saw it was Pepper calling and swiped the screen to answer it.

"Hello Pepper," Natasha could hear Tony's voice in the background carrying on about something rather passionately.

"Hey, Natasha," Pepper began, but then yelled away from the phone, "_I will deal with you in a minute Tony_. Sorry about that. So, first I want to apologize for Tony. Even though I gave him strict instructions to leave the two of you alone, he obviously didn't listen to me."

"Pepper," Natasha tried to speak but Pepper just kept going.

"I know it's none of my business, whatever is going on with you and Steve, so if you two want to come back I can have the jet ready to go in 2 hours. You just say the word. However," Pepper's voice shifted, "I would fully understand wanting to stay in that lovely hotel with one of the most attractive men on the planet." Pepper's voice travel away from the phone again, "_Yes, Tony he is and I told you to be quiet._" Her voice moved back to the phone, "Sorry, he is just pouting because he is in trouble. Now, if you want to come back you just let me know and I will take care of everything. If you want to stay there and rack up a very large bill for Tony to pay, that is ok too." Pepper finally stopped talking.

"Thank you Pepper," Natasha began. "I'm not sure what we want to do yet..."

"Natasha," Steve called from the bathroom, "I've got your bath ready!"

"You know what Pepper," Natasha smiled, "I think we might stay a little longer."

"That sounds great," Pepper replied and then lowered her voice slightly. "You will give me every detail when you get back. _Shut up Tony_!" She shouted. "Now, you just enjoy yourselves and let me know when you are ready to come back."

"Thanks Pepper," Natasha replied. The call ended and Natasha sighed as she dropped the phone back on the table.

Steve exited the bathroom, "Nat," He watched her. "You ready?"

"Yes," She replied and began pulling herself up from the bed. The cramps intensified as she tried to stand. She almost doubled over back on the bed. Steve was at her side in an instant.

"I think this is more than just.. _ladies troubles_..." Steve's face was stern.

"Did you just say 'ladies troubles'?" Natasha pulled herself up straighter. "You've never experienced them so how would you know?"

Steve's face flushed as he helped her to the bathroom. "You're right." He helped ease her down into the giant tub.

Natasha sighed as the hot water engulfed her aching body. "Oh, this is almost better than what we were doing last night."

Steve chuckled and took a seat on the side of the tub. "I would hope I was better than that."

"Please," Natasha splashed him with a little water. "I said 'almost' for a reason. Now, let me have my hot bath in peace."

"Yes, ma'am." Steve mocked a salute and pulled himself from the side of the tub.

She sunk down further into the hot water. She let her mind clear and her body relax fully. She soaked in the tub for a long time, almost floating in the state between sleeping and waking.

Natasha day dreamed for quite some time, until the water had chilled to a dull warm. She groaned and considered filling it up again, but decided against it. She pulled herself up out of the water and grabbed a towel. She was pleased that the cramps had eased and appeared to be gone. She dried herself off and wrapped up in the towel, the tub empting as she left.

Steve was not in the bedroom. She dressed in a simple pair of shorts and tank top. She wandered out into the main room and found Steve perched on one of the many couches.

"Feeling better?" he asked, closing the book he was reading.

"I am actually," Natasha dropped down on the couch next to him. "Thanks."

"I got you some stuff at the pharmacy," He leaned over and pulled a large plastic bag over and handed it to her. "There seems to be a lot of...products...I just ended up buying whatever the pharmacist suggested." His ears seemed to pink in embarrassment.

"Steve," Natasha smiled taking the bag, "You really didn't need to go out and get all this." She rummaged through the bag and found the pharmacist had been thorough. There was a heating pad, several bottles of pain relievers, pads, tampons, and a few chocolate bars. Natasha smiled.

"I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable," Steve smiled sheepishly.

"That is very sweet," Natasha leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. She felt a feeling of warmth spread through her heart. Steve honestly wanted to make her feel better. He didn't want anything from her in return, he just wanted to help. Not many people in Natasha's life treated her that way, it caught her off guard slightly. She could see Steve studying her face and she didn't want him to know she felt uncomfortable by his concern for her. She smiled brightly and threw her hair over her shoulder. "What do you want to do now?"

"Well," Steve began, "I don't know about you, but I am starving. How about we get out of here and go grab a bite to eat?"

"That sounds perfect." Natasha's stomach had been gnawing at her for the last half hour.

They made their way out of the hotel and roamed the city again, finding a place to eat and enjoyed a meal together. After eating they found a nice shading place to sit while Steve sketched the people and city around them. Natasha went back and forth between watching Steve and dozing off. She was fascinated by the ability Steve had to control the pencil and the lines that seemed to flow out of him. She watched the people around them go on about their day. The city around them was diverse in every walk of life. A small family caught Natasha's eye, a little boy was clinging to his mother's leg, crying.

Natasha felt her chest clinch as her mind wandered easily to the idea of having her own children, or rather the fact that she couldn't. She looked to Steve and watched him as she thought about the fact that if he stayed with her, that he would never have his own children. She knew what kind of man Steve was, and that he more than likely wanted children. How could she deny him that? She wasn't even sure she even wanted her own children. When she had confessed to Steve weeks before that she felt a burning desire to have them, it was true, but it was always in the back of her mind that someone might take that precious child away from her at some point. It made her heart break, not sure where the rush of emotions was coming from, she felt her eyes water and dropped her head.

"Natasha," Steve was reaching for her hand. "What's the matter?"

She hadn't realized Steve had turned his attention to her. "Nothing," She replied quickly and ran her hand under her eye. She smiled and shut her emotions off. "You ready to head back?" She started to pull herself up, but Steve grabbed her hand and prevented her from getting up from their seat on the grass.

"Natasha, please don't." His face was stern with concern. "Are you in pain again?"

Natasha didn't want to lie to Steve, but that was an easier answer than explaining the train of thought that had just gone through her head. "Yeah, a little." It was a little white lie, but she felt the guilt immediately.

"Let me help you up." Steve pulled himself up and extended his hand. "Why didn't you say anything earlier?" He gently pulled Natasha to her feet.

"Steve, it really isn't that bad." The guilt made the gentleness of his touch sting. She almost yanked her hand free from his grasp. "I am already feeling better." She watched Steve as he gathered up his pencils and wrapped them back up and tucked them and his sketchbook back into his bag and slung it loosely over his shoulder.

"Alright," He just accepted her lie and smiled sweetly.

Natasha hated the feeling that was crushing her from the inside out. Why was all of this affecting her so much? She was a highly trained spy, lying was natural for her. She did it all the time. Lying to Steve, even over this one tiny thing, was making her feel uncomfortable. She forced herself to shrug it off and took Steve's offered arm and they walked back to the hotel.

* * *

Later that night, lying in bed, Natasha turned to face Steve. She propped her head up on one arm and laid her other hand on Steve's bare chest.

"Huh?" He lazily opened one eye.

"Hey," She smiled back.

"You ok?" He asked as he pulled himself up.

"There is something bothering me." She replied quietly. "I lied to you before."

"What about?" He asked more attentive now.

"When you asked me if something was wrong, when we were out today..." She continued, "I said nothing, but there was something."

"Did it have to do with the family across the street?" Steve asked. Natasha's face fell, she didn't realized how much Steve had noticed. "Can you tell me about it?" Steve prompted her to continue.

"This is all new to me," Natasha shrugged. "I'm not sure what I am supposed to say and not say about how I am feeling. I don't want to upset you by what I say…"

"Natasha," Steve moved closer. "You say whatever is bothering you and we deal with it together."

She studied his face for a moment and then took a deep breath. "While we were sitting there, I saw all these people around us. That little family caught my eye. The way the little boy was clinging to his mother, like she was his lifeline…" She paused, not wanting to continue. "Steve, do you want children?"

Steve's face flashed a look of comprehension, "Is that what is bothering you?"

"Please," Her voice sharpened, "just answer the question."

Steve cleared his throat, "Natasha, I want you to listen to me." He took her hand in his. "I mean really listen to me."

"Ok," she replied quietly.

"I have always wanted to be a father." He paused when he saw Natasha's eyes water. "Let me finish," He continued, "There are a lot of things that I have wanted that will never come to fruition. Like I said before, my life changed since Project Rebirth. It made things possible for me that I would never had been able to accomplish. My life would be very different...in all honesty I would probably have been dead long ago." He wiped a tear from Natasha's cheek. "When you and I met it had only been a few months for me since I had been fighting in one of the worst conflicts in history. I woke up and the entire world around me had changed...and now I almost feel like my life is not my own…" He felt his throat clinch with emotions. "I..uh.." he tried to clear his throat, "..I am not sure I will ever get to have the life I wanted...a wife, children, normalcy. It's an unfortunate side effect of my occupation."

"Steve," Natasha almost sobbed. "What happens in 10 years? What if your life changes and you have the opportunity for normalcy? What happens then? You should have someone who can give you those things.. I can't give them to you. "

"Natasha, I can only look to tomorrow, I can't look to 5 years from now, 10 years from now. What I am doing right now to get through it all is just living life day to day. What I can do is try and be happy today. So, to answer your question, yes I do want children. Just because you can't or don't want them yourself, it doesn't mean that I am not happy being with you." Steve reached up to wipe another tear that had fallen onto Natasha's round cheek. "Hey," Steve shushed her, "I am happy just being with you, every single day. Never underestimate how much I care about you. You are what got me through today. You are what I want, let life take control and see where it leads us."

Natasha wanted to believe Steve. She wanted the words to be true. Steve was an honest and good person. He was a terrible liar, and she knew it. It was just so hard for her to accept that someone as good and honest as Steve would want her. She knew Steve respected her, saw her as an equal, trusted her as a partner, but how could he care for someone like her? She tried to form words, anything to convey that frame of mind to Steve but she couldn't. She just let the tears fall. The Black Widow wasn't an unfeeling, cold machine. Under all the death, torture, and darkness was a woman. A woman with complex emotions and a sharp mind. She just knew how to hide them but now she didn't hide them. She just let herself melt into Steve's arms. After a few minutes she tried to compose herself, wiping tears from her eyes.

"Look what you've done, Rogers." She poked his chest. "You've turned me into a weepy mess." Steve chuckled lightly. Natasha took a deep breath and sighed. She leaned closer to Steve and kissed him softly. Steve held her closer and Natasha kissed him with more passion that before. She let Steve guide her to her back as he pulled the sheets away from her naked body. She let the heat take over and Steve made love to her again.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

They spent several more days wandering around the city. They enjoyed magnificent meals and spent hours lounging in the pool. They spent even more time in bed. Neither could get enough of the other. Steve was experiencing all this for the first time and Natasha couldn't help but notice that the emotional connection she had with Steve had affected the physical relationship as well.

Neither of them seemed to have any nightmares either. She had not experienced her usual nightly gauntlet. Steve had not seemed to either, at least not any that woke Natasha for nearly a week. The nightmare had crept up on her. She was wandering in the dark snowy mountains, she didn't exactly know where. She was shivering uncontrollably. The wind was howling, but there was something underneath it that was catching her ear. She tried to focus on it, and then the sound got louder and louder. It was a baby crying. She began to search frantically, the snow falling all around her. She stumbled upon a basket and pulled the blankets back to find it empty, but the child was still crying. As she continued searching in the blinding snow the crying changed. It was no longer a baby, but a child, calling for its mother.

Natasha followed the sound and then she could see the outline of a child in front of her. The child had its back to her.

"Are you ok?" Natasha asked and she approached the child. She could see the child was probably 4 or 5, she couldn't tell if it was a boy or girl. Natasha crouched down and turned the child to meet her eyes. "Are you lost?" Natasha tried to speak again, but the child had struck out with a knife driving it straight and deep into her abdomen.

Pain exploded inside Natasha as she fell back into the freezing snow. She felt the warm blood flowing freely from her body. Her eyes became unfocused as she watched the child drive the knife deep into her body.

"Natasha!" Steve was holding her tightly, trying to wake her. She quickly snapped awake and cried out in pain. She found her hands were already clutching her stomach tightly as she felt another wave of pain course through her. "Natasha!" Steve tried to steady her as she arched her back. "Breath." Steve ordered. She obeyed and clenched her eyes shut as she forced air into her lungs and out, slowly, trying to calm herself. She felt her stomach flip and her mouth water.

"I'm going to throw up," She whispered. Steve quickly helped release her from the clutches of the tangled bed sheets. He helped Natasha get to the bathroom, and held her hair back as she vomited violently. Her entire body felt each wave, the warm liquid burning her throat, tears stinging her eyes. She finally finished and sunk to the cold floor. Steve gently wrapped a robe around her naked body, and she leaned into him.

"You're shivering," Steve's concerned face floated in and out focus in front of her. "I'm getting a doctor."

"No," Natasha reached out and grabbed him.

"Natasha," Steve tried to reason with her. "You're sick. We need to get you to a doctor."

She shook her head slowly. "It's just my..." She chose her wording carefully for Steve, "It's just ladies troubles."

"Oh," He looked terrified.

She shifted to ease the pressure on her back. It was a pressure in her stomach that she had felt often in her youth. The Red Room had done terrible things to her when she hit puberty. To be a Black Widow you could not be fertile and function as a cold blooded seductress. It caused conflict. Sex created children, children were a weakness. That ability had been taken from Natasha. The pain she was feeling was all too familiar. This was probably the most painful one she had experienced in quite some time. She tried to level her breathing, and looked to Steve. "It's not usually like this," She tried to ease his mind.

"What can I do?" Steve hated seeing her in pain and felt helpless. He draped a robe around her shoulders.

"Just bring me the bag of stuff you bought and something to wear," She instructed. "Preferably something loose fitting.

"Ok," Steve eased her up and helped her sit on the edge of the tub and left her for a moment.

Natasha closed her eyes and tried to push down the nausea building in her.

Steve returned and stopped when he saw her pale face. "Natasha," He whispered.

"It's fine," she replied softly, "Can you get the shower running for me?"

"Yeah," He set down the bag and clothes on the counter and moved to the shower, turning it on hot and then returned to her side to help her up and made their way to the shower. "You want me to leave you alone?"

"Yes, I'll be fine, thank you." She made her way to the shower, her movements slow and fuzzy. She took a quick shower and dried off. She found what she needed out of the bag Steve had brought her and pulled some clothes on. She fished out a bottle of pills and popped it open. She poured what she needed out into her hand and put them in her mouth. She leaved down to the sink and turned on the water and used her hand as a cup and washed them down. She opened the heating pad and made her way out of the bathroom.

"You ok?" Steve asked, having been seated in a chair near the bathroom door in case she needed him.

"I'll be alright." She patted his arm softly. "Help me will ya?"

Steve pulled himself from the chair and took her arm. He lead her to one of the couches near an outlet. He helped ease her down in the corner of the couch. He plugged in the heating pad for her and she placed it against her stomach, wrapping her arm across to keep it in place. She pulled her legs up to further increase the pressure on her stomach. She sighed and tried to pop her neck to release some of the pressure and ease the headache at the base of her skull.

"What else can I do?" Steve had seated himself near her on the couch, but was sure to give her space.

"Can you bring me my phone?" She asked. "It's next to the bed."

"Yeah," Steve hopped up and made his way to the bedroom and returned with her phone in hand.

"Thank you," She took it with one hand and swiped it over to unlock the screen. She debated on whether she should call Pepper or text her instead. The local time was nearing 3 AM so it would have still been early evening in NY. She decided to text, as she was not sure she could mask the pain in her voice. She sent a quick, non-detailed text requesting the plane be ready to take them back to New York in the morning. She was relieved when Pepper responded almost instantly. Pepper didn't ask why, she simply said she would take care of it and let her know when the plane would be ready.

Natasha sent a quick thank you text back and layed her phone down on the couch next to her. "I'm sorry to cut our vacation short," She looked to Steve. "I told Pepper I wanted to leave tomorrow. I probably should have asked you if you were ready to leave…"

"Natasha," Steve interrupted her, "I don't care about staying here. I am worried about you. I still think I should get a doctor…"

"Steve," Natasha extended her hand out, Steve moved closer to grasp her hand in his. "I promise I'm ok, this is just an unfortunate part of life for me. I appreciate your concern, but I really will be ok." She squeezed his hand for good measure and he smiled weakly back at her.

"Alright," he stood and they dropped hands. "I'm gonna get our stuff together."

"It's 3 AM I think it can wait," Natasha watched him.

"Oh," His face flashed, "You're right. I should let you rest."

"Steve, I didn't mean that," Natasha shifted slightly. "I just meant you don't have to worry about it right now. Why don't you go back to bed?"

"I couldn't go back to sleep after hearing you scream like that…" Natasha's head snapped up. "It took a lot to wake you…"

"I'm sorry," Natasha hadn't even thought about the nightmare she had been having. It had obviously shaken him up a bit, which she hadn't expected. "I didn't mean to…"

"Natasha," Steve crouched down on the floor next to her and took her hand back in his. "You have nothing to apologize for. It just scared me seeing you in pain and not being able to do anything about it." He kissed the back of her hand. "I don't say this to make you feel badly, I say this because I care about you...I want to do anything I can to help you.." He looked up at her. "I don't want to seem too forward with you, but I have learned that things can change quickly…" He took a deep breath, "I love you Natasha." Natasha felt a lump form in her throat. "It may seem really soon for me to say this, but I do. I love you and it's ok if you can't say in back to me and it's ok for you not to say anything at all. I just..I just needed you to know...I just needed you to know how I feel about you."

She just studied his face, "Steve...I don't know what to say.." She didn't even really know how she felt about what he just said. How could Steve love her? What did he know of love anyway? What did she know about love for that matter? How could he have come to that conclusion so quickly? He didn't even really know Natasha, what she had done in her past. She was almost angry with him for making this declaration so quickly, because it made her think that he only loved the Natasha he knew right now. Would he still say he loved her if he knew every little detail of her past? She wasn't sure which emotion was rising to the top. She didn't want to let anger rise up and crush his declaration, but she wasn't exactly filled with good feelings. She had hoped she would feel happy if Steve ever said he loved her. She had never thought about that before, but she thought she shouldn't feel this way. Now that it had happened, she was just uncomfortable.

Steve felt a little fear rise up in his chest after he closed his mouth. Natasha was just staring at him. He had meant what he said, that he just wanted to let her know how he felt about her since life was so uncertain. Something could happen to him tomorrow and she would never know how he truly felt about her if he didn't voice it. He could tell she was struggling with what he had said, not sure of how or why, but she was obviously having an internal dialogue. Now he felt a little uneasy about voicing his feelings so soon into their relationship. He wasn't even sure what to call whatever it was going on between them.

"Natasha," Steve spoke softly, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I probably shouldn't have said that, I just sometimes speak from the heart and don't think about it first in my head. I didn't think how my words could affect you." He felt himself rambling on.

"Are you taking it back?" Natasha cocked her head.

"No!" Steve declared, "No, not at all...I just..this is all very new to me...and I just wanted you to know, and now I feel like maybe I said it too soon. I mean, aside from Peggy, you are the only woman I have ever had any real feelings for….I thought I would have so much time with Peggy and it was taken away in the blink of an eye."

Natasha felt a pang of guilt at his words. She had been so quick to anger. Steve didn't know everything in her past and she was judging his declaration of love solely on that. She had never stopped to think what this was for him. Steve had lost so much, and he was just afraid of losing something else, her. Natasha was tired, she felt horrible. She just wanted to fall asleep, and now she was running the gauntlet of emotions on top of it. She wasn't sure what to say to Steve. She didn't want to make his feel badly, and she wasn't able to express herself either. She sighed and dropped her head to her knees.

"I'm sorry," Steve repeated. "Please just don't say anything. We don't have to discuss it now...or ever...if you don't want to…" Natasha didn't have to look to know that Steve's ears were bright red with embarrassment. Steve let go of her hand and moved away, leaving Natasha alone on the couch. She could hear him moving around the room doing various things, he moved into the bedroom and Natasha just stayed on the couch. She curled into herself further, wishing the cramps to lessen. Natasha dozed off in the quiet.

* * *

Her phone was ringing, it pierced through her sleepy brain and forced her eyes open. The sun was up, but she wasn't sure what time it was. She searched for her phone amongst the couch cushions. She finally found it and saw it was Pepper.

"Hello?" Natasha cleared her throat.

"Hey, Nat," Pepper's voice was her ever bubbly self. "I spoke to the pilot and he should meet you at the airport in 2 hours. I've already sent a car for you, be down in the lobby in 40 minutes. Take off will depend on how many flights are going in and out today, but you should be headed back to New York in a few hours after that."

"Thanks, Pepper," Natasha was relieved to be headed back somewhere familiar.

"As for...Tony's _luggage_…" Pepper began, "Take anything you want out of it, leave the rest and I have instructed the hotel staff to dispose of it. I apologize again for his callousness,_ it was callous Tony_!" She yelled over her shoulder. "Anyway, you are welcome at the tower when you get back to New York. I will assure you that you would have privacy should you choose to shack up with Captain America." She teased.

Natasha chuckled slightly, "I appreciate your discretion."

"We will see you when you get back and I fully allow and endorse that you beat Tony's ass." Natasha could hear the smile in her voice. "Don't let Tony fool you, but he is shaking in his boots."

"Thanks, Pepper," Natasha repeated and hung up the phone.

She stretched her stiff muscles and regretted it immediately. The cramps had not eased at all and the sudden movement caused a sharp pain to shoot up her back. Natasha groaned and Steve had appeared at the sounds of her distress.

"Natasha?" He was leaning out of the bedroom, "Are you ok?" When she didn't answer right away, he quickly made his way to her side, kneeling next to her. "Natasha?"

She took a breath and forced her eyes open, his piercing blue eyes focused on hers. "I'll be fine...I hope." She tried to smile, but Steve didn't smile back.

"Are you sure you don't want me to get a doctor?" Steve hadn't tried to touch her, take her hand.

"No," She reached for his hand. "I'll feel better once we are back…"

"I hope you do," He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. "Who was on the phone?"

"Pepper. Car will be downstairs in 40 minutes to take us to the airport and hopefully we will be headed back to New York in a few hours after that." Natasha accepted Steve's help to pull herself up off the couch. She was disappointed that the pain had not eased and that she was still nauseous. "Bathroom please."

Steve helped her to the bathroom, Natasha was moving slowly, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you should see a doctor when we get back to New York.."

Natasha knew Steve was only concerned for her, but Natasha had been dealing with this her entire life. There was nothing any doctor could say or do to change her circumstances. She decided not to voice this, but instead said, "If I am not feeling better in a few days, I'll go see Dr Fine." She eased herself down on the side of the tub, "Can you hand me the bottle of pain pills?"

Steve grabbed the bottle and handed it to her. He left for a moment and appeared with an empty glass. He filled it from the sink and handed it to Natasha. He watched quietly as she dumped out a few pills and swallowed them. She drained the glass.

"You gonna be ok to fly?" Steve crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the counter.

"I'll be fine," Natasha nodded. "It won't be fun, but I'll make it."

They gathered their things, leaving much of Tony's luggage behind. Natasha didn't bother with make-up, but whipped her hair up in a ponytail and washed her face. She willed herself to have the energy to gather up her things. She smiled as she saw Steve gently fold up the white dress she had worn to dinner and place it gently in one of the suitcase. It always amazed her how much sentiment people put into things. It was something that had been squashed out of her at a young age.

Steve caught her watching him, "I thought you might want to keep it.."

"I do," She moved to stand in front of him. He leaned down and met the kiss she wanted to plant on his lips. It was gentle and sweet, soft and warm.

"What happens when we get back to New York?" Steve asked.

"I'm not sure.." Natasha hadn't really thought about it. She had been so swept up in their time away that she hadn't thought about what was next. "Let's just get back and see what tomorrow brings."

"Yes ma'am." Steve smiled. He looked around the massive room to ensure they left nothing important behind. After his final sweep he was sure they had everything. "You ready?"

"Yeah," Natasha replied. Steve gathered all their bags except the one Natasha insisted on carrying herself that she had slung over her shoulder. Even though Steve was carrying their entire luggage, he asked Natasha take his arm to steady her. She accepted it, which told Steve how sick she still felt, no matter how many times she told him she was fine.

As promised, there was a car waiting for them at the door. It was the same driver who had brought them from the airport. Steve thanked him and helped Natasha from the car when they arrived. The airport was busy, but they got their plans squared away and found some quiet seats to wait until they could board the private jet. Natasha still felt nauseous and smells from the small cafes around her was not helping. She had no appetite and counted the minutes to take her mind off it. They waited a couple hours until they were finally able to board the jet. Natasha headed straight for the bathroom.

Steve made himself comfortable in one of massive cushions chairs. Natasha was still in the bathroom when they were ready for takeoff about half an hour later. Steve pulled himself up and knocked on the door. "Natasha, you ok?"

"Yeah," her voice muffled on the other side of the door.

"We're ready to take off," Steve waited until she opened the door. She looked very tired, dark circles clung under her eyes. Her face was covered in a light layer of sweat and she was shaking slightly. "Natasha!" Steve exclaimed at the sight her of.

Natasha was about to speak when Steve cut her off, "Don't you dare say you are fine. Clearly you are not." He extended his arm out for her to take. She fumbled for his arm and her feet felt like they were entangled in themselves. She stumbled and Steve easily swept her into his arms. He made his way to the front of the jet and gently laid her down on the couch. "Natasha, this is serious. Will you please let me help you?"

Natasha shook her head, "Steve, please, I will be fine. Just leave it alone." She shrugged off his concern and rolled over to face away from him.

He sighed in frustration, he knew she could be stubborn, but this was too much for him. "Why won't you let me help you?" Steve just wanted to help her.

"This is nothing you can help with." Her words were quiet, she didn't turn to face him. "Please, just leave me alone right now."

Steve gave up and left her alone, returning to his seat. He tried to not be angry. Natasha knew her body much better than he did, but he thought she needed help. He wished she would let him, but he left her alone. She would ask for help if she wanted it.

They were silent for the first half of the trip. Steve could tell from her even breathing that Natasha had fallen asleep. She shifted in her sleep and turned to face him. Her face was relaxed. Steve watched her sleep for a while. She was so beautiful. She had no make-up on and her hair wasn't fixed, but Steve found her just as beautiful as he had the night she had worn that white dress. He pulled his sketch book from him bag and drew her sleeping form, there were no creases on her face, she was perfectly relaxed. He filled a few pages with her face, but it was not long before he noticed there were lines forming on her forehead. She was either in pain or having a nightmare. She began muttering in Russian, so he figured it was another nightmare.

He dropped his sketchbook back into his bag and made his way to crouch down at her side. "Natasha," He said gently. When that didn't wake her he nudged her lightly. He was little more forceful, "Natasha!" She jerked awake.

She took in her surroundings and tried to even out her breathing, "What?"

"You ok?" Steve reached for a bottle of water from the table behind him.

She nodded a yes and pulled herself up into a sitting position, taking the water bottle from his extended hand. "Thanks," Her voice was scratchy.

"Another nightmare?" Steve asked quietly.

Natasha didn't answer; she just gulped down the water. Steve watched her, waiting for her to respond to him. She made no indication that she was going to, so he prompted her again, "You want to talk about it?"

"No," She said blankly. She pulled herself up off the couch, stepped around Steve and made her way back to the bathroom.

Steve stood up and watched her silently as she walked away. Steve wanted to know why Natasha was ignoring him. Was it because she didn't want to talk about the nightmare? He couldn't blame her for that, he didn't always want to discuss his either. Was it because she didn't feel well? Did she just not want to talk, or did she just not want to talk to him? Had he freaked her out about telling her that he loved her?

Steve didn't want to push her. She obviously did not feel well and now was probably not the best time to agitate her further with something that had made her uncomfortable anyway. Steve just remained silent and went back to his chair. He waited about 20 minutes before checking on her.

He could hear as he approached the door that she was vomiting again. He debated on whether to knock or not, but decided to anyway. "Natasha, you need anything?"

She didn't answer right away, but when she did her voice was quiet, "I'll be out in a minute."

Steve didn't know if he was supposed to wait there or not. It was only a few minutes before the door to the bathroom slowly opened and Natasha made her way out. She extended one hand out to steady herself on his broad chest. She was still shaking, but not as badly as before.

"Help me back," Her words were soft and almost hollow.

"You want to walk?" Steve asked.

"Yeah." She nodded.

"We will take it slow." Steve wrapped his arm around her waist and took most of her weight on him and guided her back to the couch. He eased her back down and she looked back up at him.

"Can you bring me my bag?" She ran a hand over her hair to try and tame some of the fly aways.

Steve moved to grab her bag and handed it to her. He took a seat next to her and watched her as she rummaged through it for the bottle of pain pills. She dumped some more in her hand and popped them in her mouth. Steve handed her another bottle of water and she nodded a thank you as she opened it and drank. She drank about half the bottle and set it down on the table. She shifted slowly and eased herself into Steve's chest.

Steve wrapped an arm loosely around her as she pulled her legs back up onto the couch. He shifted to make it easier for her to lay down. Steve hadn't noticed before, but Natasha was radiating heat. He laid a hand on her forehead, "Natasha, you're burning up."

"Yeah," She confirmed quietly, "I know. Hence the pills."

Steve sighed and laid his hand back down over her side. She buried her head deeper into his chest and tried to relax. They sat in comfortable silence. Steve listened to her breath and it wasn't long before she was asleep again. She would mumbled or moan in her sleep and Steve would quietly sooth her until she was quiet again. The flight was uneventful after that. Natasha slept curled up against him. She was still asleep when they landed.

"Natasha," Steve quietly woke her. "Hey, come on. We've landed."

"Ok," She slowly stretched and sat up. Steve stood up and started gathering his things.

"You feeling any better?" Steve watched her as she pulled her bag up over her shoulder. She did not answer, but threw a sharp glance his way. "I'll take that as a no.."

* * *

They exited the jet and found a car waiting for them. Steve helped Natasha into the back seat before he loaded their few bags into the trunk. They rode in silence back to the Tower in the middle of the city.

"I'm going straight to bed," Natasha informed him when they pulled into the garage. Steve's internal clock was so mixed up he wasn't even sure what time it was.

"I think you should." Steve responded.

They rode the elevator in silence after being greeted by Jarvis. Natasha leaned on the wall with her eyes closed and her arm around her stomach. Steve was about to offer to carry her to their room when the elevator doors opened to reveal Tony Stark, arms stretched out with a broad smile on his face.

"Welcome home, Mr. and Mrs. Spangles!" His face fell slightly when he took in the sight of Natasha. "Did you enjoy the honeymoon a little too much Red?"

Natasha just moved past him without a word. She moved with her usual grace, not the slow movements she had in the past 24 hours. She looked to Steve as though she had felt better, but he knew she didn't. Steve watched her go and when the door was closed behind her he turned to Stark.

"Listen, Cap, I know you are probably a little mad...but I think it's safe to say that it all turned out in the end?" He raised his eyebrows and smiled again. "You had fun didn't you?" He moved to pat Steve on the shoulder, "You dog you!"

Steve grabbed his hand and pulled it away from him. Steve's voice was calm and quiet, which is probably what unnerved Tony the most. Steve didn't try to hit him or yell at him, he just stated quietly, "Mr. Stark, I am not like you. We view life very differently. I am only going to say this once, so pay attention." Steve took a step closer, "You had no right to interfere like that, and if you do it again I will hurt you. You stay out of my business, and you stay out of Natasha's business. Do we understand one another?"

"Noted," Tony's one word response was enough for Steve.

"You have any hit's on Bucky?" Steve moved away from Tony towards the room Natasha had disappeared into.

"Not exactly.." Tony's response made Steve turn back around.

"What does that mean?" Steve asked.

"I didn't get any new hits on him, but I went back and review older footage to see if he popped up anywhere else to see if I could help the program narrow down where to start…" Tony paused.

"Well, what did you find?" Steve watched Tony.

"After he showed up at the museum, he popped up on a street view in Brooklyn, then disappeared again. A day later he showed up in a different part of the city." Tony shoved his hands in his pockets. "He just seemed to be moving around Brooklyn.

Steve's mind was racing. Did that mean that Bucky remembered? Or was he trying to figure things out, trying to remember? "So that's it? Nothing else?"

"No," Tony huffed. "You're little friend is starting to irritate me. I don't know how he has managed to stay hidden…"

"Thanks," Steve started moving again and he left Tony alone. He opened the door the suite Natasha had entered. He was quiet as he approached the bedroom. The curtains had been pulled closed and the lights were off. He laid down his bags by the door and quietly moved closer to check on her. She had crawled into bed without taking off her shoes. She had just climbed on top of the blankets and gone to sleep.

Steve gently pulled off her shoes and covered her with a blanket. He leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. He was happy that she didn't feel as warm as she had on the plane, hopefully the fever was gone. He backed out of the room quietly and closed the door behind him.

He was too hyped up now to go to sleep. The new information about Bucky was making his mind wander. He had spent very little time the last week thinking about Bucky. He had been too distracted with Natasha to think about it. It was always, there, in the background. Now it was front and center. He needed to do something so he decided to go to the gym.

Steve was so deep in thought that the barely missed running into Bruce as he exited the elevator.

"Oh, sorry," Bruce mumbled nearly dropping the papers in his hands.

"No," Steve apologized, "I'm sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going."

"That's quite alright." Bruce reassured him.

"I didn't realize you were staying here.." Steve left the sentence open hoping Bruce would fill in the blanks.

"Oh," Bruce began, "I've only been here a few days. Tony asked me to look at some things for him and I didn't have anything else going on...So, I decided to come play with all his toys…" Bruce raised an eyebrow waiting for Steve to reply. "You?"

"Oh," He smiled, "Mr. Stark is trying to help me...locate and old friend of mine."

"I was under the impression most of your old friends were dead.." Bruce felt a little callus after the words left his lips. "Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean…"

"Please," Steve raised his hand. "It's fine. To be honest, it's been a crazy few weeks..." Steve seemed lost in thought for a moment. "It's good to see familiar faces. I was going to head down to the gym, a lot going on in my head. You want to join me?"

"Oh," Bruce smiled sheepishly, "That's not really my thing…"

"Coffee then?" Steve's face seemed almost to plead for him to join him.

Bruce looked down at the file in his hand. He had a lot of things to go through, but it seemed that Steve needed someone to talk to. "Sure. I could use a break anyway."

They headed out into the city and found a dinner. Steve intended to just get coffee, but once he smelled the food he realized how hungry he was. He ordered quite a bit of food and dove into it. Bruce sipped his coffee while Steve explained the situation with Bucky between bites of food. He went over everything, starting with their boyhood friendship all the way through to Bucky appearing at the museum. Bruce interjected thoughts and questions here and there. The waitress cleared his many plates and refilled their coffees.

Bruce was contemplating the new information when Steve asked him a question. "Did you ever come across anything in your research about The Winter Soldier?"

"No," Bruce set down his mug of coffee and crossed his arms. "I didn't even know there was any Russian program, they kept it pretty tight apparently." Bruce thought to himself that he wishes he had heard of their research, then he might have had better results. "How are you doing with all this?"

"Oh," Steve sighed, "Well, I'm not too sure actually. It was a terrible shock the first time I saw him. Now...I just want to find him and help him. I don't know how much he remembers, or what they did to him. I went to Europe right after everything went down at S.H.I.E.L.D. but it was all just dead ends. All I now have is Mr. Stark's computer program and the file Natasha gave me."

"What exactly is going on with you and Natasha anyway?" Bruce took a sip of his coffee.

"What do you mean?" Steve tensed up.

"Oh, Tony said you two were an item.." Bruce let that hang in the air.

Steve sighed and his shoulders slumped, "Of course he did."

"I didn't mean to pry; he made it sound like you guys were official." Bruce replied.

Steve fiddled with the handle of his mug. He wasn't sure how to approach the subject. How would Natasha feel about this? Would it bother her? If Tony had already told Bruce, who else had be discussed it with? He sighed as he gave Bruce an answer. "It's very new to both of us, and we weren't planning on a lot of people knowing…"

"Then I wouldn't have told Stark!" Bruce chuckled.

"We didn't." Steve answered blankly.

"Ah," Bruce's face flashed understanding. "Well, then please don't feel like you need to explain anything."

"Thank you," Steve replied, then thought for a moment. "She hasn't been feeling well that last few days…"

"Everything alright?" Bruce leaned forward.

"Well," Steve cleared his throat and blushed. "I'm not sure how to discuss this...without being indelicate."

Bruce studied his face, "Can you give me the symptoms?"

Steve felt his face flush, "Um...they are related to feminine health…"

"Um...ok?" Bruce tried to figure out what Steve was hinting at...then it hit him. "Are you telling me she's_ pregnant_?" He looked around the dinner, paranoid someone might have heard his sudden outburst.

"What?" Steve's face fell, "No, she isn't pregnant!"

"Oh, then….oh...you mean...ok I'm with you now." Bruce recovered from his sudden outburst. "Well, I mean that is all natural stuff. Is there anything to be concerned about?"

"Well, she tells me no, but she looks...unwell..." Steve answered. "I am really concerned about it."

"Well," Bruce leaned back in the booth. "I'm sure Natasha knows if there is something to be concerned about. I would trust her."

Steve mulled over his words. "You're right." He ran his hand over his face. He was suddenly very tired. "Please do not mention any of this to anyone, especially Natasha."

"No worries," Bruce smiled. "I doubt even Captain America could survive that."

"Thank you," Steve smirked. "Thank you for listening. I appreciate it."

"Sure," Bruce drained his cup. "Ready to head back?"

"Yes." Steve stood and made his way over to pay the bill. They returned to the tower and each went their separate ways.

Steve entered the bedroom quietly. He made his way to the bathroom and got ready for bed. Natasha hadn't moved since he'd left her. He tried not to disturb her as he got in bed and made himself comfortable. She shifted in her sleep and curled up next to him. Steve drifted off to sleep quickly.

* * *

He dreamed about Bucky. He wandered through childhood memories, but they changed. Bucky had a metal arm, even as a child. Steve awoke, not really feeling rested. He rolled over expecting to find Natasha at his side but her side of the bed was cold.

"Natasha?" He called. When he got no response he pulled himself from the bed and checked the bathroom. She was not there either. He found his cell phone and called her. He sighed when he heard her phone ringing on the night stand. He tossed his phone on the bed and pulled the curtains open. The sun was up, but not high in the sky. Steve showered and dressed quickly and headed to the elevator.

"Good morning, Steve." Jarvis' voice was cool as ever.

"Good morning," Steve almost kicked himself for not thinking of asking Jarvis. "Jarvis, can you tell me where Natasha is?"

"Certainly, Ms. Romanoff is in the recreational room."

"Really?" Steve was surprised. He hoped if she was there, then maybe she was feeling better.

"Yes, sir." J.A.R.V.I.S replied.

"Thank you." Steve replied.

Natasha spun around and kicked the hanging bag. The kick landed solidly. She had woken early in the morning, finally feeling close to normal. She had been so frustrated with her body that she wanted to work it to its limits. She felt rather than heard Steve approach.

"Natasha, what are you doing?" His voice carried a tone of concern.

"I thought it would be fairly obvious." She didn't even turn away from the bag.

"Natasha," Steve's hand snaked around her stomach and turned her to face him.

Her breath was heavy and she was covered in sweat. She looked up at Steve, "What?"

"Are you ok? How are you feeling?" Steve studied her face intently.

"I am fine." She pulled herself away from him and made her way to the bench where her water bottle was sitting.

"I'm just worried about you." Steve's voice called towards her. "If you don't want to talk about it that's fine, but don't shrug me off. Please. I just want to know if you are ok."

She sighed, "You're right." She took a gulp of water and turned to face him. "I don't want to talk about it." Steve couldn't cover the flash of hurt across his face. Natasha kept her answers short. She didn't want to discuss the matter. She didn't want to dwell on it. "You want to spar?" She placed her bottle back on the bench.

"That's it?" Steve almost barked.

"That's what?" Natasha asked.

"You look like you are going to drop dead for two days and now you want to spar?" Steve looked at her blankly.

"Look Steve," Natasha placed her hands on her hips. "I told you not to worry about it. It happens sometimes. I'm fine. I am feeling better. End of story." She walked slowly towards him, swinging her hips. "Now, do you want to spare?"

"I don't think that's a good idea," Steve replied.

"What? You afraid you'll lose to a woman?" Natasha teased.

"Not at all." Steve answered dryly. "I actually wanted to talk to you if you don't mind taking a break..." Steve watched her eyeing him. He could tell she was deciding whether he was just trying to get her to take a break or if he actually wanted to talk. "Please, it's about Bucky."

"Did Stark get a hit?" Her voice was now void of any irritation.

"Not exactly," He sighed.

"Well," She lead him by the hand to the bench and took a seat. "Tell me what it is exactly."

Steve quickly explained what Stark had found. " He took another breath. "Stark still can't find him, he has disappeared, but going to the museum, coming to Brooklyn…"

"I get it Steve," Natasha's voice was soft. She placed one hand on the back of his neck and the other snaked its way into his hand. "That's a good start, but you don't know anything about his mental state…"

Steve shrugged her off and stood. "I know that!" His words were sharper than he intended.

"Steve," Natasha stood to meet him. "I didn't mean it wasn't a good sign. We just don't know what it means. I just don't want you to get your hopes up."

Steve wanted to be angry with her. She seemed to crush his excitement with only a few words, but he knew she was right. He felt her arms wrap around his chest and he let himself slump into her. She pulled him back down to the bench and held him tightly. "I want you to find him," She whispered. "I want it all to work out for you, but even with all these indications that there is some part of your friend left...He almost killed you. No matter how much of him is still in there somewhere, he is dangerous. He is a highly skilled and trained killer. You need to be prepared."

They sat in silence. Natasha laid her head against his back and Steve clutched her hands around his chest. "I know you're right." His words were quiet. "I should be smarter about this, but I am a little clouded because it's Bucky."

"I know," Natasha hugged him tighter.

"I feel like I am doing nothing." He shrugged, "After S.H.I.E.L.D fell, I thought finding him would happen quickly. Now, all I have is a computer program looking through security footage, which, now that I think about it is probably illegal. How on earth could Stark have access to that many security cameras…" He sighed. It didn't matter. "Bucky is out there, alive."

Steve was suddenly hit with a thought. Peggy's box, it was filled with letters and files. Steve had not been able to bring himself to look through the contents yet and he had left them in his apartment back in D.C. Steve had no idea why that had popped into his head now. He turned to face Natasha, "Do you want to go back to D.C. with me?"

"I thought you wanted to stay here in New York?" She studied his face.

"I did, but I just thought of something." He shifted his weight and leaned closer to her. "The day after Peggy's funeral, Sharon came by the hotel room. You remember?" Steve continued when Natasha nodded, "She brought me a box from Peggy. It had letters, I think a couple journals, and some file folders. I haven't looked through it yet, but Peggy was an active agent during the time Bucky was under Russian control. There might be something we can use to find Bucky."

"That's not much to go on Steve," Natasha sighed, "But it seems our only other option is to stick around here and wait for Stark's program to find us something."

"So you'll go back with me?" Steve watched her face.

"I would much rather go back to D.C. with you than stay here." She smiled at Steve's smile. "It will be nice to go back to being just you and me." She leaned closer to Steve and kissed his lips.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It took them a couple days to get situated before they let Tony, Bruce, and Pepper behind and headed back to D.C. It was late in the evening when they arrived back at Steve's apartment.

Natasha had made herself comfortable on Steve's couch as she watched him go through his pile of mail seated at the kitchen table. She was sleepy, but she didn't want to sleep, not yet anyway. She was finally feeling better, back to her old self. She had told Steve she would visit Dr Fine if she wasn't feeling better by the time they got back to New York. She knew Steve had been concerned about her, she had been concerned about herself if she was really being honest. She hadn't told Steve how worried she had been, but was relieved now everything was back to normal. She knew she had been harsh with Steve regarding his concerns, but she just credited it up to hormones. Thankfully everything turned out ok and she hadn't needed to see a doctor.

She hated that aspect of her life. It was a constant reminder of what was taken away from her by the Red Room. What had been done to her was something she would like to forget, but knew she never would. To have Steve voice such concern for her regarding something she kept very private had struck a nerve with her. Except for Dr Fine, Director Fury, and Clint there was no one at S.H.I.E.L.D that knew about the horrors she had experienced at the hands of the Red Room. She wanted to be honest and open with Steve, but she also wanted to forget what happened. She knew what the details would do to Steve anyway. He would be sick, he would be angry, and he would have a hard time dealing with it. She didn't see a reason to cause him that heartache, especially when all he wanted to do was find Bucky. She pushed down the memories and focused on the present.

She looked up to see Steve staring right at her from the kitchen. "What?" She hadn't even realized he was talking to her.

"I asked if you are hungry?" Steve watched her now standing at the counter.

"Oh," She stretched her body and pulled herself off the couch. "Now that you mention it, I do want something." She walked into the kitchen and stood beside him.

"Well, we have lots to choose from." He laid out this take out menus on the kitchen counter for her to see the options. "What are you in the mood for?"

He turned to face Natasha, but was caught off guard when her mouth found his. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his body closer to hers.

Steve pulled himself away slightly, "Are you sure you're feeling better?"

"Steve," Natasha's voice was soft and sultry. "I told you it's over and done with, but if you're not in the mood…."

He quickly pulled his arms around her back and pressed his body into hers. "Oh, I didn't say that." He placed a firm kiss on her lips and guided them back into his bedroom.

They both slept soundly that night. No nightmares haunted their dreams. The next morning Steve awoke slowly, blinking to adjust to the bright light that was streaming in through the open curtains. He had not intended on sleeping so late but Natasha was draped across his chest, sleeping soundly. He didn't want to disturb her and was content to stay in his current position until she woke. He stared at the ceiling, thinking. Life had changed for him dramatically over the last few months. Even before S.H.I.E.L.D. fell, Steve had felt like he was just floating. After the battle of New York, Fury had partnered him with Natasha. They had done several successful missions, but he still wasn't comfortable with his day to day life. After waking up from the ice and realizing the world had changed, his adjustment had been slow. He understood that Peggy was not his anymore, that all his friends were gone. He was devastated. He had no one to rely on, or even call his friend. After what he went through with S.H.I.E.L.D., what he and Natasha went through together, they had formed a bond. It was more than a friendship; Steve could only describe it as intimate.

Now that they were together he felt a little more grounded. Even though there wasn't really a label on their relationship, it was more than he had ever had before. He had something to base his decisions and actions on. He was building up his life. Steve understood, better than most, that life can be fleeting and he was happy to have each day. With Natasha, his days were happier. He still thought about Peggy and Bucky, but the spaces in between were now more bearable.

Steve looked to Natasha as she stirred against him. She stretched and slowly opened her eyes. "Good morning."

"Morning," Her voice was quiet and scratchy.

"How did you sleep?" Steve's hand stroked her vibrant locks.

"Pretty good." She smiled, "I enjoy sleeping in your bed." She voice was lined ever so slightly with mischief. She began trailing kisses on his chest and her lips found his.

Steve kissed her back, his kisses gentle. Natasha leaned back and crossed her arms over his chest, resting her chin on her arms.

"You hungry?" Steve asked.

"I feel like I haven't eaten in days," Natasha teased.

"Well," Steve frowned, "Unless you want something canned, we have to go out for breakfast." Natasha smiled and turned to gaze out the window. "What are you thinking about?" Steve's voice was quiet.

Natasha continued to gaze out of the window. "Change."

"What do you mean?" Steve played with her hair.

"Everything." Natasha turned to him. "It has all changed." She licked her lips and cleared her throat. "Everything is different... S.H.I.E.L.D. is gone. Earth is more vulnerable, and that's on us. Everything I've done….who I am...It's all out there for anyone to see….I'm not invisible anymore."

"You're safe if that's what you're worried about?" Steve interrupted.

"No, I can't take care of myself." Natasha replied almost defensively.

"I know you can."

She smirked, "Then there's you."

"What about me?" Steve smiled back.

"Well," Natasha sighed. "There's the obvious." Steve smiled back at her as she raised an eyebrow. "Then there's the not so obvious." Her features softened. "You're a good man Steve Rogers."

Steve waited for her to say more, but she didn't. She just studied his face. Steve chuckled, "Is that all you have to say?"

"For now," She smiled softly. "Now, get out of bed and get me some food."

"Yes ma'am."

* * *

After breakfast they returned to Steve's apartment to begin going through the files and letters that Peggy left for Steve. Natasha watched Steve as he gently pulled the box from the shelf and set it on the coffee table in front of him. His face was soft, but the muscles in his back were tight. He slowly removed the top of the box and set it aside. A small smile spread across his face. Natasha could smell the perfume from her seat next to him on the couch.

He pulled out a letter that was on top and held it in his hands, lost in thought. Natasha ran her hand along his back gently pulling him back. He turned to face her, his eyes shining. "You ok Steve? Are you ok to do this?" Natasha watched him.

"Yeah," He replied quietly.

"Ok," She kissed him on the cheek and smiled.

She sat with him as he read through page after page. They spent hours like that. Steve would read and some things he would share with Natasha, some things he would keep to himself. He was all over the place emotionally, some things would make him smile or chuckle softly, other things would bring fresh tears to his eyes.

Natasha was startled out of her thoughts when Steve suddenly put down whatever it was he was reading and pulled himself off the couch.

"Steve," Natasha pulled herself upright, "You alright?"

"No," Steve replied and headed for the door. "I'm gonna take a ride."

"Well," Natasha followed him. "You want me to come with you?"

Steve stopped at the door and turned to face her abruptly, almost making her bump into him. "I want you to stay here, if that's ok with you?" His words were soft and shaking.

"Yeah," Natasha studied his face, "If that's what you want?"

Steve pulled her face to his and kissed her. His eyes were clenched shut and he pulled her closer to him. Natasha melted into him. Her hands found their way into his hair and his hands moved to her back.

Steve pulled away abruptly and moved back. "I'll be back." Then he was gone.

Natasha stood there, breathless from his passionate kiss. She stared at the closed door. Her eyes moved from the door to the pile of papers and letters on the table. Her mind was curious what Steve had read that made him leave so suddenly. She didn't want to pry into something left to him from Peggy that he hadn't given to her to read. She forced her curiosity down and left the living room. She felt a little lost standing in the middle of Steve's apartment. Steve was a grown man, but he was obviously having some problems dealing with everything. Should she have followed him? No. She decided to to what he asked, and wait.

Hours later Natasha closed the book she was flipping through when she heard the familiar sound of Steve's motorcycle pulling up to the building. The sun had set and the street lamps were on, casting a light through the living room window. Natasha didn't rise from her reclined position on the couch, she just waited for Steve to come up.

Steve opened the door and shrugged off his jacket. He hung it up and dropped his keys and wallet on the table by the door. Natasha watched him as he moved towards her.

"You alright?" She pulled herself up on her elbows.

Steve didn't answer. He smiled as he leaned down and kissed her passionately. Natasha smiled into the kiss and returned the gesture. Steve moved to hover over her on the couch. His hands began roaming and Natasha dropped the book in her hands and pulled him closer to her. His kisses moved down to her neck and she said breathlessly, "Not that I'm complaining, but are you sure you want to do this now?"

Steve didn't stop showering her with kisses and his hands became bolder in touch, drawing a gasps from Natasha's lips. "Steve," She forced him to look at her. "Are you doing this because of the letters?"

"No," Steve's face flushed, "Well, yes, but not in the way that you think." He sighed. "Peggy is gone, but I have you. I have been given so many things, but denied just as much. Today, I have you." He smiled. "Today I have you, and I want you. I'm not the most confident with women, but I am when I am with you. I am so lucky to have you, and I want you." Steve flashed a side smile that was infectious. Natasha felt her mouth curl up.

"Well," She sighed, "Then I guess today is your lucky day." Natasha crushed his mouth with hers. Natasha had never felt this way before. She had always had men lust after her, but to feel desired for more than just her body, was entirely new. Steve made her feel wanted. Steve did not return to the letters that night. He ignored them and carried Natasha back to the bedroom.

* * *

Steve ignored the letters the next day as well. He had requested Natasha pose for him and she didn't refuse him. He had spent the day lazily sketching her perfect form. Watching Steve sketch was fascinating to her. The way he was able to express a form with sometimes only a few simple lines was amazing.

"Could you draw before the serum?" Natasha asked from his bed.

"Yes," He replied simply. "I only ever doodled on my papers in school when I was younger, but when I was a little older I started sketching landscapes, or parts of the city." His eyes danced between her body and the sketch book in his lap.

Natasha smiled, "I wish I could see those."

Steve chuckled, "It's so strange, those things were important to me once, but they are long gone now." He placed his pencil on the desk next to him and closed the sketchbook. "I haven't thought about them in a long time. I have a box full of sketchbooks in the closet, but they are all from after…"

The thought that those once precious things were gone made Natasha sad. "Can I see?" Steve's eyes softened, but he didn't answer right away. "You don't have to," Natasha began.

"No," Steve pulled himself from the chair, "It's ok." He moved to the closet and pulled a cardboard box down from the top shelf. He returned to the bedroom and dropped the box on the floor. Natasha wrapped a sheet around her naked body and joined him on the floor.

Steve pulled one from the box and handed it to her. She opened the book and flipped through the pages. It was mostly faces, some she recognized as S.H.I.E.L.D agents who were assigned to Steve after he had thawed out. They were very accurate.

She moved to another, this one had pages filled with images of Bucky and other Howling Commandos. There were images of a train, and extended hands, almost like they were falling. "Steve," Natasha looked up, "Is this from.." She almost couldn't find the words.

"I see his death over and over.." Steve's voice was quiet. His eyes were shining. "I still dream about it now." He cleared his throat. "The doctor they had me talk to after I woke up said it was for therapeutic purposes. That it would help me adjust…" He sighed. "I drew everything. He had me draw people from my past, and things I remembered...After I drew this over and over he made me talk about it." Steve shrugged. "That's when I realized these were more for them than for me. They were studying everything I drew. They were studying me." Steve ran a hand through his hair.

"That sounds like S.H.I.E.L.D." Natasha closed the book. She took Steve's hand. "I know that most people see you as a miracle. The super solider who slept in the ice for 70 years and woke up." She licked her lips. "You lived through one of the worst conflicts in history, you experienced it first-hand…" She made him look at her. "You never had a chance to really deal with that, with the war. You're a person, and you've just pushed it down this entire time."

"That's what I had to do." Steve shrugged. "Some many others dealt with it after the war. I should be able to deal with it too."

"You don't have to do it alone," She pushed. "I know what it's like. Living with dark and awful things."

Steve looked at her with sad eyes, "I know you have a past…" He hesitated, "And I meant it when I said it didn't matter to me." He licked his lips, "Can you tell me one thing...one thing about you...that nobody else knows?"

"Why?" Natasha asked quietly.

"I guess I just," Steve rubbed his thumb over her soft hand, "want to know a side of you that no one else does. Something just for me. To be closer to you..." Steve stopped, "Is that stupid? Is it selfish?"

Natasha thought for a moment "Well, I have lots of secrets...but no one has ever asked me to share them because they wanted to know me better. They were usually torturing me for them…"

Steve stiffened, "Forget I asked." Steve waved it off.

Natasha leaned towards him and placed her hand on his face. He looked into her eyes. She spoke quietly. "My mother used to sing to me." Steve didn't say anything, he just waited for her to speak. "I only have glimpses of her." She continued, "just bits and pieces. I don't remember her face, but she would sing to me sometimes. When I was younger, it was one thing I was holding onto when I was being trained.." She felt her eyes begin to sting. "I held onto it for a long time. Eventually I let go of her, but...I remembered."

Steve pulled her hand from his face and kissed her palm.

"Her voice was gentle." She smiled. She didn't let the tears fall, she closed that off and looked up at Steve. "So…" Her voice trailed off.

Steve moved closer to her and pulled her into his chest. He held her tightly, Natasha resisted at first. He was warm and firm, but the way he held her so tightly; their bodies so close, she let herself easy into him. She wrapped her arms around his neck his head moved to rest in the crook of her neck. His hands rested on her back, clutching her to him. Natasha felt warmth all over her body. It had nothing to do with the fact that she was naked beneath the sheet wrapped loosely around her body. It was a warmth of love spread from within her. Steve was holding her, she was holding him. This was a moment she would remember for the rest of her life.

She let him in. She had still resisted all of him up until that point. That someone so pure as Steve would love someone with a shaded past like her. She wanted to be open with him, no matter what. She wanted him to trust her more than he already did. She wanted him to care for her more than he already did. She wanted him to know her better than he already did. She wanted to show him more love, support, and caring. They stayed that way for a while. It was not awkward but seemed so natural.

Natasha felt him pull away slightly. She let her arms loosen around him. "Show me my sketches." Her voice was soft.

Steve smiled and shrugged. "Vanity is not becoming you know." He teased.

She swatted at him, "You can be a real jerk Rogers!"

He chuckled and pulled himself up and moved across the room to grab his sketchbook. He sighed as he handed it to her. "I hope you like them." He sat on the edge of the bed and watched as Natasha opened the cover.

Natasha gasped as she looked through the pages. Steve was so talented. She bit her lip as she tried to cover up the smile she could feel creeping in. She glanced up at Steve and noticed his ears were red as she opened to a page that depicted her naked body.

Natasha raised an eyebrow as she laid the sketchbook down. She rose from her seated position on the floor. "Not, bad," She let the sheet fall away, "But I think you could improve."

"How can I do that exactly?" Steve asked.

"I feel you need more time with your subject." Natasha pulled Steve up from the bed.

"You do huh?" Steve stood taller than her and he leaned his head down, his nose hovering just above hers.

"Make love to me Steve," Natasha whispered. She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Yes Ma'am." Steve smiled and took her into his arms.

* * *

Steve had woken the next morning and left Natasha in bed. Even though she wouldn't admit it, he could tell she was tired. They had stayed up late going through more of his sketchbooks talking about the things that had happened during the war, what he had witnessed. She had listened mostly, but she had also shared more things with him. Steve felt them growing closer.

He dreamed that night. He saw Bucky fall from the train and woke with a start. He hadn't woken Natasha and was grateful. He quietly pulled himself from bed and went into the living room closing the bedroom door behind him.

He shook off the image of his best friend falling away from him and eyed the clock, barely 5:00am. He forced himself to keep going though Peggy's things.

It was 7:00am when he heard the bedroom door creak open. "Steve?" Natasha called.

"In here," He replied, listening as her feet shuffled along the hardwood.

He looked up at her when she entered the room. Her hair was tussled and he was wearing one of his t shirts. "You ok?" Her voice scratchy.

"Yeah," He put down the paper in his hand and pulled her to sit down next to him on the couch. "I need your help."

"Ok," She yawned.

"I need someone else to go through these with me." Steve began. "I need someone not connected. I am too emotionally invested and I am not making process like I want to."

Natasha nodded, "Ok, I can do that." She placed her hand on his face. "You ok?"

"Yeah," Steve nodded.

"You sleep ok?" Natasha studied him.

Steve was about to lie and say he did, but he could see the look in her eye. She could tell if he was lying. "I dreamed out Bucky." He answered quietly.

"Why didn't you wake me?" Natasha eased back into the couch.

"I.." Steve hesitated, "I thought you could use the sleep." He shrugged. "Sometimes not talking about it is better than talking about it." He placed a hand on her knee.

Natasha leaned towards the pile of scattered papers and files on the coffee table. "Let me take a look."

Natasha began rifling through the pages, making notes here and there. She made sure not to crinkle any of Peggy's personal letters to Steve. All the letters had started after Steve had been found in the ice. The handwriting was the same, but the pen had been shaking as it glided over the paper. She could tell by the way the thoughts wandered that the dementia had already set in.

The SSR files and early S.H.I.E.L.D files were one's Natasha had never read and Natasha was basically a walking databank of S.H.I.E.L.D. files. Something caught her eye, but it had nothing to do with Bucky. Natasha felt the hair's on the back of her neck stand on end when she read through. The girl they found in Russia, her training, the handcuffs on the beds. Natasha tried to shake off the feeling.

"What is it?" Steve looked at her from his place in the kitchen. He was pouring them coffee when he could tell that she had found something.

"Oh," Natasha shook her head and laid the file now. "It's nothing."

Steve handed her a mug, "Thanks."

"Let me take a look, maybe I can see something." Steve moved to pick up the file. He flipped it open and began scanning through it, "I don't recognize her, who is this Dottie Underwood?" Steve took a sip of the coffee and looked at Natasha.

"I don't know," Natasha shrugged. "I've never seen her before." Natasha sighed, "I've never seen any of these files before. I'm guessing Peggy kept her own personal files."

Natasha could see Steve's eyes moving across the words on the pages. She could see the confusion and then comprehension on his face. His jaw set in that all too familiar way. She looked up at him and she knew that he knew. Steve was smart, she could tell he had already figured out that the program Dottie had been a part of was the makings of the Red Room.

Steve closed the file and set it down on the table. Natasha looked away, not able to meet his gaze. She almost shrank away as he moved closer to her, but she didn't. He took her hands in his and gently inspected her wrists, his touch so gentle it almost hurt. Natasha had no scars, the skin was smooth. He knelt in front of her, she still didn't meet his eyes. He kissed the inside of each of her wrists and Natasha felt tears roll down her cheeks before she even realized they were there.

Steve wiped a tear away from her cheek and pulled her face to look at him, "I'm sorry." He whispered.

Natasha finally met his gaze, "I don't want to talk about it." She replied quietly.

Steve nodded and stood. She was grateful he didn't push her to talk about it or add more sympathetic comments. Steve left her alone in the living room. Natasha went back to looking through the files, but could hear Steve doing pushups in the bedroom. Probably his way of dealing with the idea of Natasha being handcuffed to her bed at night. She didn't feel like going into details with him, like how they made sure there were no scars. Scars were too noticeable. She had to be forgettable.

Natasha opened a file and began reading. It was the file on Howard Stark. The file was thick and it took her the better part of the day to organize the contents and began absorbing the information.

Her eyes caught a few words and she almost dropped the file. Her hands went icy, her breath caught. She didn't know why the contents had caught her so off guard. It all made sense, after what Zola had told them in the bunker. The Winter Soldier had killed Howard Stark. Tony's father. This would change things between Steve and Tony. There wasn't much information, and Peggy's notes weren't very detailed. They were more hints than actual theory. She speculated that the car accident had not be an accident, but on the top right corner of the coroner's report, was scribbled "_Russian assassin?"_

It was the first sign of it she had come across. She heard Steve shuffling in the bedroom and quickly closed the file. She wasn't sure if she should tell him yet. She knew Steve was a grown man and he could handle a lot, but she didn't want to bring him just a tiny sliver of information. Especially when that sliver of information was that his best friend had killed the father to the man who was trying to help Steve find said friend.

"Find anything?" Steve called as he exited the bedroom.

"Oh," She stretched "Nothing of use yet." It wasn't a lie, technically. She hadn't found anything that would help them find Bucky.

"You want to take a break?" Steve offered. "Go grab a bite to eat?"

"Only if you take a shower." Natasha teased. "You stink."

Steve chuckled, his shirt was clinging to his form drenched in sweat. "Care to join me?"

"Nope," Natasha shook her head.

"Suit yourself." Steve called over his shoulder as he made his way back down the hallway.

"Save me some hot water!" Natasha called.

"No promises!" He teased.

She glanced back down at the file and moved it down to the bottom of the stack. She would wait until she had more information, then she would share what she found.

* * *

They had a late lunch and then Natasha slipped away to do some shopping while Steve went to meet up with Sam. Steve had mentioned wanting to check in with him the night before and Natasha thought it was a good idea. Steve needed other people to help support him. He had been on his own too long. Natasha had used the opportunity to pick out some lingerie. She wanted something no one else had ever seen her wear. Anything she already owned carried the memories of who and when.

She wanted something special for Steve. She smiled to herself as she rode the same escalator that she and Steve had kissed for the first time. It seemed so long ago. It was such a different kiss from what they shared the night before.

She glanced up and saw the little boy in front of her staring up at her. He was probably 7 or 8. Too cool to hold his mother's hand, who was chattering on her phone not paying much attention to those around her. He was staring at her. Natasha raised an eyebrow which drew a gasp from him.

They excited the escalator and the mother pulled the boy along with her when he didn't immediately follow her. Natasha shrugged it off and made her way to the exit. Kids stare sometimes.

"Excuse me!" It was the little boy's mother calling out to Natasha.

Natasha stopped and turned, eying the area around her. "Yes?"

"I'm sorry to bother you, but my son is insisting you are some kind of superhero. Says he saw you on TV..." the mother sounded annoyed. "He thinks he can be a superhero and if you're one you can tell him how. I told him that is ridiculous, but he will not leave it alone, so can you please tell him you're not?"

Natasha felt her face set. "Why is it ridiculous?"

The woman was caught off guard. "Oh, I only meant that...well...uh…" Her face was flushing now. "I mean you don't see Captain America or Iron Man shopping at the mall do you?"

Natasha chuckled, which the mother mistook as agreement. Natasha leaned down to come face to face with the little boy. She whispered, "Don't let your mother tell you anything different. I know Captain America and Iron Man, and _anyone _can be a superhero."

"I knew it!" The boy whispered back. Natasha smiled back and him. The boy took off running and spinning around, fighting off some unseen enemy.

"What did you tell him?" The mother gasped.

"The truth." Natasha smirked and turned away. She could hear the mother gripping at the boy to stop jumping off the benches. Natasha smiled and headed back to the apartment.

Steve was not home when she returned. It was late before he sent her a text saying he was sorry he didn't call but that he was headed home. She was not annoyed. She had crawled into bed and turned out the lights. It was about an hour later when she heard the lock turn in the door. She heard him move closer to the bedroom and he opened the bedroom door quietly to see if she was asleep.

"I'm awake," She called, her voice muffled in the pillow.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." He apologized before entering the room.

"You didn't," She pulled herself up and reached to turn on the light.

"You can leave it off." Steve sat on the edge of the bed and removed his shoes and jeans. He pulled off his shirt and crawled under the sheets next to Natasha.

"How's Sam?" Natasha asked as she eased back against her pillow.

"He's good." Steve raised his arm behind his head and stared at the dark ceiling.

"Are you?" Natasha's voice was soft.

"Yeah," Steve rubbed his other hand over his face. "I stayed for a group session. It was...intense." His voice trailed off.

"You want to talk about it?" Natasha asked.

"Not right now." Steve sighed. Natasha moved to lay her head against his chest and closed her eyes. She felt Steve kiss the top of her head and laid one hand to rest on her back.

They stayed silent for a while, awake. Steve's words broke the silence, "Have I told you I am lucky to have you today? It may not seem it, but I'm better with you." Natasha felt her cheeks flush. "I cherish you, Natasha."

"Must have been one hell of a therapy session." Uncomfortable with the genuine emotion, she made a joke.

Steve just sighed. He shifted and wrapped his arms around her and held her closer. She eased herself into his embrace and was thankful he couldn't see her face in the dark. She felt her eyes sting with tears. It wasn't long before she felt him relax and his breathing turned deeper. Sleep had ended the conversation for her. She took a deep breath and let herself join him.

* * *

_Someone was holding her down. She couldn't breathe. There was something heavy on her chest. She couldn't see, everything was dark. She tried to cry out but she had no voice. She kicked and punched and fought with all her might._

Then she was suddenly awake, cold water was rushing over her face. "Natasha," Steve's firm voice was floating above her. "Wake up."

"I'm awake." She cried and pulled away from the intrusive stream of cold water. Natasha took in her surroundings. She was in Steve's shower. She felt him release her and she tried to catch her breath as Steve turned off the water.

He slumped to the floor, his breathing heavy. Natasha's hands were shaking and she realized she was holding something. It was a knife. She gasped as she dropped it and tried to shy away from it. "Steve, what...what did I do?" her voice was broken and jagged.

When he didn't answer she climbed out of the tub and grasped for him in the dark. He cried out when her hands found his body.

"No!" Natasha cried. "I hurt you…" She felt a sob wrack her body. She could feel warm blood seeming through her fingers. She couldn't control the sobs, she didn't know what to do. She was lost for the first time in a long time. She knew she should see how badly Steve was hurt, but she couldn't get her body to work, unable to move.

"I'm ok," Steve's voice broke through the fog. "It's not that bad," his words were breathless. "Natasha, please, I'm ok."

She felt him pull her closer to him. She sobbed against his chest, "I'm sorry." That was all she could say. She mumbled it over and over. Steve just held her tightly to him and eventually she calmed down enough to clear the cobwebs from her brain.

She collected her breathing and she pulled away from Steve. "Let me see," She pushed away from him to flip the light switch. She blinked against the light and gasped when she saw Steve. As much blood as there was on the floor she would have thought she had killed him. She knelt down as he straightened himself against the wall.

"Natasha," He held up one hand, "Please, really, it's not that bad. You just surprised me, that's all."

There was a shallow gash across his chest. He had a deeper wound on one of his forearms. Blood was dripping down his fingers and elbow. The blood had been smeared everywhere. She looked down at her own tank top and shorts to see they were soaked through. Her hands were covered.

"I'm sorry," She whispered again. She grabbed a washcloth from the counter and ran it under the faucet. She wrung out the hot water and crouched next to Steve. Her hands were still trembling slightly as she pressed it against the more severe wound on his arm.

He sucked in a sharp breath. He grabbed her hand with his uninjured hand. "Natasha," She refused to look at him. "Natasha, please." She just closed her eyes. "Natasha," His voice was hushed now. "It wasn't your fault."

She snapped up to meet his gaze. She wanted to yell at him, she wanted to shout. How was it not her fault? She was a trained killer. He was sleeping next to a trained killer, this was all in her programing. She wanted to run from it all. Forget it had all happened, all the good with the bad. She was good at running. She wanted to shout all this at him, but when she saw the concern and care in his eyes, she couldn't.

He moved his hand to her cheek, "I'm ok." All the hurt and anger and shame melted away. She pressed his hand against her cheek with her shoulder.

"I could have killed you," Her words were softer. "I could have…."

"I know," He replied, "But you didn't." He forced her to look at him again. "Are you ok?"

She couldn't control the slight giggled that escaped her lips. "I attached you with a knife and you ask me if I'm ok?" She stared at him.

"You were having a nightmare. I tried to wake you up…" He trailed off and she followed his gaze as it fell on the knife laying in the bathtub. "You want to talk about it?"

"Someone was trying to kill me." She didn't take her eyes off the knife. "That's it."

"I'm sorry," He groaned as he tried to pull himself up. She helped him to his feet. "I had to put you in the shower; it was the only thing I could think of that might wake you up. It worked."

She looked at their reflection in the mirror. Bloody and soaked, they looked pathetic. She sat him down on the side of the tub and washed out the washcloth. They were silent as she cleaned him up. She had no stitches to close the gash on his arm, but found some butterfly bandages in his first aid kit. She did her best to close the wound and then wrapped it with a rolled bandage. The slash across his chest had already stopped bleeding. The serum running through his veins was already working to repair the damage she had caused.

Steve caught her hand, "Hey," his voice was soft but firm. "Don't run from this."

She just looked at him, not sure what to say. "Steve, I'm not sure I can do this."

"No," He shook his head, "Don't do that. Don't let this scare you away from us..whatever this is…" He rested his head against her stomach. "I can't lose you." He held her tightly. She felt fresh tears against her cheek and she laid a gentle hand on his head. "Please Natasha, stay."

She knew something like this would happen. She should have listened to her instincts. She should never had let herself get emotionally entangled with Steve. She knew she would end up hurting him, but she had been selfish. She had been selfish, and now she had made a mess of things. She cared for Steve, even more deeply than when all this started. How could she stay? How could she leave?

Steve clutched her tighter. "I need you...Please."

Natasha hesitantly wrapped her arms around Steve. She tried to control the tears, "I'm sorry.."

"No," Steve interrupted her, his face flashing up to meet her gaze. "Please you can't."

"I'm sorry I hurt you," Natasha whispered. "Do you forgive me?"

Steve's face faltered, "Natasha there is nothing to forgive." He watched her, "Please don't give up on this."

It was a moment before she spoke "I'll stay." Steve stood and crushed her against him. "I need you too," Natasha quietly added.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Any physical signs of the altercation were gone in a few days. Steve's skin was smooth and fresh. The blood has been cleaned away but Natasha was still carrying it. She tried to wipe it from her mind every time she closed her eyes to go to sleep, but all she could see was red. She couldn't hide it from Steve.

He would see it when she flinched slightly at his touch. She was an expert at pretending to be asleep, but Steve could tell the difference now. He could see the dark circles forming under her eyes, but he didn't say anything about it. He didn't want to push her. It was a big step, the fact that she hadn't run from this. He kept his distance when she needed him to, and he was there when she reached out for him.

She asked him to leave her alone for a few hours so she could continue looking through Peggy's files and papers. Steve obliged and went to meet up with Sam. He discussed what happened with Sam, asking for advice on helping Natasha.

"I don't want to lose her," Steve's voice was low and he played with the edge of his half empty coffee cup.

"You might not have that option man," Sam replied. "I don't know her very well, but I know she is an independent woman who makes up her own mind, spy or no spy."

Steve let a half smile flash. "_That,_ my friend, is very true."

"Look," Sam placed his cup on the table and leaned closer. "It is so cliché to say this, but if it is meant to be, it will work out. She knows how you feel, you just have to let her have her space and figure it out for herself."

Steve sighed, "You're right."

"I am," Sam smiled back. "Now, get back home to her. I've got to get back to work. I can meet up again for a run later if you want?"

"Maybe," Steve stood and shook his hand. "Thanks."

Steve rode his bike for a bit of fresh air. The weather was turning colder and he zipped up his leather jacket. He pulled the bike into his parking spot and headed up the stairs to his apartment.

He could hear soft music coming from within as he approached the door. The last time he heard music coming from his apartment it hadn't worked out so well. He slowly turned the key in the lock and opened the door.

"Natasha!" He called in the dim light. There were burning candles everywhere, creating a soft glow.

"I'm here," Her voice carried from the bedroom. "I'll be right out."

Steve removed his jacket and dropped his things on the table by the door. He turned to see Natasha standing it he doorway, his jaw dropped.

"I'm glad you're back," She smiled. Steve eyed her from head to toe. She was barefoot, and dressed in a soft grey silk teddy. Her hair was down, straight and neatly draped over one shoulder.

"Natasha," Steve felt heat runs through his veins. "You look amazing." He didn't move closer to her yet. He was committing it all to memory. The soft glow of light against her skin, the smell of her perfume in the air, the soft music playing.

Natasha slowly moved closer and stood right in front of him. She looped her hands around his waist and spoke. "I know that I am not the easiest person to be around, let alone to be romantically involved with…"

"Natasha," Steve began.

"Let me finish." She smiled softly. "I know it's hard to interpret what I am thinking or how I am feeling. I am still working on that myself, but.." She looked down, "I feel more complete when I am with you." She shrugged, "After what happened the other night, I thought I would have to leave this. You. I am a spy, there is no getting around that, but the thought of losing you scared me. The thought of leaving, even though it makes sense, I just can't do it." Steve sighed and hugged her tightly. Natasha spoke quietly into his chest, "I love you Steve."

Steve couldn't hide the broad smile across his face. "I love you Natasha." He pulled her face to his and kissed her. She moved her hands up his back and deepened the kiss.

They moved quickly back towards his bedroom, clothes dropped in various places along the way. His hands were exploring, his touch gentle. Natasha moaned against his mouth as she pushed him down on the bed.

She gasped his name as she took him in. Their bodies entangled, they found a rhythm. Steve clutched her body to his as ecstasy engulfed them.

"Will you say it again?" Steve's soft voice carried over the blood pumping in her ears.

"Say what?" She pulled her head up and watching him in the dim candlelight.

"Say that you love me." Steve smiled when he saw the smile cross her lips.

"Steven Roger," Natasha pressed kisses along his chest. She moved to press her chest against his, Steve's hands moving along her body. "I, Natasha Romanoff, love you."

"I love you Natasha," Steve smiled again and kissed her softly.

* * *

Natasha awoke the next morning slowly. She felt Steve's absence next to her before she opened her eyes. She stretched her stiff muscles and groaned. She smiled as her mind drifted back to the night before. She had finally been able to work through her emotions and thoughts and tell Steve how she felt. She sighed as she traced the trails along her arm, the memory of his touch still lingering.

"You're awake," Steve's voice startled her, not something that happened often.

She opened her eyes and found him seated in the chair across the room. "Steve," She smiled, pulling herself up. She stiffened when she took in his face, it was stern and he was holding something in his lap.

She knew instantly that it was the Howard Stark file. "Steve," She began.

"Did you know?" Steve's voice was calm and low.

"Steve...I...uh," Her words faltered.

"How long?" His voice was firmer now.

Natasha swallowed. "I found it a couple days ago, but I didn't tell you because I didn't know for sure. All I really found were a few words scribbled on a page." She pulled the sheet tighter and pulled herself closer to the edge of the bed. "Steve, we don't know what happened, it is all just theory right now."

"You and I both know what Zola said." Steve almost barked. "You were with me in the bunker. Bucky has to have been responsible for Howard and Maria Stark's death." He threw the folder on the bed. "Why did you keep it from me?"

"Steve," She tried to control her voice, "I didn't tell you because I was concerned that finding this out would change things between you and Tony. You are an honest person and I thought you would tell him right away. We need Stark to locate The Winter Soldier."

"Don't call him that!" Steve stood. "And, I'm not a child, I can handle this. You shouldn't have kept that from me."

"I was going to tell you once I had found some more information. That's all." Her voice was now cool and collected. "Your behavior has been erratic when it comes to your friend and I wanted to give you more information so you could make the most effective decision."

Steve's jaw set, "I thought you were done lying to me! You shouldn't have kept this from me."

"I didn't keep it from you with malicious intent." She spat back.

Steve's face faltered slightly. He had found the file when he accidently knocked over the pile and read through it, coming to the same conclusion Natasha had. He had been angry when we realized Natasha had found it hid the file at the bottom of the stack. The look on her face softened his anger. Steve closed his eyes and took a deep breath. She was right. She had only been looking out for him, because she cared.

"You're right," He opened his eyes, "I'm sorry. Natasha," He spoke softly kneeling in front of her reaching for her hand. She moved away from him, not allowing him to touch her. "Natasha, I said I was sorry."

"You will never fully trust me will you?" Her words and look of hurt were like a punch to the stomach.

"Natasha, I didn't mean…" Steve began.

"You thought I was done lying." She repeated his words. "So, what exactly did you mean?" Her eyes flashed.

"I spoke out of anger." Steve tried to make her understand. "I shouldn't have said that, and I do trust you."

"If you trusted me, then you would have understood why I kept this from you..." She seemed to shrink.

"I made a mistake." Steve threw his hands up. "I made a mistake."

Natasha's face hardened. "I wish it was that simple. That you could say words you mean after saying words you didn't."

"Don't do that; don't make this something it's not." Steve's words were harsher than he intended.

"Don't push this all back on me. You can't make this argument my fault. You said you trusted me, you don't!" She pushed away from him and pulled herself up from the bed and made her way to the bathroom.

"Natasha!" Steve shouted. "You can't just run away from a fight! We need to work this out!"

"Why do you insist on pointing out that I am running?" She spun around. "Just because I am removing myself from the situation so I don't lash out further doesn't mean I am running away. It means that I am trying not to hurt you!" She shouted at him. She didn't bother to listen to his response but turned back to enter the bathroom and slammed the door behind her.

"Natasha!" Steve's voice was softer and muffled through the door. "I'm sorry. Please open the door."

Natasha stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her instinct was to lash out at him, make him angry at her so it would be easier for him to push her away. Easier for her to leave, but she didn't.

She knew he could easily break the door down if he wanted to, but she knew he would respect her and leave her alone. He could be predictable based on his morals. She had placed a physical barrier between them and Steve knew not to cross it. "I'm sorry." He repeated softly. "I'm just going to leave you alone...if that's what you want."

"It is." She finally spoke trying to control the shaking in her voice. She waited until she heard the front door shut to allow the tears to fall. No matter what Steve had said before, she couldn't believe he would ever trust her. No matter what had happened when S.H.I.E.L.D fell, no matter what had happened between them since, a part of him still didn't trust her. Words held weight, and even if he spoke them in anger and haste without thinking, they had hurt her.

She was caught in a place she didn't know how to get out of. She felt trapped and she hated it. Steve was supposed to be different. He would never intentionally try to hurt her, but what he had said was affecting her more than she had expected. She truly had changed from who she was before. The woman she was 10 years earlier would never had allowed something as simple as a few harsh words to affect her. Natasha was a different person now, a more caring person. She had let herself care for Steve and she had allowed Steve to care for her. Was is good that she had changed so much? She no longer worked for S.H.I.E.L.D, she no longer answered to anyone but herself at the moment. Her first instinct was to crush anything within herself that made her weak, or unable to function in her performance as a spy. Now that it was no longer relevant, should she allow herself to change? Should she allow herself to change to be a better person towards Steve. To let Steve be a better person towards her. Should she allow this relationship with Steve to continue? Her life had always been about doing what someone instructed her to do. She was damn good at it, but for the first time in her life she was 100% in control of her choices. Should she allow herself happiness?

* * *

It was some hours later that Natasha heard the doorknob turn from back in the bedroom. She made no attempt to get up to greet him, but the hairs on her neck stood up when she realized that it wasn't Steve that had just entered the apartment. The steps were not the right stride and he didn't drop his keys by the door. She was up against the wall instantly.

She cursed herself for being distracted. The intruder was right outside the bedroom now and she had her knife but her guns were in the living room. There was a blur of black and Natasha struck. There was a cry but they recovered quickly. Natasha continued her attack trying to get past them to make her way out. Fits and kicks hit home and her knife struck flesh.

She couldn't see his face; he wore a mask and gloves. He was big and strong. He pulled the knife from his shoulder as if it didn't faze him. Natasha knew she was in trouble, she may have been fast and strong, but he was stronger. She cried out as pain exploded in her head, his fist had found her. He didn't let up, the attack was violent. She was on the ground before she could recover. He pinned her down and she struggled against him. His hands found their way around her neck. Her head struck the floor hard as his hands tightened. Natasha fought back, kicking, and scratching. She felt her fingernails dig into the flesh on his wrist, but nothing would deter him.

He leaned closer, but far enough away that she couldn't head butt him. "No time to play, just leaving a message for Cap." Natasha couldn't place his voice with her oxygen deprived mind. She knew him. Natasha felt the blackness taking her over. She felt her limbs grow heavy, she was dying. Her eyes flashed around the room, Steve's bedroom. A place filled with such love and tenderness, now the place where she would die. She felt hot tears running down to her neck. She fought until the end, but he had been too fast and strong. He had known her, and she knew him.

The last thing she saw before the light disappeared was a figure appearing behind the masked man, then nothingness overtook her.

Steve was distraught with himself. Natasha had finally opened up to him and he had been so stupid. He had made a big deal out of something so small in comparison. Why had he lashed out at her like that? The look of hurt on her face, he was sick over it.

He had spent hours walking aimlessly around the city. Just walking, he didn't even know where he was when he looked around. Later he found himself outside his building. He hoped that Natasha was still inside, that she hadn't left after his hurtful words. He had to believe that she was still there. He had to believe that she wouldn't leave while he was gone. He approached the door fumbling with his keys, when he saw the door was slightly ajar.

He listened for a moment before entering the apartment. No signs of a struggle, but the files were gone from the coffee table.

"Natasha!" He called. His stomach sank as he neared the bedroom. Chills ran up his spin when he caught sight of Natasha's legs on the floor.

He was by her side, "Natasha!" His cry ripped through his chest. Steve felt his mind go blank. He had been in worse situations over the course of the war, but to see Natasha like that, his body just stopped. He didn't know what to do. He felt himself go numb. He began screaming for help as he checked for a pulse. The rest if it was a blur. The paramedics arrived pulling Steve out of the way. His body was shaking, he couldn't stop it. She was alive, but just barely. Police arrived, but Steve left them in his apartment with a brief statement and rode with Natasha in the ambulance.

Steve tried to stop his hands from shaking. They wouldn't stop. His ears were ringing, and tears were streaming down his face. He shouldn't have left her. He could have protected her if he hadn't left. None of this would have happened if he hadn't been so petty. He knew there were people staring at him, but he didn't care. He just folded in on himself, and waited.

"Sir?" He was startled by a hand on his shoulder. Steve jolted out of his seat and came face to face with an older man with glasses. It was the doctor.

"How is she?" Steve's words were like gravel in his throat.

"Please," he extended his hand, "have a seat." Steve slowly lowered himself back into the plastic chair. The doctor took a seat next to him. "She is alive." Steve left a weight lift from his chest. "She is in intensive care, and I am sorry to say, but she is in a coma." The weight came crashing back.

"Is she going to be ok?" Steve whispered.

"It is hard to say. She is on life support, and we probably won't see much improvement anytime soon. I want to be clear; comas caused by oxygen deprivation are tricky. Generally cases like this there is a 50/50 chance. We don't really have an injury to treat just the damage it does to the body. She might get better, she might not. All we can do now is make her comfortable. She will have to do the rest. She has multiple bruises and lacerations; I can tell you that she fought her attacker hard. Let's pray she can fight that hard to wake up."

Steve wanted to explode. He wanted to kill whoever that did this. He wanted to cause them pain, he wanted them to suffering. Steve felt his entire body begin to shake with anger. He was on his feet before he knew it and his fist was through the wall.

It was the shock he needed. "I'm so sorry," His apology was immediate.

The doctor replied, "Captain Rogers, you're not the first person to do that, and you won't be the last." He eyed the gaping hole, "You might be the only one to punch through solid concrete though…"

"Can I see her?" Steve pleaded.

"We don't normally allow visitors.." He began.

Steve's head dropped. "Please, just let me see her. I won't cause any trouble. I'll pay for the damage." He indicated the wall, "But I have to see her."

The doctor sighed, "Alright, follow me."

"Thank you," Steve followed the man through the hospital.

They stopped outside a small room with a large sliding glass door. The lights were dim. "Please, just press the nurse call button if you need anything. I am here until tomorrow morning at 7:00."

"Thank you," Steve replied, "What's your name?"

"Richard Lincoln." He extended his hand to Steve and shook it. "For what it's worth, I am sorry that this happened."

"Thank you," Steve repeated.

He didn't go in right away. It almost felt like it wasn't real until he went in. The door slid easily and quietly. There were machines and wire everywhere. Her skin was ghostly white, and her hair seemed less vibrant. She was less vibrant. Steve knelt next to the bed and gently took her hand in his.

"I'm so sorry," He began to sob immediately. "I should have been there. I shouldn't have been so harsh with you." His words were soft and broken. "Please don't leave me. Please wake up." Natasha stayed still; the room was quietly filled with the buzz of machines. Steve stilled as he watched her chest rise and fall with the aid of machines. He gently kissed her hand again and rose from the floor.

He stepped outside the room and pulled his cell phone from his pocket. He flipped through his contacts and tapped on the name he needed. "Hey, it's me. I'll explain everything when you get here. I need you to meet me at the hospital right away. No, everything is not ok. It's Natasha." Steve felt his voice quiver. "I need your help."

* * *

She felt like she was floating, felt weightless. Sounds were muffled. It was like she was hearing, but her brain wasn't translating the sounds. What was happening? She couldn't place her surroundings. Natasha felt her eyes flutter open on their own. She blinked to clear them, allowing everything to come into focus.

She was in a hospital bed, her hands moved slowly and clumsily, something she was not used to. Her eyes fell on the man seated in the chair next to her. She didn't recognize him at first, but it was Steve. He was slumped in the chair, asleep. He didn't look like himself. He was...what was the word she wanted to use?...Ragged. His hair was disheveled, and she had never seen him other than clean shaven. His chiseled jaw was uncharacteristically covered with several days growth of a beard. What was going on? What had happened? Why didn't her hands move like she wanted? Why was she so tired? She tried to clear her throat, but realized there was something there. Why did she had a tube down her throat?

Suddenly Steve's face appeared in front of hers. His mouth was moving, but she couldn't make out what he was saying. Natasha just focused on his face, then it was like everything snapped back into place.

"A nurse will be here any second." Steve explained. "Just stay calm."

Natasha nodded she understood. She could see Steve's shoulders visibly relax. His face was filled with such concern. Steve gently held her hand as a nurse appeared and began checking Natasha's vitals.

Natasha waited patiently until the doctor arrived and approved removal of the intubation tube. Natasha followed the instructions on taking a big breath and breathing out. The tube was gone and she began coughing. Her throat was so raw, she needed water.

A cup appeared in front of her. "Small sips. No gulping." The nurse warned her.

It was odd, the water was soothing but felt so foreign. After a few sips she turned to Steve, "What happened?" Her voice was barely above a whisper and she began coughing again.

"Try not to speak too much yet." The nurse patted her gently on the shoulder. "Give your throat time to heal up."

Natasha listened as the doctor explained the clinical version of what happened to her. She eyed Steve, who was uncharacteristically looking at the floor and not her. She had been attacked and had been in a coma. Why wouldn't Steve look at her?

"How long?" She whispered.

"A little more than 5 weeks." His words hung in the air like a balloon.

Five weeks of her life were just gone. She had no memory of the attack, no memory of over a month. She remembered being with Steve, but things began to get hazy. She realized the doctor was still speaking.

"I know it must be a shock, but you are very fortunate." He hung her chart back on the foot of the bed. "We are going to leave you alone and let you get some rest. A nurse will come back in about an hour to you for some tests and then later today you are going to try some walking. Let us know if you need anything."

Then it was just Natasha and Steve. He was still standing in the corner out of the way, staring at the floor. Natasha studied him. She could tell he felt guilty for something. What, she did know.

She sighed loudly enough to make him look at her. She extended her hand to him. He hesitated before he returned to her side and grasped her hand in his.

"What happened," She asked.

"You should save your voice." Steve was trying to avoid answering her question.

She raised an eyebrow, "Steve, please just tell me."

He sighed and took a seat on the bed still grasping her hand, almost afraid to let go. "What's the last thing you remember?"

Natasha wracked her brain, she remembered coming back to New York. She remembered something about the Winter Soldier, but she couldn't quite place it. She remembered Steve showing her his sketchbooks. "Maybe the sketchbooks?"

Steve nodded. "Can you remember anything about the person that attacked you?" Steve tested the water.

Natasha shook her head. She was so tired. "Whoever it was, they knew what they were doing." Steve continued. "We have been looking into it, but the forensic evidence was odd. It was like their biometric make up had been alters. At least that's what Dr. Banner said. No one saw anyone enter or exit the building."

"I'm sorry," Natasha shook her head.

"For what?" Steve's face fell.

"I don't remember anything." She shrugged.

Steve huffed, "Natasha, don't do that. We will find whoever did this. And if you never remember anything about that day, so be it. It would be horrible to relive that anyway."

They sat quietly for a moment before Steve spoke again. "I was so scared." Natasha placed her hand on the side of his face. He closed his eyes and pressed his face deeper into her hand.

Natasha scooted over in the bed and pulled him down beside her. She wrapped his arms around her and she pressed her face into his chest. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She smiled when he leaned down and placed a familiar kiss on her head.

She was asleep before she knew it.

* * *

The next few days were a blur. Nurses and doctors coming and going. Test after test. Natasha felt exhausted. Natasha had never been left alone. If Steve wasn't with her, then Sam Wilson sat at her bedside. Sam explained that Steve wouldn't allow her to be unguarded. Steve had spent the majority of his time with her. He only left to look into finding whoever had attacked her. Natasha didn't need to be told that Steve hadn't slept much while she had been unconscious. The beard alone was enough to tell her Steve was not himself.

She also found out from Sam that Steve hadn't been back to the apartment since.

Steve wanted to take Natasha to New York, to Stark's tower, but the doctors were fighting it. Dr. Fine had arrived and said he would take responsibility for her in order for the hospital staff to make plans for her release. He had accompanied them to New York and was staying on hand until Natasha had fully recovered.

It was a few days before Natasha did much more than sleep. She had wanted to talk to Steve, really talk to him. Her body was not cooperating, she felt sluggish and clumsy. Her legs were wobbly and unstable. Dr. Fine had insisted she remain in the medical floor of the tower. She awoke not knowing if it was day or night. The lights in her room were dim, her eyes scanned the room and fell on Steve. He was seated in an armchair, he was not asleep but his eyes were not focused.

Natasha shifted in the bed and his eyes shifted up to her. He smiled at her, "Hi," His voice was soft.

"Hi," She smiled back.

"How are you feeling?" He asked and stood to stand by her.

"Groggy," She replied. She grabbed for his hand and pulled him to sit next to her.

"Can I get you anything?" Steve offered.

"No, I'm fine." She rubbed a hand over her face. "I feel so cut off being stuck in this bed. What's been going on?"

"Don't worry about it Natasha," Steve began but Natasha interrupted him.

"Steve, don't treat me like a child." She glared at him. "What has been going on?"

Steve sighed, "Well, Banner has been running tests on the blood found at the apartment. I told you before we didn't know who it belonged to because it had been altered somehow. We don't know much more than that right now. Stark has been making modifications to the security here to ensure you are safe."

"And you?" Natasha rubbed his hand.

Steve didn't answer at first, but she could tell he was teetering. Deciding whether or not to say something. His bottom lip trembled as he let the words slip out. "I'm sorry Natasha."

"Sorry for what?" She was confused.

"The guilt has been eating me up since I found you lying on the floor." He stared at her hand clutching his. "I shouldn't have left you alone."

"Steve," she pulled his face up to meet her gaze. The beard made her touch feel strange, "What are you talking about? This wasn't your fault."

He shook his head again, "You don't understand."

"You're right," She smiled, "I don't."

Steve sighed, "We had a fight. I said some things I shouldn't have and I left you alone in the apartment. You were almost dead when I found you."

Natasha didn't know what to say. She had tried over and over to remember what had happened, but nothing has surfaced. "Steve," She dropped her hand from his face. "I don't remember any of that."

Steve's shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry."

"Steve," She sighed. "I don't know if I will ever remember. Maybe we should take it as a fresh start?"

Steve's head popped up. "What do you mean?"

"Well," She licked her lips. "Maybe we forget whatever the fight was about and move on. I already forgot." She joked.

"What if you remember it later and hate me for it?" Steve faltered.

"Well, I guess if I remember it, we deal with it then." She smirked, "I must warn you Rogers I hold grudges, so if it was bad you will have to pay for it." Natasha meant for it to be a joke, but the look on Steve's face gave her pause. He was trying not to collapse in front of her. Whatever had gone on between them had been significant.

"Natasha..." His words caught in his throat. "I don't know if I can live with that. Waiting for those memories to suddenly appear. It will be like waiting for a bomb to go off." He looked at her, his eyes shining. "I would rather tell you."

"Right now?" She asked.

"Well, I'm certainly not going to tell you when you have your strength back to kick my ass." Steve finally attempted humor in the situation.

Natasha smirked back. "Well, I guess go ahead."

"I want to tell you because what is going on between us, I don't want it to end." He shifted on the bed. "I don't want secrets."

"Ok," Natasha waited.

"How much of the time before the attack do you remember?" He asked.

"Uh," She thought back. "I remember going through Peggy's papers and files." She tried to remember more. "I remember staying up late looking through your sketchbooks, but after that...blank." She looked back at him.

"I found Peggy's file on Howard Stark," he paused. "Do you remember what you found in the file?"

Natasha's face had gone white. "Yes," she whispered. "Is that what we fought about? You found the notes scribbled on the page…" She wasn't remembering what happened, she was thinking it through logically. What would have made Steve angry enough to leave her alone and felt guilty for leaving?

"Yes," He licked his lips. "I found them, I put two and two together like you did." Steve didn't want to say the words out loud in Stark's own home. "I also figured out that you had kept it from me, I got angry and things got heated." Steve fumbled through telling her the rest. "I shouldn't have said those things to you, I shouldn't have gotten so angry. You were right, and I was wrong." He looked at her with pleading eyes, "Please forgive me."

Natasha just stared through him. He was racked with guilt not only because he had left her alone, but because he had made her question his trust in her. Suddenly she remembered how she had felt trapped, how she had felt so stupid for letting him in, to only have him hurt her. She remembered a glint of light off a blade.

"There was a knife.." The words had left her mouth on their own.

Steve shifted. "You defended yourself from the attack with your knife. It was recovered by the police. Dr. Banner has been analyzing it."

"No," She whispered. "No, your blood was everywhere." Her gaze became unfocused, she could almost smell the blood. "You were covered in it." She shivered as she remember the cold water running over her. She felt like she was coming out of her skin, the memories came flooding back. The fear. The guilt. The smells. The touch. It all came back at once and her head was spinning.

She pulled herself from the bed and fumbled and stumbled her way to the bathroom. Steve tried to help her but she pushed him off. Her stomach flipped as she hit the cold tile floor. Her body shook as she vomited.

Steve appeared at her side and this time she let him touch her. He scooped her up in his arms and gently carried her back to her bed. Dr. Fine appeared in the doorway as he was laying her back in bed.

"What the hell is going on?" He demanded. "The monitors are going crazy."

"Uh," Steve fumbled. "She remembered something."

Dr. Fine pushed past Steve to asses Natasha. Her heart was pounding so loudly in her ears she could barely pay attention to their words.

"I told you this could happen. I told you to be careful." Dr. Fine's words were laced with chastisement. "She needs rest." He waved Steve off. "I'll let you know when she can have visitors."

"But," Steve began.

"Don't start with me." With that Steve turned and left. "Natasha, I need you to take deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. Can you do that for me?"

She nodded as she obeyed his instructions. He continued to check her vitals and speak calming words to her. "How's the nausea?"

"Pretty bad," She confessed.

"It's not uncommon. I'll get you something to help with that." He went to a cabinet and pulled a few vials and syringes. "Ok," He injected something into her IV. "It should pass soon." She nodded and leaned her head back against the pillow. "You've been through a lot." He patted her shoulder. "Just relax."

Natasha closed her eyes and breathed deeply. She didn't want to think about what Steve had told her. She didn't want to think about what she had done. "Can you give me something to help me sleep?" She asked without opening her eyes.

"Yeah," His words were quiet. "Just be still and get some rest. I'll be back to check in on you in a bit."

She listened to her own breathing until she fell unto sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

It was several days later before Dr. Fine allowed anyone to visit Natasha. Steve had been going crazy not being able to see her. It had been good for Natasha to rest and not worry about thing between her and Steve. She didn't want to think about it, and she didn't have to. She slept a lot with the aid of medication.

She was laying quietly when someone opened her door. She was surprised to see it wasn't Steve who entered her room, but Clint.

"Hey," She watched him move across the room.

"Hey, yourself." He smiled a sweet grin and gave her a gentle hug.

"What are you doing here?" She asked.

He plopped down in the chair next to the bed and propped his feet up on the side of the bed. "Nat, come on. You know why I'm here."

She didn't speak, just watched him. He looked good. She hadn't spoken to him since she tracked him down a few months earlier. They could go months without speaking and pick up like no time had passed. It was an easy relationship.

He nudged her leg with the toe of his boot. "Nat."

She cut her eyes at him with a softness he had been able to draw from her for years. "You talked to Steve yet?"

"He said it would be better for me to talk to you directly. That it was your business who you told, not his." He crossed his arms over his chest. "He's respectful I'll give him that."

She took a deep breath and told him everything. She told him all the details, all the things she felt for Steve and how he made her feel. She told him what Steve had told her, even though she didn't remember most of it. All she remembered was how hurt she had felt.

When she was finished she looked to him. He was quiet. He didn't comment, just waited. "I think I need a break." She said quietly.

"From what?" Clint asked, cocking his head to one side.

"Thinking…" She felt a tears forming in her eyes. "I am sluggish, and I don't like making decisions when I'm sluggish." She ran a hand through her hair and cut the tears before they fell. "I need time to figure out what's going on between me and Steve."

"From what I hear, your doc has made him keep his distance." He watched her. "He's been driving the Big Guy and Stark crazy. Been wound up, even more than usual."

Natasha didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to feel guilty at the thought of Steve being upset over a fight she couldn't even remember. She remembered how hurt she felt, but he didn't deserve to suffer this much over it. A lot had happened since then. She looked directly at Clint. "I don't want to think about it. Will you please just tell him to give me a little space?"

Clint nodded. "I will in a bit. Right now, I am going to sit here with you."

Natasha smiled softly. Her stomach suddenly flipped. Her hand shot to her mouth, willing the burning in her throat to stay put.

"You ok?" Clint pulled his feet down and leaned forward. "You want me to get the doc?"

"No," She swallowed. "I'll be alright." Clint stood and moved to the table by her bed and poured her some water. She took it and sipped slowly. "Thanks."

"Just let me know if you're gonna hurl. These are my favorite boots." He winked.

Natasha chuckled lightly. Clint sat back down and he started telling her some story about how he got into a bar fight but she was only halfway listening. She was fighting with the nausea. Eventually her stomach calmed. She was happy Clint was around, she needed someone to talk to that was easy and someone who knew her. It was different talking to Steve. She wanted to be with Steve, but she needed to work through some things before she talked with him. Clint was really the only other person in the world she would discuss any of this with. She had missed him.

"See, I told you." Clint's words pulled her from her thoughts.

"What?" She looked at him.

"I knew you weren't listening to me." He smiled softly. "Don't worry, I blame the coma."

She sighed, "Sorry, I'm still so tired." She rubbed her eyes.

"Get some shut eye." He pulled himself up and grabbed her hand. He gave it a gentle squeeze. "I'll let Loverboy know you need some space."

"Thanks," She squeezed his hand.

He moved to leave, but paused halfway through the door and turned. "For what it's worth, I think he's good for you." She watched him leave and sunk down into the bed.

* * *

Natasha spent the next week going back and forth in her head with the pros and cons of it all. Clint had been with her when she needed and left her alone when she wanted. Dr. Fine had made her start physical therapy which she actually enjoyed. She hated being stuck in bed and she could already feel herself getting stronger. She didn't' really know what was happening in the world outside. She was able to just focus on herself, which was something she rarely did. After she had been shot by The Winter Soldier, she had to be pulled from active duty until she recovered, but even then she had only wanted to get better to get back in the field. She didn't have anything to get back to.

She knew Steve would give her as much time and space as she needed. She knew he wouldn't come to her; he would wait for her to take the first step.

Dr. Fine said she was doing well enough to be moved from the hospital floor to a regular suite if she wished. She jumped at the chance and felt a little more herself as she crawled into her bed. She lay in the dark missing Steve.

_She heard the doorknob turn. Something wasn't right. She was slammed into the floor. She couldn't breathe. Something was around her throat, choking her. She couldn't move. She was trapped, gasping for air. _

"_No time to play, just leaving a message for Cap_." The voice was crystal clear.

Natasha awoke with a gasp. She was covered in sweat, shaking uncontrollably. There was someone pounding on her door.

"Natasha!" A muffled voice carried in. "Natasha!"

A sob burst from her lips as Steve busted through the door. She felt his arms circle around her shaking form.

"Shh," He whispered in her ear. "Take a deep breath." She buried her head in his chest. He continued holding her close to his body, soothing her softly.

"I couldn't breathe." She gasped. "He was going to kill me."

"Shh, it was just a dream." Steve whispered.

"He said it was a message for you." She blubbered.

"Who did?" Steve pulled her away to face him.

"Rumlow." Her words hung in the air.

"What?" Steve's face was set.

"I remembered what happened." She licked her lips and tried to calm down enough to tell him. "He said he was leaving a message for you. The man that attacked me, he was going to kill me to send you a message. I know who it was, his voice….it was Rumlow."

"How is that possible?" Steve was stiff. "You barely rescued Sam before the building came down."

Natasha shook her head, "I don't know, but it was him." She felt her breathing become ragged again like she was going to faint. "Steve," She wavered, her eyes fluttering.

"Natasha, stay with me ok." Steve's face swam in and out of focus in the dim light, then she lost consciousness.

* * *

Steve watched Natasha from his chair at her bedside. Dr. Fine had put her back on the hospital floor and given her more medication in the IV that had returned in her arm. Dr. Fine had let Steve stay with Natasha to keep her calm if she woke up again in distress.

He had been in agony, waiting for Natasha to allow him back in. He had planted himself outside her suite and had heard her screaming in the middle of the night. He tried to push down the chills that ran down his spine every time he remembered her screaming. Since the attack, he had woken often. Shaking and gasping for breath as he dreamed about her dying over and over. He selfishly missed her by his side to help ease him back to sleep after a nightmare.

He caught sight of her eyelashes fluttering open. He was by her side, scooping her hand in his. "Hey," he whispered.

She groaned as she forced the fog from her head. "Steve?" She asked.

"Yeah," He rubbed her knuckles, "It's me."

Her bottom lip trembled slightly. "I remembered it all."

Steve's heart sank. "I'm so sorry you had to relive that."

"No," Her eyes opened. "I'm not talking about that."

Steve's confused face stared back at her. "What are you talking about then?"

"I love you," her words were so soft Steve almost didn't hear them. "I don't care what happened between us that day. It all seems so stupid now. I know how I feel about you. I know how I have grown being with you, and I don't want that to change."

Steve smiled as tears appeared in his eyes. "Natasha, I love you. I'm so sorry for everything." He buried his head in her chest. "I'm so sorry." His words were muffled.

She pulled his face up to meet hers. "Steve, there's nothing to forgive." She smiled and pulled his lips to meet hers. It had been far too long since their lips had meet. This was easy to fall back into, it was all familiar.

Steve moved his head to rest in the crook of her neck and just held her. She let him and took a deep breath. This was what she wanted. It didn't matter how strong she was, she had come to realize that it was ok to lean on others. Both figuratively and literally. Something she had learned from Steve. The two of them were so different, but that was probably part of what made it work. She agreed with Clint, Steve was good for her and she was good for Steve.

Natasha felt her stomach flip again and a wave of nausea hit her. She quickly pulled away from Steve and covered her mouth with her hand.

"You ok?" Steve held her up.

"I'm gonna be sick." Her words were rushed as she fumbled to get to her feet. Steve helped her to the bathroom.

"I'm going to get the Doctor." Steve waited for her to tell him to stay but she just waved him off.

Natasha hated vomiting. She had vomited more in the past few weeks than she had in her entire life. Dr. Fine had been supplying her with anti-nausea medication since she had woken from the coma. She was thankful for them.

When she was finished she pulled herself up off the floor and turned on the water in the sink. She washed her mouth out with cool water and splashed her face as well.

She heard Steve return as she hung up the towel and exited the bathroom. Steve returned to her side and helped her back to bed. Steve was covering her legs when Dr. Fine arrived.

"How you feeling?" He approached the bed.

Natasha cut her eyes at him. "Terrible." She muttered.

"We can fix that," He said with a smile.

He went about checking her vitals and injecting medication into her IV. He turned to Natasha, "I'd like to run some tests so I am going to draw some blood ok?"

"Ok," She nodded.

Steve watched as Natasha was poked and prodded. "She's going to be alright isn't she?"

"Not everyone heals as quickly as you do Captain," Dr. Fine replied, "But yes, she will be fine."

Natasha barely felt the needle pierce her skin as he drew several vials of blood. She was feeling a little better with the medication flowing through her.

When he was finished he laid a hand on her shoulder. "Take it easy, and I'll be back to check on you. Let the good Captain get you anything you need."

"Thanks," Natasha really did appreciate everything Dr. Fine was doing for her. He had been her physician ever since she joined S.H.I.E.L.D. She liked him well enough, and was grateful he was willing to care for her in Stark's place rather than being confined to a hospital.

Steve watched him as he left. He turned back to Natasha, "You need anything?"

"No," She laid her head back against the pillow. "Thank you."

He moved his chair closer to her bed and gently took her hand in his. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She thought for a moment. "How can he still be alive? Rumlow was as good as dead."

Steve sighed, "Bruce has been running test on the blood found at the apartment. It doesn't really match anything in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s database."

"Well," Natasha replied, "Hydra was part of S.H.I.E.L.D for so long they could have manipulated the files from the start."

"Bruce said it had been enhanced somehow." Steve licked his lips, "You know better than anyone how confusing it was those first few days. Any number of HYDRA doctors could have gotten to him."

"Why send you a message like…._that_." Her voice softened.

"They have to have been watching me for a while to know…" He wasn't sure how to phrase it. "To know we are together."

"Nothing like discussing your relationship status and an assassination attempt in the same breath." Natasha teased, trying to make light of the situation.

Steve chuckled, "Never boring with you is it?" His face turned serious. "Natasha.." He was grasping for the right words. "I almost lost you."

She turned to him, "I'm still here." She grasped his hand tighter. She smiled as he gently kissed her hand. "What about Peggy's papers?" Natasha suddenly thought back to them.

"They were gone when I...found you." Steve shuddered. "Rumlow must have taken them."

Natasha forced her mind to pick through the memories of that night. "There was someone else there." She muttered.

"Who?" Steve scooted closer.

"I never saw his face," Her eyes moved back through her mind. "He appeared behind Rumlow right before I blacked out. Were they working together or…?" Her voice trailed off.

"You think this mystery person saved you?" Steve asked. "Then why didn't they call an ambulance or something?"

"I don't know.." She shook her head.

"We can figure that out later." Steve cut it off. "You need to get better first. You want something to eat?"

Natasha was hungry but the thought of anything made her want to gag. "Maybe some soup?" She could probably handle that.

"Done." Steve stood and planted a kiss on the top of her head and was gone.

* * *

Time was passing slowly for Natasha. Days seemed to drag on. Dr. Fine allowed her to continue physical therapy but the nausea didn't let up. Steve had been there to help her. He barely left her side and when he did he made sure there was someone to sit with her. She had returned to her suite and spent a lot of time just resting.

Clint was with her in her suite when there was a knock at the door.

"Come on in doc," Clint left the door open behind him and took his seat back on the couch.

Natasha was seated on one of couches reading a book. She closed it and let it drop beside her when Dr. Fine entered.

"How you feeling?" His hands were crossed over his torso, a folder clutched between them.

"Pretty good." She smiled.

"Do you mind if I talk to you for a moment?" His eyes flashed to Clint and back.

"Is everything ok?" Clint's features flinched.

"Oh," He smiled nervously, "Just a few things I want to check out, nothing to worry about."

"Ok," Clint remained in his seat.

Dr. Fine stook a step closer, "Uh, I think it best we do this in private."

Clint looked from Dr. Fine to Natasha. "What's this about?" Natasha asked.

"I really do think it best this be discussed in private," his words were quiet and his eyes flashed to the file in his hands.

"Ok," She turned to Clint. "It's ok."

Clint nodded and left them. Once the door shut behind him Natasha spoke. "You are freaking me out. What is going on?"

"Natasha," He looked at the file in his hands. "I don't know how this is even possible and I'm not sure how to even tell you."

"Just spit it out!" She was growing impatient.

"I ran some tests and... " He let out a small chuckle. "You're pregnant."

Natasha's mind went blank. "What did you say?"

"You're pregnant. That's why you have been so nauseous. At first I thought it was due to the trauma, but the test doesn't lie. To be honest I don't even know why I ran it."

"It has to be wrong." She found her words. "You know that it's not possible."

"I know." He passed the file to her. "I ran it 3 times. It's not wrong. I would like to do an exam if you'd let me."

Natasha was shocked. "How is this possible?"

"Will you hit me if I say it's safe to assume Captain Rogers is the father?" He was only halfway joking.

"Well," Natasha blushed slightly. "That's an easy conclusion to come to…."

Once it was clear she wasn't going to strike him, he took a seat on the couch. "I think it has to do with Captain Rogers DNA." Natasha just sat in disbelief.

"The serum…" Her mind was racing.

"If you just let me do a physical exam…" He looked at her. "Even though obstetrics isn't my specialty, I'm familiar with your... _history_."

He just waited for Natasha to respond. Her hands had instinctively fallen over her abdomen. "Will it harm the baby?"

"Of course not." He shook his head. "All routine."

"Ok," She pulled herself slowly to her feet. "Please keep this between us."

"Never crossed my mind." He smiled as he led her back to the medical floor.

She had suffered through exams before. It was just part of life, but this one seemed different. To know that there was another life, no matter how small, growing inside of her. Everything was different now. He had given her privacy to shed her clothes and put on a flimsy gown. She wasn't sure who was more uncomfortable, her or Dr. Fine.

"You're sure you don't want Captain Rogers here with you?" He asked

"No," She replied quickly. "I want to see it with my own eyes before I tell him."

He pulled an ultrasound machine closer to the bed. Natasha laid back and pulled the gown up above her stomach with a sheet laid across her legs. Dr. Fine actually blushed when he explained, "Um, I don't know how far along you are and the fetus might be too small to be picked up through your stomach…."

"Oh," Natasha realized this was going to be more invasive than she had anticipated.

He helped her place her feet in the stirrups at the end of the bed. "I'll be as gentle as I can. Just relax."

Natasha took a deep breath and pushed the discomfort from her mind. She stared at the ceiling, her hands clasped across her chest.

"Amazing." She heard Dr. Fine mumble.

"What?" she was a little afraid of what he might say.

"There is no scar tissue..." He shifted in his seat. "It's all perfect. Healthy. I see no damage, no indication there ever was."

"How can that be?" She asked.

"Well," he sighed. "I can only assume that each time you…" he blushed again, "you had unprotected sex, the serum in his DNA somehow reversed the damage. It's the only thing I can think of that would explain this kind of change."

Natasha didn't know what to think. Not only was she pregnant with Steve's child, but it was because of Steve that she was even carrying the child. This explained why she had such a terrible time with her body in Dubai. Her body was correcting itself.

"There it is," Dr. Fine turned the screen so Natasha could see. He pointed to a small blob in the middle of the screen.

Natasha turned to look, "That's it?" She was surprised. "It's so small."

"As far as I can tell from these measurements, you are about 10 weeks along." He explained. "It's the perfect size, right on target."

Natasha felt tears burst from her eyes. "I can't believe it…" She brought her hand to trembling lips. "I can't believe it…"

"Congratulations," Dr. Fine smiled broadly. "Would you like me to bring Captain Rogers in?"

"No," She shook her head again. "But can you get me a print out of this?" She pointed to the screen.

"Yeah," He smiled again. "I promise my lips are sealed."

"Thank you," She didn't know how to feel about being pregnant, but her body and soul took over and she smiled. She smiled more brightly than she ever had in her life.

* * *

Days passed and Natasha had kept the information to herself. She wanted to be able to give Steve the news in some special way. It was so surprising that she had to figure out what she would say and she just couldn't find the right words to express everything she was feeling.

She had been healing quickly and gaining her strength back every day. She felt herself growing stronger. She awoke, the sky dark through the windows. Steve was sleeping soundly next to her. His arm was draped over her torso, her back pressed against his firm bare chest.

She smiled to herself, knowing Steve was going to be a father. He was going to have something he always wanted. She was going to be a mother, something only Steve could give to her. She shifted her body to face him. Natasha felt a desire spark in her, gently she nudged Steve until his eyes fluttered open.

"What's the matter?" His voice was muffled with sleep. "You ok?"

"Yes," She smiled. "Kiss me."

"What?" His brain still wasn't awake.

"I want you to kiss me," her voice was soft and sultry.

She expected Steve to lecture her about being safe and focusing on gaining her strength back, but he didn't. Instead he found her lips with his and kissed her. She pressed her body against his and roamed her hands across him with urgency. She gasped when his mouth moved down her neck. She rolled on her back and pulled him on top of her, his weight familiar and dizzying.

"I've missed this." His words whispered in her ear.

"Make love to me," She demanded, and he obeyed. It was passionate, a fury of heat. She didn't hold back and neither did he. They gasped and moaned together as they rode the waves of pleasure. Sweaty and gasping for breath they fell back.

"I love you," Steve said breathlessly.

"I know," She just smiled and rested her head on his chest, his heart pounding. She ran her hand across his freshly shaved chin. "I kind of miss the beard."

Steve chuckled, "Really?"

"Yeah," She kissed him softly. "It was nice to see you a little more laid back. More relaxed."

"Good to know," He pulled her closer to him. They sank deeper into the warm bed.

They were silent for a bit, Steve running his hands through her hair. "Have you found anything on Bucky?"

"No," He sighed. "I have been too worried about you to devote much time to looking."

"Steve," She raised her head. "You can't abandon that." She felt guilty that Steve wasn't looking for Bucky because of her.

"I'm not." He replied. "Natasha, you were practically dead. It was more important to keep you safe than to go looking for him. He will still be out there when you are better." His voice intensified. "I am not leaving your side until I know you will be safe while I am gone...If Stark ever actually finds him...First I'm gonna find Rumlow…"

"What you gonna do when you find him?" She asked quietly.

"It doesn't matter," Steve's voice softened. "It almost killed me. I will never let someone take you away from me again. Stark is making more security modifications to the tower, once you are better, then I will focus on finding him."

"You know I can take care of myself right?" Natasha let the pride shine in her voice.

"I do," Steve shifted under her. "I know you can. We are a team now, you and I. We take care of each other."

She smiled against his chest. "Let's go out into the city tomorrow."

"Yeah?" Steve's voice was lighter now.

"Yeah," she replied. "I want to get out for a bit, just you and me." She would take Steve out, away from prying ears and tell him he was going to have a new team member to think about soon.

"That I can do." He kissed her head and took a deep breath as she snuggled closer into his chest.

* * *

Natasha pulled the sonogram photos out of her drawer and placed it in the pocket of her jacket. She felt the smile spread across her face and her cheeks flush. Steve was going to be back any minute to take her out in the city and she was going to tell him. She let her hand linger over her abdomen. She was still several weeks away from actually showing and she was thankful they would have time to figure everything out before anyone else knew.

"You ready?" Steve's voice called from the living room.

"Coming," She replied from the bedroom. She took a deep breath and made her way out.

"It is a little cold, but such a beautiful day," Steve's eyes were bright and cheerful.

"Perfect," She smiled back at him.

"Gosh," He grinned broadly. "You are beautiful, you know that?"

"It's nice to hear it once in a while," She stood on her toes to plant a kiss on his lips.

That was the last peaceful thought they would share as the building around them exploded and shuddered.

* * *

Everything was hot. There were flames dancing around her vision. She couldn't breath, the air was so thick with smoke and soot.

"Natasha!" Steve's voice broke through her confused brain.

"I'm here!" She felt herself yell back. Then a set of strong arms pulled her to her feet.

"Are you alright?" His voice was right in her ear, but she could barely make out what he was saying. The explosion had left a ringing in her ear that would not stop.

"I think so!" She shouted back. Her hands dropped to her stomach. "What happened?"

"No idea!" Steve yelled back. He lead her out of the wrecked room to the hallway. It seemed like everything was on fire. "We have to get out of here!"

"JARVIS!" Natasha yelled. "Are you online?" There was no response.

"Come one," Steve pulled her along behind him. "We need to find the stairwell and try to get to the top floor. Maybe the quinjet is undamaged."

They climbed and pushed their way through the wreckage. "Where is everyone?" Natasha coughed.

"I didn't see anyone this morning. Who knows if anyone else was even here!" Steve answered over his shoulder.

They found the stairwell, but there was concrete rubble blocking the door. Steve easily moved the blockage, and placed his hand against the door.

"I don't think there is any fire, the door isn't hot." Steve gently pulled the door open. "Come on." He pulled Natasha to the stairwell. "Stay close to me."

She clung to him tightly. He kept her on her feet as she was stumbling. She felt lightheaded, beginning to think she had a concussion. They made it up one flight of stairs before the structure around them began groaning.

"Steve," She grabbed his arm. "I think we need to get out of here!"

"We have to get up just 2 more flights and we will hit the flight deck!" Steve pulled her along beside him. "Come on!"

They hurried up one more flight before Natasha stumbled down. "Natasha!" Steve grabbed her and looked at her. He couldn't want to waste time to asses her injuries, he wanted to get out of the stairwell. "Stay awake!" He pulled her into his arms.

She fought for consciousness as Steve struggled to get up the stairs. She could see a patch of red flooding across his torso. "You're hurt." Her voice felt so small in her head and she wasn't even sure Steve heard her. He didn't react to it.

The groaning of metal grew louder. There was another explosion beneath them, the ground shaking. Steve stumbled and Natasha slipped from his grasp. "Steve!" Natasha felt a scream rip from her throat as she saw a metal beam falling above them.

She was prepared for the world to end, but it didn't. She opened her eyes, and she could only see Steve. He was crouched above her straining to hold the metal beam and other rubble from crushing them both. She could see on his face that they were in trouble. When the missile had hit the bunker Steve had his shield to help absorb the hit, but now he didn't have it. Now he had taken the brunt of it on his back and shoulders.

She tried to clear her mind, "Steve!" She yelled over the roaring in her ear. He didn't answer, his body visibly trembling. "I don't think we can make it!" She felt tears in her eyes. She didn't know why the world around them had exploded, she would never know why they were going to die and all she could think about was Steve would never know about the baby.

Her vision was swimming in and out of focus. There was a roaring sound and an intense heat began to burn above her.

She heard Steve yelling, "We're here!" She didn't know who Steve was talking to but she couldn't keep her eyes open. "If I move it will crush us."

"Steve…" Her voice was fumbling.

"Take her!" Steve's voice pushed through.

Natasha finally opened her eyes and she saw blue sky. Where was she? Why did her head hurt so much? She felt herself being laid down gently on hard concrete.

"Barton!" Whose voice was that? "Get her in the jet!" Oh, it was Stark. When did he get here?

"Natasha," Someone's voice was in her ear. "Come on." Her eyes found a face above hers.

"Clint." She felt the name fall off her tongue before her brain could think of it. "Wait." She felt her mind clear. "Steve!" She shouted. "Where's Steve!"

"Calm down!" Clint's voice was sharp. "Starks gonna get him. Let me get you out of here."

"Not without Steve!" She screamed. The fog was lifting. They were on the flight deck of the tower, she could see fire and smoke billowing up from beneath them. "He's in the stairwell!"

"Natasha," Clint spun her around to face him. "You can't go back in there. The whole thing has collapsed! Stark's gonna get him!"

Natasha let him pull her into the back of the jet. Her eyes were glued to the gaping hole in the roof, waiting for Steve to bust through. The minutes felt like an eternity until something busted through, but it wasn't only Steve.

Iron Man shot up and out pulling an unconscious Steve with him.

"Got it!" Clint was reacting to a voice Natasha couldn't hear. "Natasha, get back!" Clint climbed into the pilot seat and the jet began to rise.

"Why are we leaving?" She shouted.

"Stark's in trouble!" Clint replied dryly. "And we can't stay on the roof."

Natasha eyes followed the line of smoke Iron Man was leaving across the sky.

"They're coming in hot!" Clint shouted a warning.

Natasha jumped back as the two men came crashing into the back of the jet. Natasha was knocked from her feet.

Stark was pushing himself back up on his knees. Natasha barely heard him over the roar of the engines. "Get us to a hospital now!" His words were for Barton.

Natasha crumpled down beside Steve. She gently pulled him over onto his back. She gasped at the sight of his damaged body. There were burns covering half his body. Blood and burnt flesh mixed with the soot in her nose. She gagged, pushing the bile down her throat. The door of the jet had closed and it was easier to hear now.

She leaned down and checked for a pulse. Her fingers were shaking so badly she couldn't force them still enough to find one. She laid her hand on Steve's chest, and felt it rise slightly. There was a steady stream of blood trickling down his face from the corner of his mouth.

"He's in bad shape." Stark's voice startled her. She assumed he was assessing Steve's injuries with the aid of his Iron Man suit. "His back is broken; ribs are crushed, punctured lung. His insides are basically mush. He's got 2nd and 3rd degree burns…" His voice trailed off as he saw Natasha's face turn ghostly white. "Don't worry. We will get him to the hospital and they will fix him."

Natasha grabbed his unburned hand with hers and clutched it tightly. She knew she was crying, but she didn't care if Clint or Stark saw. Steve was so still. He didn't move or make a sound the entire flight.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

When they landed on the roof of the hospital Natasha was in shock. She just watched as Steve was loaded onto a gurney. Everything was a blur as she was ushered to a separate room. She soon lost consciousness.

Clint was seated in a chair next to her bed when she woke up. From what Natasha could tell he was basically unhurt, just covered in soot and grime. He seemed to be asleep, but Natasha could tell he was awake, but his eyes were closed.

Natasha cleared her throat and his eyes flew open. "Hey," He said softly.

"Is he ok?" Her voice was small.

"He's still in surgery," Clint replied. "You and I both know he can take a beating and get right back up."

Natasha felt a tear roll down her cheek. "What even happened?"

"Starks' trying to figure it all out." Clint explained. "Right now, we know that there were multiple explosions inside the tower."

"This was a direct hit on us?" Natasha felt anger rising in her. "How did they get in? I mean, doesn't he have security measure to prevent something like this?"

"He's looking into it Natasha," Clint's voice remained calm.

"Dr. Fine, was he in the tower? Is anyone else hurt?" She felt her brain falling back into place.

"No one else was hurt. Dr. Fine is here helping with Rogers. He's in surgery with him right now."

"Thank goodness," she tried to pull herself up in bed. "Is anyone else with Steve? Keeping him safe?" Natasha's eyes widened. _The baby!_

"Yes," Clint stood and pushed her back in the bed. "Don't make me get a doctor to sedate you again. You're pretty banged up yourself."

"I need to talk to a doctor or a nurse, right now!" Her voice full of panic.

"Stay calm," Clint gently held her down. "I'll get somebody, just stay calm."

She nodded and took a deep breath. Clint disappeared and reappeared with a tall blond nurse trailing behind him.

"How are you feeling?" The nurse had a warm personality and began checking Natasha's vitals.

"Clint," Natasha's voice was stronger now. "Would you give us a minute?"

"I'll be right outside if you need me ok," Clint patted her leg and left.

As soon as he was outside of ear shot Natasha grabbed the nurse's arm. "I'm pregnant and I need to know if the baby is alright."

"Oh my goodness," the nurse dropped the chart on the bed and pressed the nurse call button. "How far along are you?"

"Barely 10 weeks," Natasha replied. "No one knows and it needs to stay that way."

Another nurse entered the room, "Everything ok in here Patty?"

"I need you to get me someone from obstetrics down here and get an ultrasound machine and tech." The blond nurse ordered quickly. "Marcy," She added as the other nurses headed back to the door. "Tell the gentleman seated outside to grab a coffee and keep this off the boards out there." The woman nodded and left.

"I'm Patty by the way," The blonde introduced herself. "We are gonna get you taken care of ok. Just try to stay calm and relaxed. I understand you've been through one hell of a day."

Natasha nodded. She hated involving strangers with something like this, but none of it mattered. The baby mattered. The nurse went back to checking Natasha's vitals.

* * *

It took another 15 minutes before anyone else came back into the room. It was the same nurse as before, Marcy. "I've got the ultrasound machine and tech coming in 15. Dr. Williams is on call but he's in with another patient. He will come down as soon as he's done."

"I've got some blood samples I need to get to the lab." Patty grabbed the vials of blood she had drawn from Natasha and stopped at the door. "Marcy, sit with her until OB gets here. I will get back as soon as I can."

"Thank you," Natasha felt the words forming on their own.

It was agony waiting. Steve was somewhere else fighting to stay alive and she was here alone, waiting to find out if she was still going to be a mother. It was in those minutes of the unknown that helped Natasha realize how she truly felt. The thought of losing the baby was horrifying. She wanted this baby, more than anything in the past decade.

Finally, a tech arrived and the machine was set up. Natasha waited patiently as the technician did her work. Natasha's eyes were not on the screen, but glued to the technicians face. She tried to pick up on any indication of what the technician was seeing.

"Ok, it looks like your baby is doing very well." The tech pointed to the screen. "See that little flutter? That's the heart beating."

Natasha let out the breath she had been holding in and let the tears roll down her face. "Oh..thank you!"

"It's very strong," The woman continued.

Natasha barely listened to her words as relief rushed over her. She covered her hands with her face and wept.

* * *

Hours later Natasha was resting. After a quick visit from the on call OB who had simply examined her and said to rest, Clint had returned and asked no questions. She was grateful for that. There had been no word on Steve and she couldn't bring herself to sleep.

She turned when there was a knock on her door. "Come in!" Clint called over his shoulder.

Natasha sat up quickly when she saw it was Dr. Fine. "How is he?"

He held his hand up and dropped them. "He's resting." he wiped his forced. "He has a fractured spin and multiple broken ribs. I've got the internal bleeding under control. The burns are being treated. There is severe swelling around his brain. He has multiple lacerations, but his body is working to repair itself."

Natasha was pulling herself out of bed, "Can I see him?"

"He's still unconscious." He approached the bed and laid a hand on her shoulder. "He will be for some time. You know he burns through pain medication quickly, so the longer he is unconscious the better for him. He is going to be in a lot of pain when he wakes up." He cleared his throat. "I'm sorry I wasn't here earlier to take care of you too, but I spoke to your doctor and everything seems fine. You need to rest."

"I just want to see him." Natasha stared back. "Please."

Dr. Fine sighed loudly. "Ok," He looked at Clint. "You get her back in bed after she's seen him. Got it?"

"Of course," Clint's tone seems a little more sarcastic than submissive but Dr. Fine didn't seem to notice.

"I'll get a wheelchair for you," Dr. Fine made his way out.

"You're not even gonna fight him on that?" Clint watched her, "Man either you are hurt worse than I thought or you just really want to see Loverboy."

Natasha wanted to laugh at his joke. He wanted to make the situation lighter, but she could only manage a weak smile. She needed to take it easy, not only for herself, but for the baby. She wanted to tell Clint everything, but not before Steve knew. She needed to see him with her own eyes, make sure he was alright.

Dr. Fine returned with the wheelchair and they made their way through the hospital to the ICU where Steve was being monitored. They had left Natasha alone with Steve. She was afraid to even touch him. His body was bare, just a sheet covering him. His torso was covered in dark bruises and bandages. There wasn't much skin left exposed. The burns were covered with soothing patches and there was an intubation tube in his mouth, forcing air into his lungs.

Natasha knew that Steve would heal, that he would get stronger. It took a lot to break Captain America, but right now he looked as broken as she had ever seen him. All the damage done to him was because he was protecting her. He had used his body to shield her from the collapsing building and the flames. She moved closed to the bed and leaned down next to his ear.

No one heard the hushed words, but Natasha couldn't wait any longer. "Steve," she whispered, "You have to wake up. You are going to be a father." She gently kissed his forehead and sat back down in the wheelchair.

Clint let her stay for as long as she wanted. He just stood back and waited. Several nurses came and went administering pain medication through his IV and changing bandages. Natasha just stared at Steve. Eventually exhaustion won out and Natasha asked Clint to take her back to her room. She needed to rest so she could be ready to help Steve through what would be some very painful few days.

* * *

Natasha was released the next afternoon. She didn't even leave the hospital; she just made her way back to Steve. He had been extubated and moved to a private room. She could already see his color had returned to normal and some of the bruising was lighter. The burns were healing quickly.

She sat with him all day and into the night. He began mumbling near early morning, pulling Natasha out of her semi-consciousness.

"Steve," She soothed. "It's alright. You are gonna be ok." His eyes began fluttering and he began to fold in on himself as he regained consciousness. "Steve," She placed her hand firmly on his undamaged skin on his chest and pushed him down. "Stay calm, I know you are confused, but you need to stay still or it is gonna hurt a lot worse."

He moaned and forced his eyes shut. "Natasha?" His voice was strained through clenched teeth.

"Yeah," She smiled. "I'm here."

"Are you hurt?" He asked.

"No," Even now he was concerned for her. "You saved my life, again." She added.

"Hurts so much," There were tears rolling down his cheek.

"I know," She wiped them away. "The pain meds aren't gonna do much for you now. You're gonna have to get through this without them, but I'm staying here with you." Steve nodded back and Natasha kissed his cheek. "I've got something important to tell you when you are feeling better."

Steve was unconscious again before Natasha finished her sentence.

* * *

Days and nights passed in much of the same manner. Steve was in a lot of pain. He would wake for small amounts of time, but it was too much for his body to handle and he would fade back into unconsciousness. He would mumble or yell out in his sleep. It was not a restful recovery for him or Natasha. True to her word, she stayed by his side through it all.

It was almost a week later before Steve could manage the pain and he had woken in the early evening and found Natasha snoozing in the chair beside him. The burns covering his body had practically dissolved and the new skin was fresh and pink. The internal damage was healing more slowly. They were going to do more tests, but Steve could tell his back was mending already.

He knew he shouldn't be moving so much, but he was so stiff. He tried to pull himself into a sitting position, but he felt his body resist.

"Steve!" Natasha had woken and was watching him with disapproving eyes. "What are you doing?"

"I was trying to sit up," Steve groaned and let himself fall back on the bed. "I guess I shouldn't be doing that yet?"

"You guessed right." Natasha shifted in her seat. "How's the pain?"

"It's better," Steve swallowed. Natasha watched him. "What?"

Natasha just smiled softly, "I'm just glad you're mending."

"Sorry, it's taking so long." Steve chuckled slightly. "What happened?"

"Well," Natasha took a deep breath. "Seems like Hydra has a long reach."

"Hydra?" Steve asked.

"Yeah," she continued. "It appears that some of the contracted workers hired to reconstruct parts of Stark Tower after the battle of New York were blackmailed to plant explosives. They were highly advanced designs, the workers claim they didn't even know what they were. They were not detected and they were even to disable J.A.R.V.I.S. for a bit." She cleared her throat, "They were trying to kill us."

Steve's jaw was set in that familiar line. "Was anyone else hurt?"

"No," She shook her head. "Stark and Barton got us out after…" She trailed off.

Steve turned to look at her and grasped for her hand. She let her hand find his. "Nat."

"I watched the building collapsed on top of us, on top of you." She felt tears welling in her eyes.

"Nat," Steve squeezed her hand tighter. "We made it. We're ok, for the most part." He gave a small smirk.

"You don't understand Steve," Natasha reached into her pocket and pulled out the ultrasound photo. "I have something to tell you."

Steve looked at her in confusion. "What is that?"

"It's a photo of our baby." She smiled softly.

"What?" Steve didn't know what was happening. She handed him the ultrasound photo and pointed to the small blog that was their baby.

"I'm pregnant." She replied.

"What?" His face was filled with confusion. "I thought...you couldn't have children?"

"Well," She licked her lips. "Dr. Fine seems to think that the serum in your DNA, to put it delicately, it healed the damage." She watched and waited for Steve to react.

The smile that spread was gradual as pure joy replaced the confusion across his face. "Natasha," Tears were welling in his eyes. "I…" Natasha watched as Steve pulled himself up.

"Steve, lay back down," She tried to push him back but he resisted.

"Please help me sit up," He pleaded. She silently agreed and helped him sit up. She gasped as he pulled her against him. "I love you so much." She felt his tears on her neck. "This is amazing!"

She let the joy wash over her and she hugged him back, careful not to jostle him, but he didn't seem to care. He hung to her like she was life itself. She felt more tears on her face and he shook with each breath he took. "Are you ok?" He pulled her away from him. "I mean after what happened? Is everything ok?"

"Yes," She smiled back. Steve placed his hands over her abdomen and his touch was like fire. "You have a new team member to think about."

"Marry me." Steve's words were quiet and more of a statement than a question.

"What?" She gasped.

He looked back up at her. "Marry me."

"Steve," She tried to pull away. "Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean we have to get married." He wouldn't let her pull away.

"Natasha," Steve sighed. "I don't want to marry you just because you're pregnant." He looked around. "Where's my wallet? Is it here?"

"Yeah," She replied. "I think so...What do you need it for?"

"Just hand it to me please." He replied.

She rummaged around in his personal effects bag in the closet and fished out his wallet. "Here," She handed it to him. He sighed in relief and pulled something out of it. "Steve, what…?" Her eyes caught sight of what was in his hands, it was a ring.

"Natasha," He tried to pull himself out of bed. "I want to do this right."

"What are you doing?" Natasha gasped.

"I'm getting on one knee." He groaned and gasped but only managed to pull himself up out of the bed.

"If you get on one knee you might not get back up!" She replied.

"You're probably right," He smiled. "I've had this ring since we got back to D.C. I have known since then that I wanted to marry you. Do you remember the day I started reading through Peggy's files and letter?"

"Yeah," She nodded thinking back. "In the middle of it you left to go for a ride. You came back late."

"Most of Peggy's files and notes were from before she knew I was alive. A lifetime ago, but there were a few letters written in the time after I woke up." He licked his lips and his breath was heavy. "She told me that she knew I would have a hard time moving on...from her...from my old life...she said she wanted me to be happy and to have no regrets. I left that night to go buy this ring." He held it up for her. "I've had it with me since then, waiting for the right moment, waiting until you were ready."

Natasha didn't know what emotion was washing over her. Anxiety. Fear. Joy. Excitement. Hope. Love. It was as if a waterfall of them all was crashing down on her.

Steve continued. "You are a strong, brave, smart, funny, beautiful, confident, amazing woman. You are far better than I deserve, but I hope that you will have me as your husband."

Natasha had never considered marrying again, especially for love. Love was for children, but Steve had changed her in ways she had never expected. Nothing that had happened over the past few months had been expected. Her life had drastically changed for the better, she hoped anyway.

"Steve," She felt a lump in her throat. "You have given me more that you can ever know. You are the only man in existence that could have given me the opportunity to be a mother; something I didn't know until very recently was what I really wanted. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, so…..yes."

A happy sob escaped his lips as he pushed the ring on her finger and crushed her against him. They held each other close for what seemed like an eternity until it became very apparent that Steve was about to drop.

"Steve, lay back down." Natasha ordered and he obeyed.

She helped ease him back into the bed. He took a deep breath and winced. "I'm so happy Natasha." His eyes were fluttering. "You get to be a mother, and I get to be a father. We get to do this together…"

"Shhh," Natasha placed a hand on his face. "We can talk more after you rest."

"I'm ok," He kissed her hand and closed his eyes. Natasha watched as he fell asleep before her with a grin on his face.

Natasha sat back down and eyed the shiny ring on her finger. It was modest, nothing too flashy. Steve had picked out something beautiful and elegant, and somehow exactly her taste. For the first time in a long time Natasha was content. Even though it seemed the world around them was going crazy, she was content. She sat and watched her future husband and father of her child sleep.

* * *

Steve gained his strength and within a week he was almost well enough to leave the hospital. After the initial shock and joy wore off, the reality of the situation sunk in. Natasha was carrying Captain America's child. Hydra agents were still active and trying to finish what had started with Project Insight. It seemed they weren't even safe with their fellow Avengers. Stark had apologized profusely, feeling personally responsible for what happened at the tower.

Steve and Natasha decided that they would tell no one about the baby. It was better for now to keep it a secret, to keep everyone safe. Steve contacted Sam Wilson to bring up a few things from his D.C. apartment. Steve had decided he would never return to the place where Natasha had almost died. Once Wilson arrived with the few things Steve had requested, they made their private plans to leave.

Natasha spoke with Dr. Fine one last time and he swore himself to secrecy. No one would find out about the baby from him. Even if they did, no one would know where to find them.

Once Steve was no longer being monitored by several machines it was easier to slip out of the hospital. Steve would not be combat ready for another few days, but hopefully they wouldn't need that. Natasha was recuperated enough that she could protect herself and Steve if needed.

They avoided any roads with cameras or tolls and weaved throughout the city.

Surprisingly it was Natasha who suggested they get married at City Hall before they disappeared off the map. Steve had of course agreed and secured the proper paperwork.

It was late when they arrived and there were not many people around, which was better for them anyway.

"Natasha," Steve grabbed her arm before she could open the door.

"Yeah?" She turned to him.

"I thought you might want to wear this…" He handed her a bag.

She eyed him as she opened it to reveal the white dress she had worn on their first date in Dubai. "Steve...this is…" She looked up at him and smiled. "Perfect."

"I'll wait for you to get changed." He kissed her cheek and she walked across the lobby to the bathroom.

She sighed as she eyed herself in the mirror. It wasn't what she had imagined, it was better. She smiled again as she exited to see Steve had changed into his grey suit and tie. He produced a small bouquet of flowers from behind his back as well.

"You are too much," She smiled taking the flowers and offered arm.

"Come along and marry me." Steve seemed to be grinning from ear to ear.

The ceremony was quick and no one involved seemed to notice or care they were Captain America and Black widow. They changed back into their street clothes and headed off into the night hand in hand as husband and wife.

Natasha awoke with a start.

"You ok?" Steve asked from the driver's seat. The night was dark around them and the outline of his face was occasionally illuminated by the passing of other cars.

"Yeah," She sighed and stretched. She had fallen asleep after they _borrowed_ another car.

"We can stop and find a hotel, get a little rest if you want." Steve offered.

"I'm ok for now." She rubbed her lower back. She yawned as she ran a hand through her hair. "How long was I asleep?"

"Couple hours." Steve replied as he handed her a bottle of water.

"Thanks," She opened it and took several gulps. "How are you feeling?"

"Stiff," Steve admitted. "Sore." He grabbed her hand and kissed it. "Happy."

They rode is comfortable silence for a bit. "I'm sorry you are having to take a detour from finding Bucky." Natasha spoke quietly.

Steve shook his head slightly. "This is more important right now."

Natasha wrinkled her nose.

"What?" Steve watched her.

"I think I want to find that hotel room." She replied with a smile.

"You tired?" Steve asked.

"No," She shook her head. "I want to enjoy my wedding night."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Clint rolled the window down on his old rusted pickup truck. It was mid-summer and the night was warm. He was making his way to his cabin deep in the woods of Colorado.

It was by no means a shack. He had spent many years working to make himself a haven away from the world. He didn't get to escape to it as often as he wanted. It had been a troublesome year. After S.H.I.E.L.D fell, the attack on Natasha, and then Stark tower, Clint had stayed with the Avengers, what remained of them. Clint had never had a problem being a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, but now that he had a choice, it was a nice change.

Clint pressed on the brakes, and left the engine running as he got out to open the gate. He felt the hairs on his neck stand on end when it didn't squeak. He leaned in closely and used the headlights of the truck to inspect the hinges. Someone had oiled them recently.

He climbed back in the truck and pulled through, he stopped and pulled the gate closed behind him. He killed the headlights and rolled in as silently as he could. He stopped a ways back from the cabin and continued on foot, his sidearm in hand.

The lights were out, and there was no indication anyone was inside but Clint approached cautiously.

He was light on his feet and was inside through the back door without a sound. Clint was halfway down the hallway when he heard the floorboards behind him creak.

"I'm just warning you, whoever you are, you picked the wrong place to squat in," Clint's words were a warning. Clint was ready to pounce when the hallway light suddenly switched on.

"Clint?" A voice called from behind.

Clint squinted to the silhouette of a woman in the bedroom doorway. His entire body relaxed and he dropped his gun back in its holster. "Nat?"

"What are you doing here?" Her words were soft.

"I could ask you the same thing!" His words were sharper. "You disappear for 7 months without a word, after what happened we have been looking everywhere for you." He moved closer to her and stopped short when he saw her swollen stomach.

Steve flipped on the hallway light and itIt shined on Clint's stunned face. "Oh…" was all he managed to say.

"Sorry we used this place without permission," Steve extended his hand to Clint. "We needed somewhere to lay low, and Natasha said you wouldn't mind."

Clint absentmindedly took his extended hand. He still wasn't even sure what was happening. "I thought…" He wiped his mouth. "You…." his voice trailed off.

"Steve," Natasha smiled at looked at him past Clint.

"I'll do a sweep," he nodded. "You guys have some things to discuss."

Steve patted Clint on the back, "Good to see you."

Clint just continued to stare. Natasha smiled warmly and tightened the robe around her body. "Come on Barton, let me pour you a drink."

Clint had downed a shot of whatever Natasha had poured him and asked for another. He shook his head as the liquor burned its way down his throat. Natasha eased her heavy body down onto the couch and Clint stood near the empty fireplace.

"I know this is hard to swallow," She began.

"That's an understatement." Clint scoffed. "How is this even possible?"

"Dr. Fine said it was probably the serum in Steve's DNA…" She rubbed her stomach.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Clint felt hurt.

"You know why." She replied. "This is the miracle child of Captain America...people are trying to kill us….everyone was safer this way."

Clint just stared at her. "You two have been here the entire time?"

"For the most part," Natasha replied. "We have traveled around to different hospitals to make sure the baby is ok."

"How did you manage that? No one recognizing you?" Clint poured himself another drink.

"I nicked a couple of S.H.I.E.L.D. holo-mask's before we left. Different face every time." She explained.

Clint dropped down in the recliner, "You didn't tell me."

"Clint," She replied. "We are hiding in the one place you would come looking. I was waiting for you, just took longer than I calculated."

"Yeah, well we have been shorthanded lately." Clint lightly barked back.

"You know this was the right call." Natasha's words were soft.

"I know," He replied. "I'm still pissed, but I know."

Steve returned and Clint got a good look at him. He had let his hair grow out a bit, and the beard had returned. It wasn't messy or unkempt, but neat and clean. "We're secure." He said as he dropped down on the couch next to Natasha. He pulled her feet up and into his lap and leaned back.

"I see you are wearing rings too?" He pointed to their hands.

"Yeah, we got married." Steve replied quietly.

Clint chuckled to himself.

"What?" Natasha smiled.

"Nothing," Clint sighed. "You two just look….happy." Natasha and Steve looked at each other and smiled. "Oh don't make me sick now." He teased. "Do you know what you're having?"

"It's a boy," Natasha replied and Steve took her hand in his.

"Well…." Clint felt lost for words. "I guess congratulations are in order." He raised his glass, "Here's to the little guy."

"Thanks," Steve smiled.

"You look as big as a house," Clint dared after he downed his final drink.

"Careful now…" Steve warned.

Clint just laughed. "You look about to pop."

"I've got a couple more weeks," Natasha yawned.

"Alright, alright." Clint pulled himself from his seat. "Go back to bed. Since you stole my room I'll head upstairs."

"Thank you," Natasha let Steve help her to her feet. "Seriously Clint."

"Yeah," He smiled and leaned closer to her and kissed her cheek. "You know I'm happy for you."

He patted Steve hard on the shoulder as he passed. "Good job man."

Steve chuckled as he watched Clint climb the stairs. "He took that rather well."

"I told you he would," Natasha smiled.

"Let's get you back to bed." Steve looped his hand around her back.

"It's not like I was really sleeping anyway," Natasha admitted. It was so hard to breath that she was not getting very much restful sleep.

"I'm sorry," Steve looked into her eyes. "I know you're uncomfortable, but it's only for a little while longer." He placed his hands on her stomach and leaned down closer. "You're making mommy cranky," Natasha smiled. "Give her a break tonight and let her get some sleep."

Natasha and Steve chuckled when the baby gave a big kick against Steve's hand. "Well," She said, "I guess that's a no."

"Was worth a shot," Steve wrapped his arms around her. She sighed deeply and held him as close and her stomach would allow.

"These past few months have been oddly satisfying." She smiled at him.

"Oh really," Steve smiled back. "Domestic bliss, huh?"

"When this is all over, I'm gonna miss not worrying about the rest of the world…" Her voice trailed off.

"We'll adapt," He kissed her cheek; "We'll figure it all out."

"And keep him safe?" Natasha looked up at him.

"Yes," Steve's answer was short and to the point. "Don't worry about that. Just focus on getting him here. Get some sleep and we can talk with Clint in the morning." Steve lead her to the bedroom and helped her easy back into bed. They settled into a comfortable position and Steve whispered to her, "I love you."

"I know." Natasha said quietly.

* * *

Steve knew he had slept later than usual when he saw how bright the room was. He grunted and stretched and felt for Natasha next to him. Her side of the bed was empty but just barely cold. She hadn't been gone long.

Steve pulled himself out of bed and made his way out of the bedroom.

He moved to the kitchen but found no one. His eyes caught a slip of paper on the table. He lifted it and smiled at Natasha's neat handwriting.

_Good morning Sleeping Beauty. We went for a quick walk, be back soon. - Nat _

Steve smiled softly and dropped the slip of paper back on the table. He and Natasha had enjoyed daily walks all throughout her pregnancy. It was something she insisted on doing since Steve refused to let her spar with him and she wanted to stay physically fit. They had come to look forward to them.

Steve went to the window and scanned the area near the cabin, but he couldn't see them. Steve was happy Natasha was doing so well. In the beginning she had been very sick. After the first month in the cabin it had passed. She hadn't had many cravings and Steve was grateful since it wasn't that easy to run out and get whatever she was wanting.

Once Natasha got farther along in the pregnancy, it became apparent their son had inherited Steve's high metabolism. Natasha was hungry practically all the time. Steve sighed when he thought about the morning he found Natasha in the shower with a large bruise on her stomach from a particularly strong kick. Their son had also inherited some of his strength. Steve thought he loved Natasha before, but after seeing what she was going through to bring their son into the world, his love for her deepened.

For the most part there had been no complications. They had gathered books and supplies for when the baby came. Natasha had decided she didn't want to go to a hospital; she had become obsessed with protecting their son. Hospitals left paper trails and she wanted everything off the grid, something she was very good at.

Steve fiddled with the gold band on his finger. He was so close to having everything he had ever wanted. Over the months they had come to know one another is every way possible. All their flaws and shared life experience had made them a perfect match. Steve scratched his chin. He smiled as he ran a hand across his beard. Natasha had liked the bread, but he felt it was time for a change. He put some coffee on to brew and headed to the bathroom for a shave and then shower.

* * *

"We should head back I think," Clint's words pulled Natasha out of her thoughts.

"Just a little longer," She turned to him. "I like the fresh air."

"We're pretty far out now…" Clint whipped the bead of sweat off his neck. "Aren't you hot?"

"I'm always uncomfortable Clint," She smirked. "A little heat isn't gonna make it much worse."

"Never really seen you in a dress before." Clint smiled.

"Yeah," She laughed lightly. "They have been the only things I can wear recently."

They stood in silence for a moment. "Natasha," Clint began. "I really am happy for you, but we've been struggling while you were gone. After you went missing, we didn't know if you had left on your own ...or if…" He sighed.

She grabbed one of his hands, "I know. I'm sorry I didn't tell you we were leaving."

Clint sighed, "I just wanted to hear you say it. All is forgiven." He chuckled. "What you gonna call him? Little Cap?"

Natasha smiled. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Steve wanted to name him James after Bucky. He wanted his son to have a name that carried the good part of his past, so I wanted him to have a name that carried the good part of mine. We are going to call him James Clinton Rogers. "

"Nat..I…" Clint was speechless. He just smiled and pulled her in for a quick hug. "Come one, let's head back." He moved away but stopped short when Natasha stopped him. "What?"

Her eyes were wide. "I think my water just broke."

* * *

Freshly shaven, Steve had grown anxious when Natasha and Clint did not return within an hour. He had gone on the porch to scan the area near the cabin, but there was still no sign of them. He picked up their trail easy enough, but he had barely gotten 20 feet from the porch before his head snapped around. There were several individuals approaching from the southwest.

Steve immediately made his way back into the cabin for cover. Natasha and Steve had gone over possible scenarios if they were attached. None of them had involved Natasha not being with him. Steve felt a lump of fear rise in his chest. Even though she was with Clint, she wasn't with him. She was still a few weeks away from giving birth, but was in no condition to fight.

Steve cursed quietly as he saw whoever had approached were setting up a perimeter.

"We know you're in there Cap!" A voice carried across that sent chills down Steve's spin. _Rumlow. _"I know you're a stubborn son of a bitch, but make this easier on yourself." Steve couldn't control his anger. The man that had almost killed Natasha was right outside. "You're surrounded."

Natasha clenched her teeth tightly as she rode out another contraction. "Son of bitch."

"Natasha," Clint was at her side. They had tried to make it back, but the labor was progressing too quickly. Natasha wasn't gonna make it back. "Let me carry you."

"It's not safe to move me now…" She explained through gritted teeth. Natasha almost let a shriek escape her lips, but she stopped short when she heard a gunshot ring through the trees.

* * *

Steve had shot first. He didn't wait for them to attack. He needed to take them out first and keep them away from Natasha and Clint. He would find them once the threat was eliminated. Most of it was a blur, but he recognized a few faces as those of previous S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, those apparently loyal to Hydra. Rumlow had stayed back from the fighting, conversing with someone Steve did not recognize. He fought harder than he had in a long time. He was vicious, caring only to protect his family.

"You're next Rumlow!" Steve shouted as he dropped a body to the ground.

Rumlow snickered and shouted back, "Doesn't matter Cap! We are getting what we came for whether we have to kill you to get it or not!"

The anger seethed through Steve's veins. He launched his shield at Rumlow with all his might. Steve followed quickly but stopped short when he saw Rumlow had caught it. He was too distracted, he knew he was exposed, open for attach. They came from behind and he cried out as a bullet slammed into his side, knocking the wind out of him. Before he could recover pain exploded in his knee. He dropped with a cry.

A strike with a Taser baton was the final hit before Rumlow appeared, gun at the ready, "I told you Cap," He raised the gun to Steve's head. "I am getting what I came for. Killing you is just a bonus. Now, on your knees."

"You will never find her," Steve snarled as he complied.

"Oh," Rumlow laughed. "He came for her." He indicated the man next to him. "I came for the other Russian."

"What are you talking about?" Steve shook his head. He could feel hot blood oozing down his side. He tested his leg. It would hurt, but he would be able to fight his way out when he was ready.

"He wants the Widow." Rumlow replied. "I came to reclaim Hydra's property."

"I still have no idea what you're talking about." Steve spit a mouthful of blood on the ground below him.

"Looks like the same old Steve Rogers," Rumlow chuckled. "Still have no idea what's going on right in front of you. Her past is coming to haunt her finally. Romanoff killed someone very important to my associate here some years ago. He has many eyes and ears, and your little trip to Dubai paid off."

Steve hung his head. "You've been after her this entire time? The attack in my apartment? All this is about getting revenge?" Steve's cut towards to the man.

"Not all of it," Rumlow smiled. "I told you, I am reclaiming Hydra property."

"You promised me the Widow, now where is she?" The man shouted.

"She can't be far," Rumlow patted his shoulder. "Now, Cap. We know he's here. Just tell us where he is and we kill you and the slut quickly."

"I don't know who you're talking about." Steve snarled.

"Don't play dumb Cap, we followed him here," Rumlow licked his lips. "Your old pal."

Steve's head slowly came up to meet Rumlow's gaze. "You mean...Bucky?" Steve's hair stood on end.

"Now you're catching on." Rumlow sneered. He raised his taser baton to strike Steve, "Now tell me where he is!" Before the blow hit a shot rang out and Rumlow was knocked back to the ground.

Steve didn't wait to see who fired, he just started throwing punches. All around him men were dropping from some unseen attacker. Steve did not come out of the fight unscathed. Bruised and bloodied he continued fighting, making his way around the perimeter. A figure in all black dropped from the tree above next to Steve. Steve's arm was raised to strike any attack, but it did not come. Steve stopped as he came face to face with Bucky. There was no time for a happy reunion, they only had a moment before they continued fighting. They worked together like they had in their Howling Commando days, but Bucky was a better fighter now. They worked quickly and with precision. It wasn't long before they had neutralized the entire threat.

Finally, it was over and they stood a few feet from one another, just staring.

Steve gasped for air as he clutched his aching side. "Bucky...it's me…"

"Steve…" Bucky interrupted.

"You remember me?" Steve smiled.

"No," Bucky's words were quiet. "The museum…" He seemed distracted, his eyes were focused on the ground. "Well, I think I know you...everything is...foggy…"

Steve couldn't stop himself. He grasped Bucky and pulled him into a tight embrace. "I've been looking for you." Steve felt Bucky stiffen, but he continued the embrace. "I'm so sorry for what happened to you." Tears had sprung to Steve's eyes.

Bucky did not relax, but he did not pull away either. He simply stood still. "The woman." Bucky's words pulled Steve out of the moment.

Steve pulled back. "Natasha! I've got to find her."

"You're bleeding," Bucky looked at Steve.

"I know," Steve moved to head into the woods. "Please don't leave. Just wait for me here. Please." Steve began running. "Natasha!" He shouted as he went.

* * *

Clint head Natasha's hand. "Listen to me. Breath." Natasha was leaning against the trunk of a tree, trying to hold in any sounds of anguish that would give away their position. "You have to breath."

"We need to help Steve," Her words were short and she took a deep breath. "Clint, please go help him."

Clint let out a small laugh from his knelt position across from her. "Natasha, look at me." She cut her eyes at him. "Steve will be fine. Right now you need to focus on you and your son. He is coming, fast. You can't worry about Steve right now, you have to worry about this. You have to worry about James."

Natasha let out a whimper and bit her bottom lip. Her fiery red hair was plastered to her forehead and neck. "This was not supposed to happen!" She let out an exhausted cry.

"Tell me about it," Clint planted a kiss on her hand in his. "I'm here, and you're gonna do this."

Another contraction hit Natasha hard and she cried out. Clint held her legs as she shook and cried.

"Natasha!" Steve's voice carried through the woods around them.

"We're here!" Clint shouted. "See Nat, he's coming right now." Natasha was too overcome with the contraction to show any signs of relief. Steve appeared at her side and dropped heavily.

"Natasha," His eyes met hers.

"He's early," Natasha felt tears in her eyes.

"It's gonna be ok." Steve kissed her forehead.

"I'll let you take over," Clint moved so Steve could position himself to deliver the baby. Clint never let go of her hand.

"Ok," Steve smiled, "You're fully dilated and I can feel the head. When the next contraction hits you're going to push as hard as you can." Natasha nodded as she let out a deep breath.

"You're bleeding!" Natasha's eyes had found the trail of blood at his side.

"I'll be alright," Steve smiled. Natasha let out a cry as another contraction hit. "Come on, push."

It was the most intense pain Natasha had ever felt. She was no stranger to pain, but this was something overwhelming. Every part of her was on fire. She pushed as hard as she could, and then the contraction ended. She leaned back against the tree and Clint wiped a bead of sweat from her face.

Steve coached her through the next sets of contractions, "The head's out," Steve couldn't contain his joy. With one final push James was born. "He's perfect," Steve said with a choking sob. Clint handed Steve a knife to cut the umbilical cord.

All the pain was gone, and Natasha cried as James was placed in her arms. She had never felt anything like it. It was the most joyful moment of her life. This perfect, tiny person that she and Steve had created.

James let out a small cry. "Hi James," Natasha's voice was soothing.

"Nat," Clint wiped a tear from his eye, "He's beautiful."

"Yes, he is," She smiled, holding his tiny hand with hers. "James Clinton Rogers."

Steve leaned in and kissed Natasha gently. "You did it," Steve smiled at Natasha.

"We did it," She grabbed his hand and smiled back.

"Uh," Clint's voice was laced with caution. "Who's the scary guy with the blanket?"

Steve shot up and around to find Bucky standing several feet away with a blanket hanging from his metal hand. "It's ok," Steve spoke quietly. Steve walked slowly towards Bucky, both hands extended in front of him.

"I thought you might need this." His metal arm extended and held the blanket up until Steve took it.

"Thank you," Steve smiled. He passed the blanket to Natasha and helped her wrap up James.

"Steve," Natasha spoke quietly. "What's going on?"

"It's ok Natasha," Steve kissed her forehead and stood again. Bucky had not come any closer to them. Steve approached slowly. "Bucky, I want to thank you for helping me keep my family safe."

"The baby came early…" Bucky was watching Natasha and James.

"What did you say?" Steve's shoulders squared. "How did you know that?"

"I've been watching you….Red dress…" Bucky's words were scattered. "No, not her…. Red hair…" Bucky pointed over his shoulder. "He tried to kill her…"

"Rumlow?" Steve asked.

"She couldn't breathe." Bucky looked at Steve. "I stopped him...uh…She means something to you…"

"Yes," Steve smiled, "She does. You protected her when I couldn't. Thank you." Steve moved closer and Bucky did not shrink away. "I want you to know that we named him James." Bucky's eyes flashed, but he didn't say anything.

"Look," Clint moved to Steve, "This is a great reunion or whatever, but can we move this back to the house or somewhere that's not out in the open. Natasha just gave birth and you are bleeding pretty badly."

"You're right," Steve replied.

* * *

Much to Clint's disapproval Steve scooped Natasha and James up in his arms and carried them back to the cabin. It was slow moving, but he wouldn't have it any other way. Bucky was in front of them and Clint behind them. It was slow going, but they made it back to the house, sweaty and bloody.

Natasha gasped at the sight of men scattered about. "Steve…"

"Let's just get you back into the house." Steve ushered her inside. Natasha shook her head and pushed any thoughts of death aside as she looked down at her sleeping son.

Steve laid her down gently on the couch and dropped down next to her. He was drained. His body was already healing, but it didn't mean it didn't hurt like hell.

"I'll get the first aid kit," Clint moved down the hallway and returned with supplies and patched up Steve.

"Rumlow was looking for Bucky. Said he wanted to reclaim Hydra property." His eyes flashed to Bucky who sat unmoving across from them. He had his eyes fixed on the floor. " He was working with someone else." Steve hissed as he began explaining. "Someone from your past." Steve told Natasha everything that happened. She grabbed Steve's hand.

"Stop." She looked at him with sad eyes. "Let's just forget all of that right now." Her eyes dropped to James. "Let's just enjoy this quiet moment, because I don't think we will have very many of those in our future."

Clint finished patching Steve up and made his way to the window. "There are a lot of bodies out there.

"I'll take care of them…" Bucky moved away.

"Hey," Clint moved towards Bucky, "You're not burying anyone on my land. I'll get the truck." Steve watched the two men exit the house.

"Steve," Natasha's voice was quiet. "Has Bucky been watching us?"

Steve nodded, "Rumlow said he followed him here…." His voice trailed off. "I stopped looking and he found me. It's good to know he is on our side."

"Steve," She squeezed his hand. "He seems disoriented and confused. He might not be on anyone's side."

"He had to have been watching us for months," Steve shook his head. "He could have killed us, but he didn't. I have to believe he is still Bucky, at least a part of him anyway."

"I hope you are right." Natasha smiled and looked down at James.

"He is so tiny." Steve gently ran a thumb over his toes. He looked at Natasha and smiled. "You are amazing."

"Oh stop," Natasha waved off his praise.

"No," Steve grasped her hand. "You are amazing. You did this beautiful thing, bringing him into this world. James is lucky to call you his mother and I am lucky to call you my wife."

Natasha smiled and let Steve kiss her gently. She turned back to James as he began to fuss. "You hungry?" She let James nestle against her chest and smiled as he began to eat. "You have to get big and strong like your Daddy," She talked softly to him. "You are gonna have a lot coming at you for a long time, but we are gonna do our best to protect you always."

Steve squeezed her leg, "Yes we will. We are all a team, and we will do it together."

The End

* * *

_Author's note: Sorry for jumping past all the pregnant domestic bliss, it just worked for the story to jump ahead. I will be posting some one shot chapters later as standalone stories. I also feel like there is a part 2 for this story but it will be some time before I write it. I hope you all enjoyed it!_


End file.
